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Old 09-30-2007, 02:12 PM   #1
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Spouce of a abused Partner.

My Wife was abused by her father from age 10 to about 16. He hurt her really bad. Despite knowing this, I asked my bride to Marry me anway, despite my family or my Councilor who called her damaged goods.

why? because I love her that much that it didn't matter.

we have been together fifteen years and it took a very long time before she would trust me in bed. we worked through that, and have a wonderful Son.

Now my problem...

Because of the attacks, I have learnt to let her initialize sex, I am always the Passive. Sometimes she is aggressive about other times not. Sometimes it's once a week at other times once a month or more.

I have found when Frustrated I see to my own needs, Quiet by and alone.

this morning she caught me, and asked what I was doing. I was honest about it and told her it would be much more fun if she Joined me.

she Just walked off to the shower and told me to hurry up. that hurt, but I had need So I tried to Continue but I started having a tough time.

when she Came out of the shower and saw I wasn't done yet she became cross and asked me why I wasn't done yet..

well I was done then....

I need to know what others do who are In my situation with injured Spouces. I keep a website I subscribe to for some online porn. I use it when I need it but feel horribly guilty

I hate this sneaking off, but to make her touch me or even watch me without it being her idea seems to much like abuse she may have gotten before.

I have been loyal all these years, and when she is in the mood life is good. I don't like to think I am doing her a disservice by sneaking off, I suppose I should be the good husband and wait, but Sometimes that is really tough and my drive gets the better of me.

online porn, masturbating in another room makes me feel like a Pervert and I feel dishonest and selfish too.

I have tried romance, but when she is not in the mood that is the end of it

it's Fustrating having the Stronger sex drive.

Last edited by JustDave4now; 09-30-2007 at 03:42 PM.

 
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Old 09-30-2007, 02:34 PM   #2
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Re: Spouce of a abused Partner.

A lot of people are gonna judge you for writing this...i am not.
She needs more councilling work and needs to appriciate that you have needs, try to talk to her obviously she is scared but it is selfish to ignore you.

when you say she is aggressive do you mean in the bedroom aswell?
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Old 09-30-2007, 03:34 PM   #3
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Re: Spouce of a abused Partner.

well, aggressive in a way that she clearly want's to make love. but nothing crazy kinky or off the wall wierd, So much as Just being Forward about her needs.

In many ways she is a good lover, and as I Said we have come far. and explored a few things, nothing Crazy though.

I guess there is no good place to ask a Question like this.

maybe there isn't an answer... it Just is what it IS.

is there a book or Something "understanding sexual healing From a spouses point of View"

I doubt It.. I guess it Just hurt to be rejected in such a vulnerable position. I wasn't crass when I asked her to Join me, I asked as a lover. when someone reJects you like that it bites deeper.

Last edited by JustDave4now; 09-30-2007 at 03:43 PM.

 
Old 09-30-2007, 03:52 PM   #4
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Re: Spouce of a abused Partner.

Yes i understand. It sounds like she has many issues but i have to ask...are you sure its just her past? do you think honestly that she says that because its easier?
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Old 09-30-2007, 04:50 PM   #5
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Re: Spouce of a abused Partner.

Hmmm good Question how do you know?

I think that is the reason, but you have to wonder if maybe I am missing Subtle clues

Thanks, I will think on that

 
Old 10-03-2007, 04:48 AM   #6
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Re: Spouce of a abused Partner.

There is a book I used when I was with my ex, she too was a survivor of sexual abuse by her father. I have not needed the book for ages but still have it. It's "Allies in Healing" by Laura Davis, 1991. There may be better, more up to date books around now. She talks about getting both of you to list and catagorise sexual activities as things they feel comfortable with (safe), possibly safe and unsafe.
Being a partner of a sexual abuse survivor is sometimes very difficult. You should not feel guilty about the mechanisms you have developed to cope and stay sane. It sounds like you need to work together to get out of this rut, possibly with a little bit of joint counselling. Have you ever had some supportive counselling?

 
Old 10-03-2007, 01:35 PM   #7
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Re: Spouce of a abused Partner.

Dave,

My husband read 'Allies in Healing' and found it to be very helpful. I've also heard of one called 'Ghosts in the Bedroom: A Guide for the Partners of Incest Survivors' by Ken Graber, also dated 1991, that is supposed to be good. I was sexually abused as a child for a number of years by my father, as well as my mother, brother, and grandfather. I agree with the pp about the counseling. My husband and I have went to counseling together and it was very helpful. I'm still in counseling and have been for just over ten years now. When seeking out a counselor, make sure that they're trained in PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) and child sexual abuse. I also hope that you're not seeing that other counselor anymore. That is absolutely revolting to hear that a so-called 'professional' would say such a thing about her being 'damaged goods'. It's simply not true, and I trust that you didn't tell your wife what he/she said, as she probably already feels that way. I know I did for a long time.

Last edited by kittywitty; 10-03-2007 at 01:45 PM.

 
Old 10-14-2007, 01:09 AM   #8
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Re: Spouce of a abused Partner.

I just have to stick up for your wife for a minute. i didn't like how the one person said that maybe she could be saying it be/c it's easy. I have never even been wronged in that way but I couldn't ever imagine just saying that just be/cit's easy. I just watched ths knidnapped and the one girl even said (she had to do sex acts and blah blah) that everyday is a struggle. maybe your wife unfortunately feels like sexual acts are dirty. When something like that happens to you before you are ready for sex period and have to do things unwillingly, I would think that, that would be soo scary. And people tell you that it is not your fault and that it was wrong and blah blah. I would think that at that young of age that it would kind of give the person (your wife) the impression that sexual acts are gross or wrong or something like that. i just feel very bad for your wife and everyone else who has ever had to go through something like that.

Have you ever talked to your wife about dirty magazines? How does she feel about them? would she get mad if you looked at them?

I don't think that it's wrong for you to pleasure urself. maybe you can talk to her about it?

 
Old 10-14-2007, 12:46 PM   #9
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Re: Spouce of a abused Partner.

You know I had some time to think this over, when I wrote this Post I was hurt.

I think I am being a bit Selfish, I have needs, but more importantly she has needs and her needs weigh more because she has less Control over them.
Her needs is that as her lover she needs me to understand she sometimes needs space from sex. I knew this from the Start and I shouldn't take It Personal when she slips a bit.

she knows about the Porn and is not threatened by it, and at times when she is in a adventuress mood she is willing to except it herself and new things and understands and meets my Needs more than I thought Possible.

Her Idea of Porn though is more erotic entertainment, we tried watching a movie From a Film based and made on erotica that excites woman. I really enjoyed it oddly, it was romantic and warm yet exciting.it had soft music in. the backround and at all times there was a sense of respect for the lovers in the film. Far better than the swill I watch, I Find Porn made for men crass and hollow and degrading.. but I am too embarrased to order the other stuff, if my friends were ever to find out... LOL you get the idea..

I really don't have anything to Complain about, she has come a very long way to trusting me and opening up. You see, as watching that film she was trying to meet me halfway. Most times she is like that.

I had always hoped she would come to accept my Solo activities, and Join me in some way even if it was to hold my hand or Just snuggle close when I am in the mood.. This may be beyond her, maybe Something in her past. that would be So much nicer than Porn. but I sneak away and instead of taking the chance of a negative reaction.

I regret starting this thread 'though I do not regret finding out about those books, thanks for that.
Dave









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Old 10-14-2007, 09:44 PM   #10
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Re: Spouce of a abused Partner.

Quote:
Originally Posted by JustDave4now View Post
I regret starting this thread 'though I do not regret finding out about those books, thanks for that.
Dave.
Well, I'm glad that you started the thread. Being the spouse or significant other of someone who was abused can be extremely difficult. You need support, too, and it's okay to reach out for help. I hope that you find the books helpful, and remember, we're all here for ya.

Last edited by kittywitty; 10-14-2007 at 09:53 PM.

 
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