It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Abuse Support Message Board
Post New Thread   Closed Thread
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 08-27-2006, 05:50 PM   #1
Newbie
(male)
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Scotland
Posts: 4
crjs1 HB User
Scared i was abused - confused

OK, not sure where to start, part of me thinks i am just being stupid, oh well...

I have started having horrible thoughts\fears about my childhood and my dad. Without giving you my whole life story, it has not been the best, my dad was a heroin addict who died a few years ago when i was 19 (im now 23) Also my mum who i have always been very close too, and who i pretty much looked after through my teens, is a recovering alcoholic who suffers from serious depression.

Anyway things were pretty bad for all of us and my younger sister (now 16) is currently in a specialist young persons unit suffering from anorexia, and it has recently come out that she was sexually abused by my father from a young age. This pretty much destroyed me, i never got on with my dad because what he did to us as a family and for his emotional and physical abuse of my mother but this (which came out well after he died) has crushed me.

Its also made me think about when i was young and my behaviour now and as i grew up and something just doesnt feel right, but i have no images of sexual abuse i can recolect, and i have tried really hard to remember.

Anyway it feels like there are whole blocks of my childhood i cant remember, or can only remember snipits of, and to be clear this is before things got really bad with my dad and drugs and mum with alcohol\suicide attemps, i can remember that stuff ok. (sorry if im rambling and making no sense) Also i have also been funny and VERY ritualistic about bedtime from a young age through to adulthood. To feel ok about sleeping as a child (age 11 - 16) I had a strict routine of making sure all cuboards and curtains were tightly shut so no one could see in, i HAD to sleep with my head under my covers and in the fetal position, i was scared even when a teen of monsters at the bottom or under my bed. Most strangely i used to have, during my teens, a row of teddies along my bed where it met the wall and i HAD to turn them all to face the wall before i went to bed to make me feel ok, and i could NEVER have one under the covers, i was scared of them looking at me? Generally nightimes made, and still make me nervous, i hate having to go to the toilet at night suffer night sweats a lot as well as nightmares etc. Also i still have a more limited set of routines, like checking my front door is locked twice, before i feel able to go to bed and i still do the cuboard door thing.

Also, i have self harmed, though not seriously, on and off since i was about 15. Sexually, (this is embaressing), from a young age i have mastrubated quite alot, also i have always had a thing for older men (im gay) such as in men in there forties, though its only been at the fantasy level. Something that makes me think i am being silly is that sex itself has never been a problem until finding out about my sisters abuse, now i feel uncomfortable having sex with my partner, i just think of my dad and sister. But before that sex was never a problem for me and i have been in a relationship for four years.

Other things that have made me think - i have never felt at ease with older\middle aged men (though i fancy them ) and have always been shy, i hate change and meeting new people really stresses me out. I find social situations difficult, sometimes i just dont know what to say with people i dont know well, though i do have really good friends.... Also i cant help it but i just dont like myself much sometimes, i think about hurting myself alot, always think im wierd, essp when it comes to sexual fantasy and stuff, terrifed im going to go nuts, have irational fears though persistant about becoming a murder\abuser (Though i really dont want too!). Sorry if this sounds really stupid.

A final thing that makes it difficult is, i cant really speak to anyone about it properly, my partner is great but thinks my rituals and general nervousness etc are just down to growing up in a unsafe enviroment, and maybe they are. Also i have always been the 'sane' one in the family, dad was a junkie and depressed, mum was\is deppressed and was a alcoholic, my older sister suffers from anxiety problems and younger sister suffers from anorexia\depression. I have always from a really young age had to look after everyon els essp my mum, so its really hard for me to admit and tell myself and them that maybe I need to speak to someone, im so use to just 'getting on with things' and worrying about everyone els. Things are just really catching up with me now and i hate it.

Maybe i have never been sexually abused, its just i get this gut feeling of dread and waves of panic when i think about it and i think about it all the time now, im scared im just convincing myself that something happened Urghhh.

Am i just being silly?

Had to vent, thanks for reading

Last edited by crjs1; 08-27-2006 at 05:58 PM.

 
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 08-27-2006, 09:28 PM   #2
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Posts: 1,789
galinaqt HB User
Re: Scared i was abused - confused

Your story is really sad. I also have a lot of bad memories of abuse which I experienced a lot at work, from grandpa I lived alone with, abusive bf. I have pieces of memories which come out here and there and I sometimes try to remember continuation of bad cituation and can't.
I was trying to get help since I believe I have ptsd but unfortinately I was crushed and burned 2 times with so called councelors. This room about only place I can talk.
Parents always try to present my problems like nothing. I guss they feel ashamed that they can't do better for me. Councelor just said that I am sort of person who likes to scratch the wounds instead of trying to forget and that some people had terrible time and then had great life and I'd rather beat myself all life in chest remembering bad stuff.
Everything I push myself to tolerate while conviencing myself that it worth to tolerate get out and punish me here and there. I have hard time function as good as I wish and should 'cause all of that bad memories, stress in past, you name it.

 
Old 08-27-2006, 09:45 PM   #3
Newbie
(female)
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Arizona
Posts: 8
Courage2Live HB User
Re: Scared i was abused - confused

Hi CRJS...I know what it feels like to have huge chunks of time missing from your childhood memory. It was, for a long time, something that was normal and I just didn't want to know what was there. As I got older I wanted to know. I felt like it was my life and to not remember it was just not right for ME. But when I started to allow memories to return they scared the hell out of me. There's a reason for repression (look it up if you don't know what it is and see there are alot of studies and books on the subject that help understand what it is and why it happens.)
Of course nobody here can tell you if those symptoms you write about mean you were sexually abused. Only you can know that, and if you don't remember it now you can be confident that there is a part of you that never forgot. That is if it happened, which of course anyone with a lick of sense would hope that it did NOT happen!
From what you've written and the things you write about yourself and your behaviors, you should love yourself by looking into the past. Its scary, its something not everyone can do, but if you're raising the question with yourself then you owe it to yourself to love yourself enough to respect the things you are asking and to find answers. You'll never regret examining the things that make you tick I believe.
I hope you find the tools (books, therapy, people that love you, your own inner strength) to find your answers.

 
Old 09-07-2006, 08:24 AM   #4
Inactive
(female)
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: "central", KY, USA
Posts: 344
thegardener HB User
Re: Scared i was abused - confused

crjs1, sorry to hear that you had to live such a life. I would definitely look into a counselor. You must be really strong. You sound pulled together even though you have had to go through hell. I couldn't imagine a worse nightmare for a child. You are probably strong because you had to take care of everyone else. You are right, though, now it is time for you to take care of yourself. Your partner is right, your nervousness and rituals are from growing up in an unsafe environment. You sound like you have a great partner. Please continue to take care of yourself and look into counseling. Take care.

 
Old 09-07-2006, 08:25 AM   #5
Inactive
(female)
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: "central", KY, USA
Posts: 344
thegardener HB User
Re: Scared i was abused - confused

crjs1, sorry to hear that you had to live such a life. I would definitely look into a counselor. You must be really strong. You sound pulled together even though you have had to go through hell. I couldn't imagine a worse nightmare for a child. You are probably strong because you had to take care of everyone else. You are right, though, now it is time for you to take care of yourself. Your partner is right, your nervousness and rituals are from growing up in an unsafe environment. You sound like you have a great partner. Please continue to take care of yourself and look into counseling. Take care.

 
Old 01-31-2007, 03:11 PM   #6
Newbie
(male)
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Scotland
Posts: 4
crjs1 HB User
Re: Scared i was abused - confused

Sorry i havent replied, just wanted to say thanks for the replies! I have been lurking on the board and reading everyones post's, which is helping me alot. Im trying to buck up the courage to go and get some more help\therapy, think i really need to speak. I do recieve 'family therapy' with my mum and sisters, at the 'young persons phychiatric unit' where my sister is an inpatient, but think i need some one on one help.

 
Old 01-31-2007, 03:49 PM   #7
Inactive
(female)
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Posts: 1,914
stick2013 HB User
Re: Scared i was abused - confused

Dear crjs1,

I will give you my take on things that are going on with you.......As far at the stuffed animals, and rituals.....I think that you may very well have OCD. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I also think that do to the abusive nature of your father, the fact that your mother has had so many issues, you have a younger sister that you felt a need to protect.....I think that you have anxiety, guilt, sadness, and are now feeling bad about your own sexuality.....

You have had a lot of CRAP to deal with in your life.....A lot of disappointments, and not so good role models to deal with. You have gaps in your memory, which may be a blessing in disguise. Don't push to try and remember....Gods greatest gifts....are unanswered prayers....

Seek some help from a therapist, you deserve it, and need it....I wish you, your mother, and sister the best....

Sid

 
Old 01-31-2007, 06:36 PM   #8
Inactive
(female)
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: NC, USA
Posts: 865
hergy HB User
Re: Scared i was abused - confused

Crjs1,

You're a tough fellow. You've been courageously caring for others while, at the same time, you need comfort and care yourself.

One-on-one therapy is the way to go. You've got issues that are best addressed in the professional, private environment of a therapist's office.

None of us can diagnose you. And, sometimes, one or more problems can overlap. A professional is trained to tell the difference.

Sid's right, you have very familiar OCD-type behaviors. I have OCD and am on medication to treat it. Other factors, though, can change the face of my problem, including PTSD and bipolar disorder, so sometimes it's unclear which problem is rubbing the other one raw.

A trusted counselor, therapist or psychiatrist is the guide you need. Supportive friends and family are important, but the counselor will be your guide to losing the confusion and taking control of your well-being.

Best wishes,

Nikki

 
Old 02-05-2007, 03:49 PM   #9
Newbie
(male)
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Scotland
Posts: 4
crjs1 HB User
Re: Scared i was abused - confused

Thanks Sid and Nikki,

I think I have made the decision to get some more help, but im terrified!! I have been having a really bad few days (well weeks and months if im honest) lately. I just feel so crap, I spend all my time, going over and over things that have happened when I was younger (like having to give my mum CPR when I was 15, with my little sister standing beside me screaming, while my dad was just out of his head on heroin, then how rude the police woman was to me when she came – that memory is really stuck in my head, its like its on loop) I don’t want too do this but kind of choose too, why? I purposely choose to think about these events over and over again. I also keep day dreaming about totally made-up situations, all bad scenarios, I never day dream about good things.

Im terrified about seeking more help because im so scared if I start speaking I will let everything spew out of me, and Il just loose it completely and have no control over my emotions. I try really hard to keep my head together, I hardly ever cry (though in the past few years since my dad died I do a lot more than when I was a kid), but when I do, I really do, I go HYSTERICAL and it scares me. Also when I do speak about things, like at ‘family therapy’ I just want to go on and on, I hate it when the session stops, im scared im going to get too dependant if I get my own therapy. Does that sound silly?

Also I just phoned my mum (I phone everyday, I can’t stay calm if I don’t) and she started hysterically crying, about everything (my little sister and stuff) and it just stresses me out so much. She tried to commit suicide before Christmas, for the first time in a few years, I really thought she wouldn’t do it again, but she did. I NEVER get angry at her but I wish she could understand how my days revolve around worrying about her, I feel so responsible for her, and I can’t seem to change that. Im just so used to looking after her.

Ok sorry this post has turned onto a total random vent. But venting is good; I should probably do it more.

Also I just feel like such a freak, I wish I was good socially, but im not (except with good friends, where I am a totally different person), every conversation at work makes me nervous and I end up just mumbling or saying really random things. Also I feel so fake, walking around at work with a silly smile on my face, while all I can think is, if everyone els knew the crazy things I was thinking…

 
Old 02-05-2007, 04:26 PM   #10
Inactive
(female)
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Posts: 1,914
stick2013 HB User
Re: Scared i was abused - confused

Hi Hon,

First of all, YOU ARE NOT A FREAK!!!!!! Is that understood?????? Second the Loop of things that flow through your head, well they are one of the biggest tormentor's of PTSD. We all get them, at least I do. The scenario playing too.

I know what you mean about opening up, and the flood gate will open to much..... Well I think that on you visit with your therapist, WARN Him or her first that you are VERY VERY emotional, and are having a hard time holding it together. It's better to do it this way, because the therapist will be AWARE that YOU know what's going on. Instead of just walking in there and falling to pieces..... So what if you walk in there and cry for 50 minutes. What's the big deal. That's why you are going to a therapist....because you are emotionally drained........

You have had to be an adult most of your life, you have had to take care of the very people that were supposed to take care of you, and you had to worry about your younger sister too. Don't you think that you were dumped with a lot of responsibility for such a young person???? Don't you feel that you have the right to be upset????? I think that you are a very BRAVE, and strong person to have gone through what you have. It's OK to cry, and it's OK to feel the way that you do......

Please get into therapy, don't wait until the PSTD or your problems become to much for you to handle..........


Hugs, and post more often if you can, it helps when you need the support, and you CAN get that here......


Sid

 
Old 02-05-2007, 09:55 PM   #11
Inactive
(female)
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: NC, USA
Posts: 865
hergy HB User
Re: Scared i was abused - confused

I tell my therapist at almost every visit that I'm very nervous. I get bats in my stomach before a session. I dread opening up, but it's the only way to get the help I need.

If you get angry, depressed or outright overwhelmed, it's ok. Your therapist knows how to handle it all. You go to a therapist because you need some assistance in dealing with your issues. No therapist expects a patient to 'keep it together.' In fact, keeping it together is a sure sign that you've got a lot to release that you're holding back.

I've finally gotten to where I can get angry, cry and grit my teeth in front of my therapist. Often, I look at the floor to feel somewhat comfortable, but I always feel better afterward. I've even had a flashback during a session. While it was disturbing, I was in a calming environment with someone who knew exactly how to respond.

You're going to be ok with a therapist. It's hard, but well worth the effort.

Best wishes,

Nikki

 
Closed Thread

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
New & Scared lauren007 Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) 21 10-26-2008 05:22 AM
Help/Advice neededASAP -Fentanyl detox, pain pat. abused meds will need meds in futre Confused089 Abuse Support 34 07-06-2008 05:33 PM
please help my self harm is really bad im so scared :( tiffany08 Self-injury Recovery 3 06-17-2008 03:01 PM
Abused Parent inspiratioon Abuse Support 3 03-23-2008 11:28 AM
Was I abused...??? Hedgehog No 1 Abuse Support 28 10-03-2006 08:46 AM




Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




Join Our Newsletter

Stay healthy through tips curated by our health experts.

Whoops,

There was a problem adding your email Try again

Thank You

Your email has been added








TOP THANKED CONTRIBUTORS



Phoenix (28), AverageUser (15), JJ (7), jennybyc (5), katlin09 (5), jillian4 (4), BelleoftheSouth (4), renko (3), Administrator (3), gardenandcats (2)

Site Wide Totals

teteri66 (1167), MSJayhawk (1000), Apollo123 (899), Titchou (836), janewhite1 (823), Gabriel (758), ladybud (747), sammy64 (668), midwest1 (665), BlueSkies14 (610)



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 08:21 PM.



Site owned and operated by HealthBoards.com™
Terms of Use © 1998-2014 HealthBoards.com™ All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!