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Old 08-19-2010, 01:08 AM   #1
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Am i being emotionaly abused?!

Hello, I'm a teen. Every teenager has family problems. I know that. Parents can be tough and pushy but they say its only to "protect you" and they're just "taking care of you" and "being a responsible" adult" †When do parents cross the line between being "a responsible parent" to a "abusive parent". Now you can tell where the line is when it comes to physical abuse but the line it blurred when it comes to emotional abuse. I have evidence that leads me and other to believe i have been a victim of emotional abuse my whole life. What i need to know is whether I'm overreacting or if i AM really a subject of emotional abuse. Hers my life story:

For starters, I was born an "oops" baby. What can i say? accidents happen. The fact that i was really wanted in the first place makes me sad. My mother cant date a good non-abusive man for the life of her. I don't know my father and from all the things I've heard about him, he does not seem like a nice guy. During my first years of childhood, all the men my mom dated either beat her, stole from her, or abandoned her. It sucks. And these thing may have something to so with the way she treats me now.
Me and my mother went to go live in china for a year when i turned 4. There, i was kept on a dog leash so i wouldn't run. It was a constant embarrassment and kind of hurt.
When i has five i came back to the USA. This is when my mom started to laugh at my and take picture of my when i cried so i would be "so embarrassed when i got older." that's quoted. Then she started being scary. She would snap at anything i did, like everything i did was wrong. My mom was dating a guy which was the guy i called my "dad" for the longest time and he noticed how bad her emotions were getting and tried to get her some help (which she rejected). Her emotions got so bad that one time she grabbed my neck and banged it against the kitchen table. She then started getting help. So did i. I started going to a kids counselor every few weeks.
Time went by, my mom and "dad" broke up. I was stuck in her emotional breakup whirlwind.
I began feel sad for my mother (naturally). Being a single parent is hard. I began to take on my mothers pain like my own and my counselors started to get worried. They said i was depressed and recommended i come every week. I did. I drank hot coco and lied about how i felt. My mom slowly got relieved herself from grief by taking out her emotional problems on me. She hogged everything! The food, the one room we shared. †When she had guys over, she would make me sleep on the living room floor so she would have the bedroom for herself and her boy.
I grew that way for years. Taking the blame for everything. Being to only one to do the chores in the house. My mom loved to bug me about chores! I was never doing enough of them! Even when i spend two days deep cleaning he whole house.
This leads me to my problem now. I've been with my loving boyfriend for almost two years now. He is my witness to the constant abuse i get at home now. Every day, he comes over and helps me clean the house. EVERYDAY! but i try to take a break for one day and i get called names and i get yelled at and eventually grounded! My boyfriend cant even take it anymore. He thinks my mom is abusing me. Is he right?

Here's what i go through now:
Constant name calling
Constantly being told i am failing (ex: my mom says no one likes me and i have no friends. She also likes to tell her friends lies about me so that she can feel better. Her friends talk to me and don't even believe half the things they hear)
Actions that imply that she wants to hurt me (ex: what she does is suck in her lips and picks up pans and pretend that shes about to hit me or they balls up her fist and it also looks like shes going to hit me.
Treating me like a slave (note: every teenager says that but in this case its very literal. She works me to the bone everyday and shes never satisfied. She always wants more.
She takes my money (i don't have allowance. I only get money from my boyfriend. She says i need to start giving her money for rent and bills.)
She also does never listens to me when i speak
She doesn't feed me food and i get it from my friends houses
She doesn't help me with any issues I'm having
And she doesn't let me hang out with people trying to stick up for me ( ex: my boyfriends parent called someone on my mom and now i cant go to bis house anymore.)
†there is more but enough of that.
Now, here's a list of problems and things that my counselor has told me:
My counselor tells me that due to stress i the maturity of an adult. She expressed concern about me not actually having a child hood.
I am always stressed.
I was suicidal
used to hurt my self
i have depression (i don't take anti-depressants because my mom wont let me)
I have no self esteem
No confidence

I need help! I cant take living like this anymore! Everyone i talk to says i need to find away to get away from her but i cant! i don't want to be a foster child and there's no hard evidence other then the word of a few people, that shes abusing me.
These problems keep me from accelerating in school or even just having fun.
Somebody help me.

Last edited by Administrator; 11-30-2010 at 04:53 AM.

 
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Old 08-19-2010, 05:34 AM   #2
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Exclamation Re: Am i being emotionaly abused?!

Being in a situation like yours makes everything questionable. Also it makes you exam what is wrong with you and drives you to try to do things better and please the person that is abusive. My husband treats me borderline poorly, but just bad enough so that I think I probably deserve it. Then he will be really nice and I think every thing is fine, but he goes back to being critical, always says to me I don't know what you are talking about etc.especially when I am trying to express emotion he says something insulting to push me away.this has gone on for years and I am losing my spirit. I always hope it will be better, if I make a nice dinner or clean the house better. I am getting older and feel years of my life have been stripped from me trying to make it work. Now I am tiring from the whole thing. The very sad realization is that feeling so dejected I have become isolated from friends,my own doing, and now realizing the reality of what is happening I am more aware of his tactics. Travels with his job so there are breaks in the despair. Also he is quite full of himself so I imagine he has affairs just because it is there. When we are together he is always semi flirting with The most attractive woman and always has a bad boy type personality. He talks non stop, doesn't listen to me and trys to control everything.

I can relate to your story. I always strive to get on with it and get a life, but I am embarrassed to admit I just am Incapable of moving forward with confidence and feel there is hope for improvement someday with our relationship (but that never happens).

Last edited by Administrator; 11-30-2010 at 05:12 AM.

 
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Old 09-01-2010, 04:36 AM   #3
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Re: Am i being emotionaly abused?!

Really sounds like abuse to me, you said yourself that "dad" tried to get her help.

It's really not healthy to grow up in an enviorment like that..

 
Old 09-03-2010, 06:15 AM   #4
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Re: Am i being emotionaly abused?!

Yes, you are being abused. I'm so sorry that you are having to go through this. It sounds just horrible.

Can you talk to a counselor at school?

I wish that I had something that I could say that would make it all better for you or give you a way out of this mess.

 
Old 09-03-2010, 07:35 PM   #5
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Re: Am i being emotionaly abused?!

My school counselor is entitled to call CPS or my mother if i tell her. My mother has put a great deal of effort covering everything shes done. I also have the dilemma that i wouldn't be taken away right away, i would have to stay with my mom while CPS or whoever figures stuff out which means I'm going to be treated worse for telling on her. I have a less then a year until i can get emancipated... But until then, I'm going to have to bear through it and not tell anyone. No one can help me with out solid proof and i don't know how to get any.

Last edited by Administrator; 11-30-2010 at 04:50 AM.

 
Old 11-29-2010, 06:52 AM   #6
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Re: Am i being emotionaly abused?!

I know how your feeling, I'm 17 nearly 18 and my back ground isit so good I went into foster care whwhen I was 16 as that was my last resort and if I didn't I would have been destroyed. You say yousay you don't want to be fostered I never wanted to either, its not all that bad and you feel a lot better aswell. Although I have now returned home after 8 9 months my mum don't hit me nor talks to me like a baby or even threatens me, she realised what she done and said sorry, maybe have a think about foster care as what other alternative is there, do you have relatives??

Last edited by Administrator; 11-30-2010 at 04:51 AM.

 
Old 11-30-2010, 01:15 AM   #7
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Re: Am i being emotionaly abused?!

Sweetheart,

Your story is simply heartbreaking, and yes it is abuse. To hear how a mother could demean and hurt their own child is beyond me.

I encourage you to keep posting here, so we can offer you daily support until you find an opening and can get out. There are many wonderful people here who care about you and can share this with you. You are not alone in this, although it must feel that way tonight.

Hopefully if you can find others who have lived through unhappy childhoods and have overcome some of the obstacles that you have ahead of you...it will be comforting to you.

You sound like a very smart and thoughtful young person who does not deserve this treatment. You have your whole future ahead of you that you can choose how to live, with whom to live and set your own rules about everything. While you cannot make these decisions now, the time will come so be ready.

As a mother, I cannot stand the thought of any child having to go through the things you have. I would be happy to keep in touch with you here. Writing down our feelings and thoughts in a safe place can really clear your mind for other things. Putting your thoughts down gives you a chance to free your mind of them, if just for awhile. None of this is your fault.

I look forward to your reply...we are here to help you and we welcome you to our HealthBoard family.

Last edited by writeleft; 12-16-2010 at 12:23 PM.

 
Old 11-30-2010, 07:08 PM   #8
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Re: Am i being emotionaly abused?!

Thank you for being so supportive. It means a lot to me that people like you are reaching out to me when no one else is. It's hard living the way i live. Since I've posted this, things have changed. I found myself giving up. I am numb and i don't feel alive. Like im inn a dream. Sometimes i hurt myself to make sure im still alive because im afraid i cant feel. I think my body has given up too. Lately i find that parts of my body feel numb and it feels like its not actually me. For example, my arm dont feel attached to my body. I also feel like everything i look at is dreamy and far away. Even as i write this, i feel like someone else is typing and its not even me. I'm afraid. And i feel trapped. Almost unresponsive to everything around me like nothing even matters. I don't feel alive anymore.
Thanks for saying i seem smart. I may have been smart but now im not. Im a vegetable.

 
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Old 12-01-2010, 07:33 PM   #9
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Re: Am i being emotionaly abused?!

Hello Angel ,
You are in my thoughts and prayers....
Dear Heavenly Father I ask that you take away this young lady's sadness and pain inside her and get her through everything she is going through in her home, and keep her safe and watch over her. I ask that you give her the strength that she needs to get through her days and keep her staying strong as she has been through these years she has indured. I thank you God for evrything you have helped her through and please continue to help her with any obstical's ahead of her, and give her the loving, and caring family she so deserves, and walk her down the road's of life to happiness, Amen.

Last edited by Administrator; 12-29-2010 at 03:19 AM.

 
Old 12-06-2010, 05:15 PM   #10
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Re: Am i being emotionaly abused?!

she's being rude! humiliating you and saying things that leave you feeling worthless. the definate 'case' you have here is the neglect, if you're only getting money from your boyfriend would i be right in thinking that you are still in school? yet she thinks YOU should be supproting HER financially?! she does nothing to provide a sanitary environment for you and doesn't feed you, does she even clothe you? she fails to provide guidance for your upbringing, i imagine she doesn't even speak to you unless it's to complain about you failing to meet all of her needs? this is a child in a mother's body looking to her offspring to take care of her and raise her.

in uk if a teen goes to stay with someone else, no one can do anything about it, no one can make you go home. i 'ran away' from similar situation, police found me, made sure i was safe and well, and that was their job done, i was safe and well, they came, they saw, they went away again.
you might also like to check out info on daughters of NPD mothers

chin up hun, be strong x

Last edited by Administrator; 02-10-2011 at 01:59 PM.

 
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Old 12-06-2010, 05:58 PM   #11
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Re: Am i being emotionaly abused?!

Quote:
Originally Posted by WednesdayK View Post
Thank you for being so supportive. It means a lot to me that people like you are reaching out to me when no one else is. It's hard living the way i live. Since I've posted this, things have changed. I found myself giving up. I am numb and i don't feel alive. Like im inn a dream. Sometimes i hurt myself to make sure im still alive because im afraid i cant feel. I think my body has given up too. Lately i find that parts of my body feel numb and it feels like its not actually me. For example, my arm dont feel attached to my body. I also feel like everything i look at is dreamy and far away. Even as i write this, i feel like someone else is typing and its not even me. I'm afraid. And i feel trapped. Almost unresponsive to everything around me like nothing even matters. I don't feel alive anymore.
Thanks for saying i seem smart. I may have been smart but now im not. Im a vegetable.
i'm so sorry you're going through this
i remember feeling like this, don't be frightened. it's a defense mechanism, it's something your brain is naturally doing to help you get through what you're going through, to make it less real. you're going to be be fine, your brain has your very best interests at heart. you will only feel this way as long as you need to, it will not stay after you no longer need it. your life will begin again, you're just 'on hold' at the moment. it's not forever.
please try to notice when you feel even slightly better, and note what has made you feel that way, it may be spending time with a certain person, reading a certain author, listening to a certain kind of music, a particular place to go to think, these things can be so incredibly supportive, even in the darkest of times.

stay strong x

 
Old 12-16-2010, 03:13 AM   #12
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Re: Am i being emotionaly abused?!

Quote:
Originally Posted by WednesdayK View Post
Thank you for being so supportive. It means a lot to me that people like you are reaching out to me when no one else is. It's hard living the way i live. Since I've posted this, things have changed. I found myself giving up. I am numb and i don't feel alive. Like im inn a dream. Sometimes i hurt myself to make sure im still alive because im afraid i cant feel. I think my body has given up too. Lately i find that parts of my body feel numb and it feels like its not actually me. For example, my arm dont feel attached to my body. I also feel like everything i look at is dreamy and far away. Even as i write this, i feel like someone else is typing and its not even me. I'm afraid. And i feel trapped. Almost unresponsive to everything around me like nothing even matters. I don't feel alive anymore.
Thanks for saying i seem smart. I may have been smart but now im not. Im a vegetable.
There's no question that what you're facing is downright abusive. I'm so sorry that you've gone through so much at such a young age. I cringed when I read that your mum tied you up with a leash.

Your responses are highly normal for individuals who are abused and traumatised. Dissociative experiences are ways for our brains to block out those painful memories - they're meant to defend us by making it "unreal". However, it isn't meant to prolong.

Feeling numb is also adaptive. After going through so much, it's normal to want to feel anymore. But emotions help us feel alive, and so you turn to self-harm to feel pain.

It's also normal for you to fear reporting this to authorities, though I really think you should. Don't be fearful of your mum's reactions - make sure that you make your fears known. Please understand that you do not deserve any of these maltreatment. You're not an accident. You being here on earth is not your fault. If it's anyone's mistake - it's your parents'.

You certainly do not deserve anything of what your mum did to you. I hope you'll find the strength to pull yourself out of this. You're a very strong and brave girl to have made it this far. I know that you can pull through this.

 
Old 12-16-2010, 12:41 PM   #13
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Re: Am i being emotionaly abused?!

I am so happy you returned, I am right here, just as I said I would. Please continue to write, so we can continue to care for you even if it is just in words...

I agree with the others who mentioned that your feelings are natural and a sign of your own strength, that is dissociating yourself from the feelings that are not good for you. You are protecting yourself in the best way you can.

Please do not hurt yourself, you are strong enough not to do it. You will need all you have to break yourself free of all this. You have to protect yourself from outside harm, that is where the numbness comes from. It does not mean that you need to cut to prove you can feel something. This will not last forever, it will end one day.

Your parents only have a certain amount of time with you, then you can leave and go anywhere you want. Keep your eyes on the prize!

Think of yourself in your protective egg, and when the day comes that you crack it open and work your way out, you will have a smart sensitive young woman, ready to see the world emerge.

Love and prayers to you...

 
Old 02-03-2011, 04:21 PM   #14
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Re: Am i being emotionaly abused?!

With out a doubt you are being abused. You need to get help where ever you can. I know the foster system has it's flaws.
Please, stay safe.

 
Old 02-04-2011, 04:16 PM   #15
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Re: Am i being emotionaly abused?!

May I add a book resource?

The Emotionally Abusive Relationship by Beverly Engel

 
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