So this weekend my Bf of a year and I got in a huge argument. He was expressing his feelings of concern with me. He feels like I don't want him. He said something to me in a serious tone that made me laugh and he got really angry and hit me with his pillow. ( we were laying next to each other in bed and think of when 2 people are messing around having fun and hit you with a pillow..it was like that except we werent joking around) At that point it really freaked me out that I am in an abusive relationship because there have been other signs that i've noticed in the past that have made me believe that my bf deep down inside is an angry person. HIs family doesn't have the best respect for each other when they arent getting along and his mom had been in a previous marriage that was extremely abusive. From what I've seen his family cuss at each other, i've heard him call his sister a ***** before because she wouldn't go watch TV in another room so that him and I could watch TV in the family room.
Our relationship concerns me because there have been other times where one of us expressed are anger at eachother other by touching. I once squeezed his leg because he was acting inappropriate to a cop when we were pulled over. I slapped his leg once when he said something disrespectful to me about my friend. I squeezed his hand once because he was grabbing my butt in a bar once and I told him to stop and he wouldn't. He tugged at my hair after i squeezed his hand. He gave my cheeck a little pop with the back of his hand after I refused to kiss him because he was acting like a jerk to me. and then now he hit me with the pillow.
None of these incidents hurt, but it just concerns me that hes handling his anger that way and mine too. My motivation for doing the things that i've done are because my mom used to do those things to me when I was younger and acting inappropriate or I was ******* her off. I wasn't doing it to hurt him it was more of a motherly reaction (I am more mature than him and sometimes my motherly instincts come out) But I don't know what his motives were when he's done the things he's done. It seems more of an impulsive move than anything, but I really don't know.
In between the times that these incidents happen there really isn't anything that I feel afraid about. Like I am not depressed, my self esteem hasn't lowered. I've always had an issue with being a lone, but thats gotten better over time. Him and I have a good time together, we get along great when were getting alone, but when we fight it sucks. My bf has a bit of a double standard though with some things. Like the night that he hit me with the pillow I was trying to explain to him the things that he has done to make me act the way he was concerned about and he can't see that he does anything wrong. its always my fault, but really I think its the both of us.
I'm just afraid that this lashing out anger will get worse, even though I might not have anything to worry about and want to know what you all think of this.
next time it happens. Because I have just started being concerned with it because of it happening more than once. After next time I know that its not worth staying in because we've been dating for a year and if he can't take responsibilities for his actions as well than I don't want to date him because I hate being blamed and it pisses me off that people can't accept things they did wrong.
Last edited by Administrator; 12-12-2010 at 07:53 PM.
Re: I need help determining if this is abuse or not
yeah i can see why you would be worried about anything getting worse. in my opinion what you two have done so far is minor things, not saying it is right but its only small. i must admit though thats how abusive partners usually start out , they do small things then it gets more and more and harder each time its like they work there way up. if he does anything again tell him it is unacceptable , but you must not do anything aswell although i do understand you slapping his hand if he is touching your butt in a public bar when you have asked him to stop and no listen. think you two need to talk :-).
I am no expert but it sounds to me like its bothering you and that you don't like who you are when you're together. Speaking from experience it is best to trust your instincts and if it doesn't feel right then its probably not. There is always counseling too if you want to give it a try...
When I first replied I was working under theassumption that you had told him that these things bothered you....it occurred to me that maybe not? Maybe he doesn't know these things are concerning to you. Make it clear that you don't want touched like that especially out of anger.
Last edited by Administrator; 12-12-2010 at 07:54 PM.
Oh I have told him. I told him the time he popped my face. I told him to leave my house & then this weekend I was visiting him at school and so I didnt really have a place to go so I ran downstairs. I haven't done anything to him since the time I slapped his leg.
I've done a little research into abusive relationships previously (as a matter of interest - not experience) and my findings pretty much seemed to point to socio-pathological tendencies in the abusive partner.
The general characteristics of a socio-path include (but are not exclusive):
Controlling behaviour (i.e monitoring who you associate with, not allowing you to do things etc)
Charming - especially in front of other people - tend to be "attention seekers" in groups
Places blame of incidents on others - and if they are caught out in a lie (or whatever) plead and mope and try to impart guilt on the other party.'
And of course - Violence
If you have noticed any of these behaviours then I would be worried that you may have an abusive partner in the making.
But from your boyfriends point of view,... I would be pretty p****d if I was explaining to you my inner most thoughts and concerns and you laughed at me. Although I wouldn't reach for the pillow.
Maybe he just has anger management issues... Talk to him about his concerns and yours. And most importantly, listen respectfully until he's finished then have your say and ask that he do the same.
I certainly don't condon his behavior, but look at it from his side. You squeezed his leg, etc etc. Evrything he did back to you was a reaction to what "your mothering" instinct had done to him. He porbably felt that it was OK to recipricate. It certainly doesn't make it right, but he probably felt that if it was OK for you to do it, he could also......just a thought.
I don't think he's done anything worse than what you've done - so far. And if you both are using 'touching' as a way of handling your disputes, it probably could escalate.
He's not allowed to do it, but neither are you. Not for any excuse ('mother instinct' doesn't cut it).
Years ago I had a girlfriend who'd tell me about her fights with her boyfriend and her point would be that he'd eventually hit her in some way - but she ALWAYS was the first to hit/kick/punch him. It always drove me nuts to listen to her tell how she kicked him or whatever and then boom. Well, duh.
Not to say for a second that you're going anywhere near that far, but what you have done is let him know that solving your disputes by 'touching' is acceptable. You have to stop and you have to let him know that it's totally unacceptable for both of you.
"I am more mature than him and sometimes my motherly instincts come out"
I don't know if this apllies to your situation at all, but my sister, who is younger than me, sometimes thinks and acts this way, which I sometimes find insulting.
If he hasn't actually harmed you, I wouldn't see it as abuse. However, there are other ways to recognize abuse. I think deep inside you know if he would ever actually hurt you. I don't know if anyone here will be able to tell you that.
I myself wrestle with anger in my relationship with my gf. My dad was always angery and shouted a lot. Sometimes I find myself doing the same thing to my gf and it makes me feel horrible. I know if I read a similiar post by my gf it would probably bring me to tears knowing that she was afraid I might hurt her. Maybe he should read what you wrote? Or maybe you should just express your concerns with him in a mature way; and I don't mean a "mature" way, if you know what I'm saying.
I'm no expert, so take it with a grain of salt. If you really are in an abusive relationship, run.