I am new to all of this so please stay with me. I have been diagnosed with anxiety,depression, and insomnia in the past. I currently can't afford to go to therapy due to my unemployment, so I was hoping you guys might be able to help. I am twenty-three, and have been physically and emotionally abused.
Over the years I have been enrolled in many colleges, and I have had numerous jobs. I work hard and get A's or get offered promotions, and then I quit school or my job. As a child I would quit everything mid-way too. Now, due to my self-destruction I have a hard time leaving my house or applying for jobs, afraid of being judged. This has been on and off for a few years now, and I am completely dependent on my fiance. At first I thought it was just depression, and I had a hard time remembering anything about my childhood.
As I was in therapy I realized all of the things that had happened to me. My therapist told me I never had to see any of them again, but for some reason I love them so much. Everyday I have an inner battle about these emotions. Then, my therapist recommended that I confront them about my past. I confronted some of my family members, my brothers apologized and my mother gave me validation. The apologies seemed insincere and the validation did not help at all. I thought it was supposed to help, but it just seemed to make things worse.
They act as if I am crazy. When I was ten I told my parents my eldest brother had raped me. Then they called him into the room and asked him and he said no and that was that. Then I thought I was going insane.My older brother would beat me up,threaten to kill me,and verbally abuse me on a day to day basis. This happened for thirteen years. When I told my parents they said I was being over dramatic and told me to leave them alone.
I prayed for God to get me out of that house, and I did. I can't seem to function in society and I keep going back to them. Four years ago I couldn't stay at that house for more than five minutes. Now, I go and spend the night there on holidays. I told my mother I was tired of everyone pretending everyone was fine, she said I was the only one in the family pretending. My mother was abused as a child, so I have difficulty talking with her. She acts like nothing ever happened and she chooses not to remember anything that happened to us.
I would like to cut off all ties with my family,but there is a part of me that can't. The whole blood is thicker than water thing, there are just so many expectations. I do not want my past to control me anymore. What should I do? What did you guys do in order to move on?
The following 2 users give hugs of support to: munkey2419 plodnet123 (02-07-2011), unhappyhobo (01-31-2011)
I was sexually abused by my brother as well, but not to the extent you were. My father was a mean alcoholic and my mother was passive. I also had an uncle who sexually abused me.
I see that you are a strong, smart person from the grades and promotions you got. I feel this way. Those people stole enough from you - don't let them steal your whole life. You can make the decision today to say "I'm going to start living life for me." Don't keep reflecting on the past. Use that to show you survived and are a strong and worthy person.
If you feel you can't let go of your family, you will have to change the way you relate to them. Do not discuss any of this with them anymore. You know how it turns out. If that doesn't work, don't put yourself in the position to have to deal with their mental disturbances anymore.
You can have a great life. Finish your college degree, marry that fiance, and take that promotion. Yes, you have had unthinkable things happen to you, but don't let it rob you of YOU.
Good luck hon.
If you open the door even a little bit - the devil will fling it open. Keep it closed with prayer.
Munkey....you are intelligent...go get some books and workbooks on PTSD and learn. This is what you really have...post traumatic stress disorder.
Many with PTSD learn to help themselves as trust is something we don't have and is so necessary for therapy so sometimes, it's easier to do it yourself. Once you understand why some sweep it all under the rug, some form relationships with their abusers(Stockholm Syndrome), and most have really twisted up emotions, you'll understand your family. They are classic for the abusive family.
You are doing what just about every PTSD survivor does...isolating yourself. One of the most common symptoms. We isolate because the only person we really trust is ourself.
When you get insurance, see a therapist who specializes in helping people with PTSD....it really does need someone who is specifically trained. They can teach you grounding techniques and relaxation techniques to help when the anxiety gets bad. If you want to do something now, yoga and meditation are great for the stress of PTSD.
You aren't crazy.....you just grew up in a crazy family and now those coping skills you used to live through that, don't work with the rest of the world.
Please check out some of the great books and workbooks for PTSD and start helping yourself until you can afford to get outside help with this.
Thank you guys so much, your words and kindness help more than you know. I will do research on PTSD, it is hard to accept these things. You guys are right though,it is my life and I have a choice on how to live the present and future. Thank you Jenny and Sawbuck, you have given me some hope!