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Old 01-16-2011, 11:32 PM   #1
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rocksoutforchee HB User
Need help, can anyone relate? childhood sexual abuse/ repressed memories...

I recently talked with my older half sister (by five years) about how I've wondered for five years if I was sexually abused by our father...

<removed inappropriate details>

I remember in my very early years being terrified at night to leave my room to use the bathroom. I

I have always seen my dad as a schizotypal personality. I started self harming regularly at age 12. Once I became an adult I acted on many sexual compulsions.. with strangers, friends, anyone. I have always been seeking intimate relationships. I found myself in two abusive/controlling marriages that resulted in divorce.

I am doing ok now, on wellbutrin and klonopin, and that helps...
I feel the need to confront my father, mostly for my daughter's sake.
I have memories of being uncomfortable, but a lot of my childhood memories are missing, I grew up in a very disfunctional and neglectful household like I'm sure many of you have.

I am just wondering, am I crazy to think these things? I have touched base with my therapist on this and plan to consult her next week about confronting my father. I figure that's the only way I'll ever have any idea.

My mother apparently blocked out any horrible things she or my father ever did to me growing up. She can't even remember the time she witnessed my father physically assault me when I was 15, and then she took away all the phones in the house so I couldn't call the police.

Does anyone have any advice/insight/experiences that could possibly help me right now? I'm not looking for answers or solutions, just support from those who may have gone through similar things. thanks much.

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Old 01-17-2011, 04:40 PM   #2
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jennybyc HB Userjennybyc HB Userjennybyc HB User
Re: Need help, can anyone relate? childhood sexual abuse/ repressed memories...

I suggest that you don't confront him. He will deny everything and then what will you do? Do you really think he will come clean and admit to it and then beg your forgiveness....not a chance. Abusers don't change...they just keep abusing until they die.

Sexual abuse was multi-generational in the women of my mother's family. My grandmother was actively molesting at age 75. 75!

Confrontation does nothing but get you more abused. You need to remember on your own with the help of a therapist. He will not help you remember or help you heal but do the exact opposite and set you back years and years.

As one who did confront a member of my family, I made this mistake and would never, ever suggest anyone do it. It will not get you what you want and may very well make you 10 times worse. Can you risk that?

Your responsibility is now to yourself and your daughter. Yes, grandfathers do molest. Do not let her out of your sight when she is with him. You don't have to say anything but you do have to be constantly aware.

Repressed memories will come back when you feel safe enough to remember and confronting will not make you feel safer. Keep working with a therapist and you'll get there. I did.

Do some reading on this....lots of great books. You need to understand why people do this and why you feel the way you do.


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rocksoutforchee (01-17-2011)
Old 01-20-2011, 01:15 AM   #3
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traumatised HB User
Re: Need help, can anyone relate? childhood sexual abuse/ repressed memories...

i went through something like that but it was not a family member.

it happened when i was between the age of five and six and it only resurfaced when i was 17 and i can say am still battling with my demons up until this day but am coping i think.

Old 01-20-2011, 04:16 PM   #4
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MrBurton HB User
Re: Need help, can anyone relate? childhood sexual abuse/ repressed memories...

So sorry to her that... We often block those things from our mind... I can't remember what I saw when I hurt myself... but the scars are there.. I can remember molestation... that puts you in an odd corner while growing up... I always felt "weird" and out of place.

Now, I guess I am kind of a shut-in. Don't trust a whole lot of people and it is difficult to bond with people... always feel I have to give up more than I should to feel accepted.

Talking works, confrontation.... don't know.... every time I mention it to my family what happened to me, it is like they forgot about it... I remind them and they usually don't say much except that I am sorry that happened to you... maybe if I could talk to the next door neighbor who did it... the only thing it would solve is understanding the "why". If you want to know why, then I would confront your parents... if you don't want to know why then make your own decision on how to fix it for yourself.... there are some social skills I think that victims are missing... but then maybe that is just me.

Old 01-21-2011, 10:40 AM   #5
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jennybyc HB Userjennybyc HB Userjennybyc HB User
Re: Need help, can anyone relate? childhood sexual abuse/ repressed memories...

The problem with asking molesters and their enablers "why" is that they don't know why.

No one wants to molest. They are sick and they don't know why they do it only that they have to. They lie to themselves as to why they do it and so they will lie to you too. They don't know their own truth.

And it's the same for the enablers. They lie to themselves too in order to keep some kind of relationship and dependency with this person. It is about as dysfunctional a relationship as there is.

That is why confrontation never works. They can't tell you why so they will lie. It serves no positive purpose. It would take years and years of therapy for your molester to know why they did it, if ever. It is considered a mental illness and is one of the most resistant to treatment. The relapse rate after treatment is the highest of all the sexual disorders.

If you want answers, find them in therapy. A therapist can tell you why they did it. And only you can figure out how to go on afterwards.

Just know you did nothing wrong and that the illness of the molester has nothing to do with you. You are a victim and survivor.

gentle hugs..............Jenny

Old 01-22-2011, 04:02 PM   #6
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sweatybetty HB User
Re: Need help, can anyone relate? childhood sexual abuse/ repressed memories...

I agree with most of what's been said. I was sexually abused at 10 years old by a family friend but didn't understand it until I was 17 when memories came flooding back.

I was also physically abused by my mother (over a period of about 6 years) who was horrified this had happened and that she had absolutely no knowledge of it when I confronted her about it 27 years later. (She disappeared when I was 14 and got back in touch when I was 38 - I didn't confront her for a further 3 years.) She did some bizarre things, looking back, so I'm pretty convinced it was her mental fragility that made her do these things. We spoke about it a fair bit - until she got bored hearing about it (I'd stored it up that long - it was a huge part of who I was) and told me that she'd "already apologised, and what more could" she do? All I wanted was for her to listen.

I also agree that while confrontation might be helpful, it could also be more hurtful to you. If you think that abusers can't be mentally 100%, then they might well not think they've done anything wrong or even completely deny it to make out it's you and not them or just play it down as if it's not important. If you're prepared that you might not hear what you want to hear, and it's something that you really want to do, then go for it, you owe it to yourself. Remember though, it's not your fault, it's always the adult who's to blame, not the child.

I'm just glad I got to confront my mum before she died 15 months ago, negatives aside, I didn't hear what I thought I needed to hear, but I found out the truth according to her. It helped me put a few pieces of the puzzle together and understanding more about mental health issues has also helped me put a few more things into perspective. Making peace with this is the best you can hope for, you'll still get bugged by it from time to time but looking at things from different angles has helped me come to terms with things a little more.

Old 01-23-2011, 04:01 PM   #7
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hwiser09 HB User
Re: Need help, can anyone relate? childhood sexual abuse/ repressed memories...

That is really difficult thing to cope but confrontation will not really help at all.He will for sure deny those things. I guess the best thing to do is to accept it, and maybe stay away from him.

Old 01-25-2011, 10:32 AM   #8
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jennybyc HB Userjennybyc HB Userjennybyc HB User
Re: Need help, can anyone relate? childhood sexual abuse/ repressed memories...

Hi Sweatybetty(like that name).

Having been both sexually and physically abused, I do think that confronting a physical abuser is different from confronting a sexual abuser. Physical abuse has to do with the anger control of the abuser. In sexual abuse, often the only gratification a molester can get is from having sex with a child. They are unable to climax with an adult or feel a real orgasm. It is physical, not just mental. So then they lie to themselves as to why they have to do this to a child.

Many of the priests who molested, told themselves that if they became a priest, then obviously God must approve of what they are doing or God would have stopped them from becoming a priest. Very convoluted logic. And that is pretty much what they do; develop a very twisted web of logicto justify molesting. They have to find some way to explain to themselves why they can't climax with an adult and only with a child.

But a mom who abuses is a mom with major problems with anger management. It can be equally strange with self-lies but it's not like they can only get angry with a child.

I'm glad you got to confront her and hear her explanation, however lame. Wish I had been able to with my mom but she died before I ever remembered.

best wishes and gentle hugs................Jenny

Old 06-16-2011, 04:22 PM   #9
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lexiixxlou HB User
Re: Need help, can anyone relate? childhood sexual abuse/ repressed memories...

It is very common to not remember and block things out, it also takes a very long time to come to terms with it once those flashbacks start usually as dreams then sometimes while your having sex they creep up on you. If you confront your father or your mother it seems like they have blocked it out to and the best thing to do is leave it alone as long as you yourself can accept it and deal with the results.

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