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Old 01-02-2011, 10:41 PM   #1
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BabyGirlxo HB User
Why am I still inlove with my abusive ex boyfriend?

Hi, I'm 17 About a year && a half ago me && my boyfriend at the time were insanely inlove.. I was 15, he was 20.. && When we first started dating I never would of guessed he would turn out to be a monster.. A brief input on our status before we started dating, was we would talk about everything together all summer over msn, he was actually the only guy I could hold a real, inspiring conversation with. So after the summer he moved back to town and we started hanging out, slowly moving into a relationship with him, the first 4 months of our relationship were great. I started to love him inside && out, and he loved me just as much if not more.. Than one night we were planing on going out and drinking for the first time in a month... && I had a bit too much to drink and ended up kissing some other guy, && he walked in and saw it.. ever since after that he turned crazy && massively abusive, breaking his phones, punching holes in the walls, constantly reading my text, telling me if i left him he would kill himself, so I felt obligated to stay with him, I blamed myself for what I did to him. I turned him into a monster after the one night of regret.. && the worst part of all is i love him. i stayed with him && it just got worse, I could never hang out with my friends, I barely saw my parents, I distant myself from everyone i card about, my freinds gave up and said if i stayed with him it was over, I ended up punching my best freind in the face for him.. I risked my whole life for him, he told me nobody would ever be there , he was my one and only.. i was his. and one night he smashed his head thru a car window after an argument, and it did no damage to him, so when we got to my house he grabbed a knife and cut himself, the next day i woke up and told him i was done && it ws over, he snapped and grabbed a knife and cut himself so bad he was bleeding everywere, i called the cops and they had to chase him down, and sent him to the phycward.. eventually things from there only got wrose, and 8 months into our relationship, people finally got fed up with his behavior and chased him out of town, && I havnt seen him since, we talked thru the internet after and he said he was sorry and all. I accepted his apology a few months back, and weve been talking time to time... The thing is I still love him, after all the hurt that was done.. after all the abuse and crazyness, when i see his name my heart drops.. i still dream about him time to time. I still magorly love him.. Ive been writing about my feelings for him since we were together... and i try to get over him, but i cant? he wants to meet up, he moved back to town a few weeks ago.. but i just cant bare to see him, some how i know that when i see him, im gunna rip apart inside.. i dunno what to do, he says hes changed and hes happy, and hes got his life together, how he misses me, wishes im happy aswell, how if we wwere meant to be will be, but than here i am, falling for all this, crying inside, hoping someone can understand were im coming from, what im going though, but no one does. im so young and ive had many boyfreinds and guys that wanna be with me, but none of them compare, i can never have that feeling i had with him, not even close, that feeling of loving someone so much, you would litteraly give an arm for them.. im dying inside, i jjuust don;t know what to do, should i make an effort and see him, see how things go, or just let it go.. and if i try and make an effort, will i ruin all the progress ive made over the last 19 months.. i dunnoo.. i need some majour reality check.. or some really good advice.. =( This last 19 months ive finally figured out who i am again, i fianlly got myself back, im stronger than ever, like what doesnt kill me makes me stronger,but i feel like if i let this guy back in, and let things go, ill loose all self control, but than I think, well maybe we can just be friends, cant we just be friends? could we see how it goes, just hang out and talk like we used to, go back to before, go back to when we were talkin on msn and everyhting was cool? thats what i truely want, i want that friend that i could tell anything to, but how could he turn out to this monster, i regret everything i did, i feel like its all my fault, maybe if i never drank and kissed that guy, maybe things would of been different> omg, so many things that run through my mind, it would be great if someone could just know what im talking about, relate to this.. so please, express ur opinion or if u relate, or have advice. thanks..

Last edited by BabyGirlxo; 01-06-2011 at 01:20 AM.

 
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Old 01-04-2011, 01:38 PM   #2
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Join Date: Jun 2007
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PrincessSweetNS HB UserPrincessSweetNS HB UserPrincessSweetNS HB User
Re: Why am I still inlove with my abusive ex boyfriend?

Don't get involved with him again, PLEASE don't. he will never change. They never do. There is a cycle, and I can see it clearly in your post.....he srtarts off by making you fall in love with him. Then he isolates you from friends and family--- basically your support network. And then comes the big bad incident... in your case, slashing himself so badly you had to call the cops, and get himself checked into Psych, just so you would be scared into staying with him and "being good". And then comes the last part of the cycle, which mimicks the first part where he gets you to fall in lvoe with him again. But don't be fooled--- it'll happen again.

To break it down, the cycle looks something like this

1) Get you to fall in love, spoils you, connects with you, showers you with attention and love
2) starts to isloate you, manipulate you so that you rely solely on him (your friends...)
3) BIG BAD INCIDENT (this time he hurt himself...next time it could be you he cuts)
4/1) He tries to get you fall in love with him again, maybe promises that he'llget help, or says that he's changed and "is better now"....
2) You'll want to go out with your friends, or go to college... and he'll say something like "You want to go out with your friends? I'm going to look for a counsellor to help and fix me so we can be a healthy couple, and you want to go out?"

It continues like that.

You're stronger. You're healthier. You're more experienced with life. Delete him from your contacts. Just do it. Get rid of him-- he's not even back in your life and look at you, you're an emotional mess. Everything is just getting back on track, don't let him derail you. Get an education, go to college or community college. Find out more about who YOU are. Get new friends (or reconnect with your old ones) and swear to yourself not to let a guy to break you guys up. Travel. See the world. Love yourself, and you will be able to find a man who loves and respects you, and won't hurt you or emotionally blackmail you.

Delete him, and move on with your life. I've been there, TWICE. I know what I'm talking about, and the only way to fully stop thinking about them is to move on and get your own life on track with education, friends, travel and eventually a mature healthy relationship. If you still have deep lingering feelings for him then go see a counsellor (your guidance counsellor can hook you up with one) to help you resolve those feelings. Don't go back to him.

 
Old 01-06-2011, 01:34 AM   #3
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BabyGirlxo HB User
Re: Why am I still inlove with my abusive ex boyfriend?

See thats exactly what i've learned through out abuse.. but yet theres still that wonder in the back of ur head like ... hmm, what if he did change? what if he changed for the better and if i dont take that chance some other girl gets what i wanted all this time? But what if the wonder is just a phase that every girl in that situation goes through.. its a cycle like u said, not with the guys but with the girls to, they say sorry - you refuse, they tell u theyve changed, you wonder? You take them back && things seem fine, than things **** up and bam theres the im sorry, and theres the girl.. wondering again? It''s all so ****** up , but i dont wanna wonder anymore. i just wanna be done with it and move the **** on like u said, ive tried so hard ive gone months without talking to the kid, blocked and deleted off facebook, than five months later a pop up on msn from him.. like as soon as im forgetting and getting over him, bam.. there he is, back in my head again. Your so right tho everything u said , is right. I recognize that && feel it. I see it.. But if I can see it and believe it.. than why do I still wonder? Is that something that will always stick? Is it better to not know than to risk it all?

 
Old 01-06-2011, 06:01 PM   #4
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gem6 HB User
Re: Why am I still inlove with my abusive ex boyfriend?

The best advice i can give to you, is that although things seem hard at the moment, it will get better.

You need to think about your own life. The behaviour he has shown is not normal, and i agree, you should stay away from him. You are bound to feel that he may change, and that you don't want to be without him, but things will get easier, i promise. People don't like change generally, and things will change if you stay away from him, but just imagine once you have got over him after a while how much better things will be.

Hang on in there, and remember you are the most important person. And remember this is your life, you are still young like me, and why should you allow someone like him make you feel this way. Your worth more than this.

Gem

 
Old 01-07-2011, 10:29 AM   #5
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PrincessSweetNS HB UserPrincessSweetNS HB UserPrincessSweetNS HB User
Re: Why am I still inlove with my abusive ex boyfriend?

I odn't mean to hijack your thread, but I'm going to tell you a short story of me, just so you know where I'm coming from, and not just spitting out info from after school specials and talk shows.

I was the guly duckling in my grade in elementary school. all the girls were pretty, petite, blonde and went to Sparks/Brownies. I was big boned (though skinny), tall, dark hair/eyes with curly long hair and glasses. They played tag, had schoolyard weddings. I read about global warming, history and went to International Language School.

When I was 14, and the glasses came off and the bra came on, I had change physically, but I was still the awkward, shy kid inside. "He" came along. He took advantage of all of that, he was older I was obviously younger. NOt going into detail, but it was pretty bad.

When we broke up, he took all my friends with him. He was a believable person, magnetic, charming- they believed him when he said everything I was saying was an exaggeration. Even my best friend.

I had to start over, it was hard. I started writing a story, autobiographical to a point, but it unfolded how I dreamed my life woudl be. And I thought, if I can create that scenario in my mind, how come I can't in reality? So I did. A year after we broke up--- I had a boatload of new friends, outgoing, got good grades, and went to dances.

In high school, I was insanely popular, with a small group of tight friends. Had boys liking me, but I was on a mission to fix myself first, though i did "date" a bit. Good grades in most classes. Went to other countries on spring break as a part of Spanish class, and French class trips. Spirit Squad (aka Cheerleading). My life was awesome. I went to university, and met my now husband. He's everything thast I wanted.... a former GREEN BERET (I love soldiers), protective, caring, loving, tough, my best friend. And we're trying to have babies.

I say all that to say.... if I can start over, so can you. If thousands of women can start all over again (including money and housing things) then YOU CAN TOO. Delete and block him from every mode of communication you have--- cell phone, house phone, msn, y!messenger, googletalk, dont leave a stone unturned. Like cleaning your room-- get the trash out so you have room for all the good stuff.

You are worth SO MUCH MORE than what he is willing to give you. You are worth more than heartache, physical and emotional pain. You have a life out there with potential friends, jobs, travels, money, guys: all you have to do is reach out and take it.

 
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Old 01-07-2011, 02:47 PM   #6
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linguist1 HB Userlinguist1 HB User
Re: Why am I still inlove with my abusive ex boyfriend?

Quote:
Originally Posted by BabyGirlxo View Post
See thats exactly what i've learned through out abuse.. but yet theres still that wonder in the back of ur head like ... hmm, what if he did change? what if he changed for the better and if i dont take that chance some other girl gets what i wanted all this time? But what if the wonder is just a phase that every girl in that situation goes through.. its a cycle like u said, not with the guys but with the girls to, they say sorry - you refuse, they tell u theyve changed, you wonder? You take them back && things seem fine, than things **** up and bam theres the im sorry, and theres the girl.. wondering again? It''s all so ****** up , but i dont wanna wonder anymore. i just wanna be done with it and move the **** on like u said, ive tried so hard ive gone months without talking to the kid, blocked and deleted off facebook, than five months later a pop up on msn from him.. like as soon as im forgetting and getting over him, bam.. there he is, back in my head again. Your so right tho everything u said , is right. I recognize that && feel it. I see it.. But if I can see it and believe it.. than why do I still wonder? Is that something that will always stick? Is it better to not know than to risk it all?
It's like playing the lottery. Even though you have a chance at winning it big are you going to blow all your cash on tickets? Unless you're foolish, no. There are much better ways to waste your money.
__________________
Best,
S

 
Old 01-08-2011, 06:54 AM   #7
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AThena53 HB UserAThena53 HB User
Re: Why am I still inlove with my abusive ex boyfriend?

Do NOT go back to him. Ever. I stayed married way too long to a man who was alcoholic and verbally abusive. I thought I could handle it. It's never the weaklings who stick with these guys- it's the strong, intelligent women like you. "Crazy in love" is never a good thing. (I would have used the same phrase when I met my Ex.)

If you need counseling to stay away from him, get it. Pray for him if you're so inclined. Maybe he will change, but let some other woman test that out. There are good men out there- I know, I married one at the age of 50. I will never know what damage my first marriage did to my brain and how much it slowed down my career, but my mother says I'm a differemt person now that I'm married to a supportive man. My son would never be the wonderful young man he is now if it weren't for my current DH's role in his life. I got out of that marriage just in time.

Your ex-BF sounds like a real mess- his self-destructive behavior is sad. But his problems are serious. You can't fix him and if you try, you'll just get dragged into the mess. Please get up and move on with your life, and get whatever support you need to do it.

 
Old 01-20-2011, 02:12 PM   #8
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Jerseyman HB User
Re: Why am I still inlove with my abusive ex boyfriend?

Don't go anywhere near this guy. He sounds like a perverted weirdo. You were 15 and he was 20? That would be like me dating a 16 year old. Please do not take offense to this, but I think you are just too young to be diving into commited relationships. You cannot have "inspiring conversations" on MSN. They occur in person, or at least on the phone.

I don't think he ever loved you. In fact, I don't think you ever loved him, and that's okay. I've known a lot of people like the person you've described. He's phyched your naive young mind into thinking he loves you, and that you were meant for each other, when in reality he's just a disturbed person who wants a 15-year-old girlfriend. Seriously don't fall for his nonsense. Don't get dragged back down into his world where people think it's cool to mutilate themselves and dress like their emo band idols. Focus on yourself right now. Focus on school and move on with your life.

 
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