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Old 12-21-2010, 09:44 PM   #1
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Is this technically abuse?

I know this whole thing is just crazy, but I am wondering if this is technically abuse..I am engaged to a guy. When we first met, he was sweet and fun. A few months after we began dating, he blew up over something absolutely small and stupid...I was upset, but I figured he was just grouchy from working third shift and let it go. Gradually, he began having more temper tantrums like a 3 year old, but he is a grown man. He is absolutely unreasonable when he gets angry, and then blames it on his mom leaving or something else that is obviously irrelevant. This really worries me. He hasn't called me any names, but he gets angry at other people and situations out of my control and will put me on guilt trips and cuss and yell when we are driving down the road. When he gets like that, I get scared because he can't be reasoned with. For example, he got angry at me over being "left out" of a conversation between me and my cousin and called me to tell me that he ought to "slap the sh*t out of me".

He constantly puts down other people and any time I have tried to get him to do anything with my friends or cousins, he says he feels like they didn't like him or he just didn't like them. He became really jealous with me and had gotten to where he would get angry about my work schedule and tell me to call in sick so we could do something. When I didn't, he said that hurt his feelings. After one of his tantrums that really upset me, his mom took him to the doctor and he was put on Celexa. However, he has gone off the pills twice within 4 months because he will "just forget to take them". He became really cold after he stopped the Celexa. For months, I have felt like there is nothing I can do to make him happy.

I covered up for him, mostly out of personal embarrassment and thinking that it would all get better, until last week. He got angry at me because I wasn't going to go to his dad's birthday dinner and yelled at me so loud in the phone that my dad heard him in the next room. I had been ignoring all these problems and feeling obligated to keep everything smooth in our relationship until this happened. I told him that I didn't like how I have been treated and that I can't forgive some of the hurtful things he has said to me.

He now has been crying and calling me, saying how sorry he is and that he is going to change. In a way, I feel like maybe he will change, but I'm scared to keep going down this road and I feel stuck and don't know what to do or how he will react if I break it off.

Last edited by Administrator; 12-25-2010 at 08:38 PM.

 
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Old 12-21-2010, 11:05 PM   #2
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Re: Is this technically abuse?

Dude, this guy you are dating has a problem I mean like a serious problem, like when he was little he could of been sexually or mentally abused, leading to the effect that he has today. Not knowing how to control his emotions or how to react so he takes it out using the most easily and simple emotions. Example: Anger,Rage,Depression,Etc Also its not a good idea to tell him straight up "I'm breaking up", If you do that, that could trigger desperation inside him and he will look for not healthy ways to get out of his feeling.

The best way to get out of this is to move away, it might sound ridiculous but it is a option, or to always be with someone bigger than him that can protect you. And yes thats Mental abuse that can affect you in the near future big time. Because you hold in your emotions and they just build up, The best thing to do is to find someone to your preference that could protect you.

Last edited by Administrator; 12-25-2010 at 08:40 PM.

 
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Old 12-22-2010, 04:38 AM   #3
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Re: Is this technically abuse?

Why even question it. Get out and get out now. I don't know how old you are but it sounds like you may need to get your family involved in this. This boy is not ready for a relationship whatsoever. With the way he has been treating you i would say that it won't take long for you to see just how far down he has taken you and for you to bounce back from this. Sincerely, searchin

 
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Old 12-22-2010, 06:40 AM   #4
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Re: Is this technically abuse?

I do feel like I should get out. The problem I am having is that he keeps calling me crying and saying how much he loves me and he doesn't want to act this way and I am the only one that can help him, which I really can't do anymore at this point. I guess the main problem I'm having here is how to get out. His family won't look at this as a genuine life issue and I know that I'm going to be "the bad guy" here. (I already am, as of yesterday, for making her son unhappy!) When I didn't just take him back this time, he brought me an expensive gift to work and when I still didn't say everything would be ok this time, he said he was going to go home and kill himself for breaking my heart... yes I know this is not normal. It sounds nutty but it's like I couldnt face the possibility of something being wrong here and I feel like I have woken up to a real nightmare. He has never struck me, but him saying he ought to slap me over absolutely nothing, and his gun-carrying scares me. When he is being his nice self, I couldn't imagine him ever hurting me but he can snap to insane anger in a flash and I never know what will set him off. In some ways I feel obligated to give him a second chance and see if he will change. This sounds dumb too, but I took the ring off for a bit yesterday and felt really guilty about it so I put it back on. , I feel really torn.

 
Old 12-22-2010, 06:58 AM   #5
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Re: Is this technically abuse?

you need to end this relationship
he's manipulative and abusive, and may even have a personality disorder.
don't let him guilt you into staying

 
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Old 12-22-2010, 08:59 AM   #6
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Re: Is this technically abuse?

For you to ask if this is abuse, you know it is. Mental, verbal and eventually physical. This sounds exactly like the situation I was in, in high school. Exactly! My boyfriend was so sweet, giving gifts, etc. That was just the beginning of the end! He became very jealous, insecure, controlling. Everything was my fault or my family's. He tried to take my family and friends away from me as "they wanted to break us up". Damn right! He was psychotic. Can't tell you how many times he would threaten to kill himself. Secretly I thought, please do. You must, and I mean must, get out now. Talk to your parents, friends, whoever and get help. And if he's carrying around a gun, maybe get a restraining order. He will not just let you walk away without a fight. He will try every trick in the book to keep you. You need to end this and put up a wall of protection around you.
Be careful and best of luck.

 
Old 12-22-2010, 10:24 AM   #7
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Re: Is this technically abuse?

Thank you! How did you end it, if you don't mind me asking?

 
Old 12-23-2010, 07:35 AM   #8
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Re: Is this technically abuse?

I'll be honest with you, it kind of came to an end.
He knew my friends (and family to a degree) knew what was going on and I think it kind of scared him. We drifted apart yet I know he was always watching for some time. I think that may help you by telling family. This lets him know that they are aware of what is going on. You'll have a bigger circle of support than he will. He may flip at first but hopefully will come to his senses to leave you alone. I would suggest you not be alone for awhile. If he knows your routine and your family's, he will know when you are alone. Hopefully it won't have to come to that, but better to be safe than sorry. I did watch my back for some time and made sure I was always with someone.
Please be careful and wishing you a Merry Christmas!

 
Old 12-26-2010, 04:04 PM   #9
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Re: Is this technically abuse?

It's not the kind of abuse you can call the cops about, but it's definitely mental abuse. I also think it's probably tied in with a personality disorder and you do NOT want to be sticking around with someone who behaves like that.

It'll probably take a while to get yourself out of that situation but you gotta start working on it asap and for sure start letting your friends and family what's going on. It's a real shame his mother doesn't see what he's doing

Good luck and keep us posted, it could get worse before it gets better.

 
Old 01-04-2011, 08:43 AM   #10
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Re: Is this technically abuse?

I broke off the engagement and broke up with him...he has said he is sorry and to please give him another chance. Im really numb to all this now, though. He has said he needs me to help him, how he loves me so much, how much he has cried and how scared he is to get help for his anger issues (?), etc... I don't want to even chance being back in that situation though. We talked last night and when I still wouldnt break down and give him another chance, he got mad. He then said to tell him how I got over him so fast and said he wanted back the money he had spent on gas, food, etc... I told him that he is a jerk and needs to grow up and hung up on him. I have no intentions of fixing anything now, and I hope this is the end of him bothering me. Thanks for all the support, guys!

 
Old 01-04-2011, 08:57 AM   #11
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Re: Is this technically abuse?

good for you!
he's trying to manipulate you.....stay strong and don't fall for it!

 
Old 02-02-2011, 06:40 AM   #12
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Re: Is this technically abuse?

Honey, run as fast and as far as you can!!! Before you get married or pregnant, please leave this jerk. He will not grow up just because you marry him. I made an awful mistake and spent 27 horrible years with an abuser. I thought like you and covered for him too! I'm free now and marrid to a wonderful, kind, loving and giving man. I'll be praying for you. Opehelia

 
Old 02-03-2011, 02:05 PM   #13
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Re: Is this technically abuse?

I was in an abusive relationship, girl, and this screams it. I have been there, given the 2nd, 3rd, 4th chances. They won't change. Don't go back, move on, heck change phone numbers if you have to.

Stay strong girl and don't go back to him. Guys like him need wake up calls and going back to him is just allowing the bad behavior. You don't owe him anything. You owe yourself to find a good man that loves you, cares for you, And is not abusive & manipulative. Take care of yourself, forget about him and live your life for you.

 
Old 02-06-2011, 05:07 PM   #14
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Re: Is this technically abuse?

I haven't seen him since a week before Christmas and I am soooooo much happier since we split! I have no intentions of ever returning to that situation and am not quite sure why I put up with it, looking back now... I appreciate all the good advice and support!!! Thanks everyone!

 
Old 02-09-2011, 09:40 AM   #15
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Re: Is this technically abuse?

MissKris -
So glad to hear everything is working out well for you!!
Enjoy your family, friends and freedom! You deserve it!
Take care.

 
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