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Old 03-17-2007, 11:13 AM   #1
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Used&Abused HB User
"Used&Abused" Update..............

Hello Everyone,

I know I've been sporadic in my posts the last month but I thought I would update everyone on my situation since everyone has been so helpful here for me. As everyone knows my 8 year marriage to a non-medicated BP is coming to an end. 2 weeks ago my wife took me to court expecting to get my visitation limited to one day per week on some false allegation that I drink around the kids. This all came about when my wife figured out I knew much more than she realized about her manic behavior the last couple of months. Needless to say the Judge threw out her motion and gave me 50% custody.
Of course, she was crying and almost looked stunned at the ruling but I believe that was one last attempt to keep the mania going. It failed and she was calling less than 48hrs later wanting to settle the divorce.

In the last 2 weeks I've been able to see the manic train of destruction slowing way down. Many of the ingredients to feed her mania have all but dried up. She's calling now being nice as can be and I'm sticking to my boundaries not letting her cross them. I actually have drawn up all the final divorce papers for the attorney's to review. We have basically agreed on everything but now her attorney is holding us up by not signing off. I’m starting to wonder if my wife told her to stall in some last ditch effort to come back. This was exactly what she did in 2005 when we filed and I all but expected this to happen again. She has a new boyfriend that's losing the newness and she has wasted away about $75,000 in the last 4 months.

I hate to see her heading for depression but it was the reality all along. I just won't be there this time to pick up the pieces. She has left me with enough pieces to pick up myself. I’m so very happy that the divorce will be over within days and I can truly move on with my life not being Used & Abused any longer. She continues to deny her BP dx and it's sad to see someone self destruct when with meds and therapy could lead a very different life. I've told her I will be there for her but not in the capacity of a husband. I do have a vested interest in seeing her stable for the sake of my children and myself for that matter as I will be dealing with her for years to come.

It's hard for me when I start to see bits and pieces of the stable loving person I married so long ago. Because she refuses to accept the BPD I can not ever think about returning to the roller coaster ride. It is so amazing to see what she was trying to do just a little over two weeks ago and now she acts like she’s my best friend. I know she is full of guilt at the moment and trying to figure out how to fix it. I only wish she would accept the dx and do something about it once and for all. I think her seeing me progress along the path to my own emotional stability has made her open her eyes. She will never have the life she had with me and I think she’s starting to realize it. Mania is a sick, sick part of this disorder and I only wish it could all just go away.

Anyways, I see the light at the end of the tunnel now and it’s getting brighter every day. Hopefully, my wife and me can remain very good friends but I will keep my distance in the future if she continues to deny the dx. My two little boys are my focus and they need a consistent stable parent to be there day in and day out. I have hope my wife will find the peace that her and my children so desperately deserve. Only time will tell and she is now fully responsible for what path she takes in life. I commend Eyes and many other BP’s on this board for taking the responsibility this disorder requires. For all the many non-BP’s here that deal with it like me I also commend you for taking such a proactive approach to helping your loved ones cope with it all.

Hopefully someday soon the medical geniuses in this world will find something that can all but remove the symptoms of BP. For now we must all do as EYES says and that is carry on with life as we are handed it.


God Bless…………..U&A
__________________
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference".

Last edited by Used&Abused; 03-17-2007 at 11:13 AM.

 
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Old 03-17-2007, 12:13 PM   #2
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marshmallow HB User
Re: "Used&Abused" Update..............

U&A I am glad the road is getting smoother and I hope it continues for you and your boys. It would be great if your wife got stable as you say the boys need that and you will be part of her life until they grow up and after. It is certaintly a rough and bumpy road with an unmedicated bp. I am at my last straw now and just wishing for the strength to "carry on." I know I must end the marriage inspite of my feelings for my husband. He is on a road to no where right now as he drinks, drugs and spends money like water. He is becoming hostile and thinks he has life all figured out. Very sad but I am tired of treading water. Be well and keep us all posted. Did you see Eyes has started a thread for men? However, we women are participating too.

 
Old 03-17-2007, 12:48 PM   #3
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Used&Abused HB User
Re: "Used&Abused" Update..............

Hi Marshmallow,

I know from reading many of your posts you've dealt with many of the things I have. I feel for you and know you still have love for your husband. I came to the reality that you can still leave someone even though you might still love them. We can't continue to drown ourselves in emotional despair while trying to keep our un-medicated BP spouses afloat. I need to make sense of my life and what happens in it. In the last 8 years there's way too much that doesn't make sense and I just can't live like that any longer.

It all comes down to how much you can handle and I reached my threshold long ago. It's different for all of us and only we are responsible for when to say enough is enough.

God Bless...........U&A
__________________
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference".

 
Old 03-17-2007, 12:53 PM   #4
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marshmallow HB User
Re: "Used&Abused" Update..............

Oh, I think I have just about reached all the abuse, belittling and uncertainty I can deal with too. This marshmallow has been toasted too many times.

 
Old 03-17-2007, 12:59 PM   #5
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twoeyez HB Usertwoeyez HB User
Re: "Used&Abused" Update..............

Quote:
Originally Posted by Used&Abused View Post
Hello ............ I see the light at the end of the tunnel now and it’s getting brighter every day. Hopefully, my wife and me can remain very good friends but I will keep my distance in the future if she continues to deny the dx. My two little boys are my focus and they need a consistent stable parent to be there day in and day out. I have hope my wife will find the peace that her and my children so desperately deserve. Only time will tell and she is now fully responsible for what path she takes in life. I commend Eyes and many other BP’s on this board for taking the responsibility this disorder requires. For all the many non-BP’s here that deal with it like me I also commend you for taking such a proactive approach to helping your loved ones cope with it all.

Hopefully someday soon the medical geniuses in this world will find something that can all but remove the symptoms of BP. For now we must all do as EYES says and that is carry on with life as we are handed it.
God Bless…………..U&A
(no Longer) U&A :

Man, you made it. You now deserve a normal life. Yes, for sure the problems of BPD will not go away in your life.With your 2 little boys still living (50%) with your BP ex-wife. Your story is just amazing,however,just a little bittersweet for me. I always prayed for your (now)ex to somehow take responsibility for her life as a BPer. Was not meant to be...and in one sence..very sad. Perhaps,with this "rock bottom" for her,she will "see the light",and start proper medications,and tharpy.

You know me, I'm supporting the genetics guys who are working their tails off for an answer at the "End of the Tunnel;called Bipolar Disorder"

U&A,if you get a chance,we need your male insights on my thread,"Encourageing men to particpate...and Ladies,also". You experience is very valuable,and needs to be shared.

God Bless you...
And we will all,

Carry On,toghther.

Eyes

 
Old 03-17-2007, 03:24 PM   #6
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bipolarbear HB User
Re: "Used&Abused" Update..............

Dear U&A (It's me - Tahoe One; I changed my name)

You did it! You stayed resolute and kept your boundaries. Hooray for you. You perservered; you give us all hope that we, too, can do it. I am so, so, so darn happy for you, and I missed you!

I know what you mean when y ou say you are starting to see little pieces of your loving wife come out. In the past, it has been so easy to give in to this because you hold onto the dream of what you wanted it to be. You mourn the loss of what it could have been, but looked what you gained in return --- YOURSELF!

My quick update: Husband has almost completely crashed, after a 7-month manic rage. Depressiion and reality have set in and last night he was sitting on the garden swing staring. I went out and said he had the best wife, child, house, dog in the whole world and can I ever forgive him and give him a chance to make it up to us. The change in temperament is absolutely astounding and overwhelming.

Unfortunately, I told him that we had to continue with what he started, i.e., -the divorce and I am working on getting all the papers and documents needed to I can get this going.

Breaks my heart and the sad look on his face make my stomach sick. However, on the flip side, I feel a sense of excitement and renewal. I am going to make an appointment with our primary care physician, who I hope will refer him to a psychiatrist to get a thorough evaluation. I will be more than glad to go, but only in the capacity of a friend. He half way said he would do it; I don't trust it. He still has not said in specific words that he has bipolar, keeps dancing around it. We'll see. I hope he gets help so he can be a whole and healthy father and perhaps we can become friends -- for the first time in our lives.

Godspeed, my friend. Please let us all hear from you again soon.

Thanks.

 
Old 03-19-2007, 11:09 AM   #7
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Used&Abused HB User
Re: "Used&Abused" Update..............

Hello Bipolarbear (TahoeOne),

I'm almost there !! It's becoming very difficult though with her stable side showing its face but I'm holding my ground. Yesterday she was calling asking me to bring some tape over for her to use in painting her new finished basement. I find myself doing things to avoid upsetting her while these divorce papers are still unsigned. I just don't want to do anything to cause her to revert back to full blown mania while the divorce is not finalized. I just need this divorce to be final so the whole control issue is over once and for all.

Sure - she's cycling down and this is what she does every time. She hasn't broke down completely but I expect that is just around the corner and that's why I want the papers signed NOW !! I have no idea where her new boyfriend has been in the last 2 weeks because he seems few and far between. Naturally with her being sweet as can be with me someone must be the focus of her anger so he's already probably getting it. Who knows but I really need this over ASAP and for whatever reason which I'm really starting to question her lawyer has had the final papers since last Tuesday and has yet to forward any revisions or sign off on them. I'm really starting to question whether there are some stall tactics going on here.

It's so sad to see what she has did the last four months but now she giving me the sob story on how she has no money, she now doesn't want anything to do with the people she's been hanging out with, and now wants to call me all the time. I expected every bit of this and I'm not surprised by any of it. She rode the manic train for as long as she could and now its engines are shutting down. She naturally wants to run right back to her "Rock" and I can't let that happen. I've purposely avoided dating until this was over but I find myself feeling sorry for her and even though I don't show it - it still hurts.

I think it's time for Eharmony as I need some much needed harmony in my life for a change. My trip with the boys is next week so that will give me some much needed time away from it all. I'm happy you are taking the steps to find your life again and yes it does feel exciting with a sense of renewal when you know you can regain your life once and for all. Many of us non-BP spouses have given 250% more than most people would ever think of giving if put in the same situation and we all deserve a pat on the back for making it this far. It's hard to throw in the towel but having your own sanity back is a must for the well being of our kids. I know it's hard for both of us to even make the decision to leave but in a year from now we will be happy we did. Like I said in another post - it's like jumping into an icy river to swim to the other side where it's beautiful and peaceful. I think both of us have jumped in a few times over the years only to swim back to our marriages. I'm in the water, 99% across and seeing what the other side has to offer. I'm not going back this time and I know that now.

Keep me posted !! and I will do the same.........

Eyes - I know we all wish my wife could have seen the light but with her 3-5 month manic hurricanes I can never go back to the marriage. She has ran up more debt in four months then I care to think about. I can be a much better father being the "Ex" rather then "Used & Abused" constantly. Thank you as always for all your kind words. Your an inspiration to all of us here !!!

God Bless..................U&A
__________________
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference".

 
Old 03-19-2007, 12:16 PM   #8
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jgr01 HB User
Re: "Used&Abused" Update..............

Hi U&A (no longer)

I have read many of your posts over the last 6mths. I am so pleased, as I am with anyone who has the courage to get out from someone who is destroying themselves and those who love them. Especially those who 'play' with meds or refute dx. It has been a long hard emotional road but the future is bright.

From my perspective I often consider the divorce route because even though I DO NOT play with my meds the condition over takes them due to external stressors and then I realise what I've done (never anything as serious as it used to be pre-meds). It is infuriating and draining. But YOU HAVE MADE IT. When folks get Alzheimers early (40's - 50's) and batter their partners and say sick things and become someone entirely different; fingers are not pointed if the person is institionalised and the carer (husband/wife) moves on. It's your life too. Good luck.

Juliet x

 
Old 03-19-2007, 12:45 PM   #9
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Used&Abused HB User
Re: "Used&Abused" Update..............

Hi jgr01,

I do feel like I have more control of my life than I have in the last 8 years. She can't control me any longer or use and abuse me. I gave her one hell of a life which many women would only dream of. She is now seeing reality and it's too bad but if she continues to deny her dx the pattern will only continue.

When I think about it, it's like getting dx with cancer. Very few, if any, walk out the door saying the docs are mistaken or they can take care of it themselves. No - everyone dx with cancer does everything they can to seek treatment and rid themselves of it. It frustrates me to no end why my wife can't do the same with the BP dx. Sure - she doesn't want the label but she could have such a different life with the proper meds and therapy. I don't think anyone wants the label of having cancer but I guess the stigma of a mental disorder is to much for some to accept. I know my wife has to look at the past 15 years and say something is way wrong but still refuses thinking jumping to another relationship will somehow fix it all.

Oh well - she's going to take responsibility for her actions sooner than later and with 4 kids I don't think any relationship has a chance in hell with her being un-medicated. It was hard enough being a step-father of 2 and I can't imagine what my 4 kids would do to a new step-father. That really makes me almost laugh with what he would be in store for. We will see I guess but at least I'm no longer the puching bag.


God Bless.........U&A
__________________
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference".

Last edited by Used&Abused; 03-19-2007 at 12:45 PM.

 
Old 03-19-2007, 01:53 PM   #10
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Re: "Used&Abused" Update..............

Hey U&A (no longer)

Congratulations! You are so close - you have certainly done the hard yards, and you deserve every bit of happiness. Someohow, I think if you can deal with all this, you are the sort of person that will find happiness.

I am so happy to hear that things are working out finally, and you can all move to a brighter future filled with everything you dream of.

 
Old 03-19-2007, 02:30 PM   #11
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Used&Abused HB User
Re: "Used&Abused" Update..............

Hi suddenlyhere,

Yes, I can't wait to finanly move on to a new relationship where I can give all that I can give knowing it will be returned 150%. I want the the wife that can live without me but never wants to. It's all out there for me and I just need to find it once and for all. I've learned patience is a virtue I need to embrace from here on out. I've stay single for the last 5 months even though it would have been much easier not to. I felt I needed to feel all the emotions of the divorce without trying to cover them with a new relationship. Hopefully, that will allow me to start fresh knowing I dealt with it all in the right way.

I took responsibilty for where I was in life and knew my future was only my responsibilty. I can't blame her for my 8 years of hell as I stayed when I could have left long ago. My tender forgiving heart got me more hurt and pain than I care to remember but in the end we all live and learn from our mistakes and hopefully don't repeat them in the future.

I hope you can find the same happiness in your life as you don't deserve much of what you've went through either. I know your situation is difficult but there is light at the end of the tunnel. I hope he will let you go and not continue to bring his unhappiness down on you. We will all find the happiness we deserve in life sooner than later. Hang in there Suddenlyhere as your day of closure is around the corner.

God Bless...........U&A
__________________
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference".

Last edited by Used&Abused; 03-19-2007 at 02:31 PM.

 
Old 03-19-2007, 06:47 PM   #12
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suddenlyhere HB User
Re: "Used&Abused" Update..............

Hey U&A (no longer)

Your posts always inspire...but this one is special! Your new life is out there, and waiting for you - it will happen, and you are stronger and better from taking this time by yourself.

Im praying for the moment that the light touches my skin - I cant wait. It has been dark, and continues to be dark..but sometime soon...
Dont know why he doesnt want to settle this thing, and cause more pain - makes no sense to me. But one day....sometime soonish....I will be where you are and feeling the warmth of sunshine, and the brightness of future opportunities.

U&A (no longer) I too have been seeing a councellor to deal with all of this - but I have two questions for you. I know marsh has raised this previously... I dont mean to offend with this topic...

Do you think that you will ever be able to trust anyone ever again? I somehow feel like going through something like this leaves weeping emotional scars. I dont feel like I have them - but I wonder?

Do you think there is something in the nature of us (all us spouses that go through hell and back, and quite often return again) Is there something in common with all of us? Is there something that makes us victim to accepting this behaviour, or unknowingly choosing people that will treat us this way.

Im hoping that it is just that we are empathetic people - but sometimes I wonder...

Anyway U&A (no longer) we will all miss you here.

 
Old 03-19-2007, 07:25 PM   #13
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Used&Abused HB User
Re: "Used&Abused" Update..............

Hi Suddenlyhere,

You questions are very important for all of us spouses. There is no question that we all had a level of dysfunction coming into the relationships and if we didn't we would have ran for the hills at the first signs of the BP symptoms. My therapist told me that my wife would have never picked me if I was at the high end of the functionality scale. We all tend to attract or be attracted to people on our functional or dysfunctional level.

My problem was co-dependency from living with an alcoholic father. I was able to walk away from him but now see I just found someone else I thought I could fix. I have worked through all that now but completely understand why I was attracted to her in the first place and more of a reason why I stuck it out for so long. One reason why I have taken this time alone is because I needed to move up the ladder of emotional health prior to dating again or I would naturally end up with the same type of partner. None of us can just walk away from this one day being completely emotionally functional. We must all work through what allowed us to pick this person and more importantly what allowed us to subject ourselves to such emotional abuse for so long. If we don't we will be back with someone else very much like what we left. My therapist could not stress this enough and I understand every bit of her logic. I'm taking a left turn and getting the hell out of the dysfunction once and for all.

As for the trust issue. I think a lot of my trust issues reside specifically within this marriage but I still will need time to establish complete trust in another partner. If I picked someone on the same level as my wife I think I would have problems with trust since the same behavior would start to re-appear. I'm not planning on seeking out Mother Theresa but I guarantee whoever I end up with will be far from my wife when it comes to the emotional scale of functionality.

The success rate for any of us that have gone through this would be less then 5% for a solid healthy relationship without therapy. Even though we were not the ones with BPD it has had a huge impact on our emotional health and not addressing it will land you right back on the roller coaster ride. The therapy has certainly given me the confidence to leave this marriage and I believe many others would walk away from any un-medicated BP if they went through therapy.

Suddenly - you will get through this, make sure to bring these exact questions up to the therapist as you need to work through this in order to move onto the healthy loving relationship you deserve. I did the work and I'm sure you can tell by just how I come across these days in my posts.

Remember - time heals all wounds. Stay positive and like EYES says "optimism" is the key.

God Bless........U&A
__________________
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference".

 
Old 03-20-2007, 04:49 AM   #14
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Re: "Used&Abused" Update..............

Suddenly there, what you said about why we put up with this stuff so long has been a question I have asked myself so many times. There is something in me that just does not want to quit. I grew up in a very dysfunctional family too and was always afraid of being me for fear of what would happen. I stifled my thoughts and feelings growing up then I got rebellious. Now I just want peace but cannot seem to totally pull myself away from the source of my unpeace.

 
Old 03-20-2007, 10:29 PM   #15
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Used&Abused HB User
Re: "Used&Abused" Update..............

Hi Marsh,

Are you in therapy for yourself ?
__________________
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference".

Last edited by Used&Abused; 03-20-2007 at 10:52 PM.

 
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