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Old 02-22-2011, 09:33 PM   #1
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I'm confused and I need help!

My husband and I have been married now for 7 years. In the beginning it was awesome. He was so sweet and understanding, he was everything I could ever want.

But during my first pregnancy, things really started to change. He became very withdrawn, hardly talked to me and it just kept getting worse. Finally he came to counseling with me a few times and he told me I was unattractive because I gained weight. I spent the rest of the day crying. When he came home from work, he was so reassuring and said he never wanted to lose me.

Things got a little better. I lost about 30 pounds and it seemed like things were back to normal. But then we had some financial problems and he started losing his temper over the littlest things. Screaming and throwing things. One time he got so mad, he punched our clock off the wall and glass shattered everywhere. The kids were there and he really could have hurt them.

That xmas my cousin was getting married and she paid for all of us to go to her wedding. So we were ther efor a week. He walked around with a huge chip on his shoulder and got mad when friends of my cousin started talking to me. I was in my cousins wedding and he actually walked out of the wedding leaving me there. The whole trip was miserable.

Last xmas, my daughter from another marriage had to have surgery in a hospital that was 200 miles away and her biological dad was there as well. The whole time I was up there with her, he did nothing but text me and accuse me of wanting to get back together with my ex. And then on the last few days I was there, he spent the whole time telling me how horrible he was and that he doesnt know how I put up with him.

Now he has severly punished our dog twice within the last 3 months. He kicked her punched her and threw her across the floor. She now pees whenever you tell her no.

I have had enough. I have talked to him several times about getting help for his anger and it nevers seems to sink in. I'm not sure what to do. Do people like him ever change? Is this abusive? I'm considering leaving, but I'm still so confused!

Thanks!

 
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Old 02-23-2011, 06:37 AM   #2
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Re: I'm confused and I need help!

Melly, I'm sorry to hear you're going through this. I cried when I read what he's done to your dog. Anyone who can hurt an animal (esp in that way, and TWICE) is very capable of doing that to a human. It is not a question of "will he" it is a question of "when". If he is not willing to seek help then it is definitely a lost cause. It is only a matter of time before he does what he did to the dog to you and your children.

I have heard so many women saying they stay with a man for the children, for this, for that, etc. I have myself been in love with a dangerous man who I thought could change and I didn't want to blame myself for "abandonning him", etc. I am glad I am not in that place anymore.

1) you will get over him.
2) these men don't change (esp when they won't even seek help, it's usually because they know they will be diagnosed with a pathological disorder).
3) it is not in the best interests of children to have a father around when they are dangerous (in any way, including emotionally, mentally, physically abusive).

My dad almost killed my mother when I was very small. She was pregnant with my brother and by punching and kicking her repeatedly the placenta split. She went into labour at 20 weeks and was medicated to prevent this for a further 14 weeks.

My brother is fine now; a little skinny with underdeveloped lungs, but he's ok. And my dad? Oh the minute my mum could safely divorce him she did (he conveniently went to jail!). I can assure you, although I have problems that I recognise from being the child of such an angry violent man, having experienced it and all, I am much better off because he was removed at an earlier stage in my life - and I know this. So are my siblings and certainly my mum.

It sounds to me it could be that your husband grew jealous of your child "inside you" rather than it to do with weight gain (but blamed this, because he knows it's ridiculous, and that's a contributing factor for why he won't seek professional help: fear that truth will be discovered). It sounds like he has managed to convince you that HIS behaviour is caused by you gaining weight (so it's your fault?!), and for financial problems, etc. These things do not make a healthy individual act in the way you have described him to act, beating up dogs, smashing up the place before small children, etc.

Also, this might not be it but if your husband is competitive with your daughter from a previous marriage? This also points to serious problems, symptoms being severe jealousy and possessiveness. Do you find it difficult to go somewhere, anywhere, without being text or called by him like he's checking up on you?

When my dad came out of jail he had very little contact with his children other than trying to use us to get back with my mum. I was 8 when I saw him last (in my childhood). He found that my mum had moved on, he couldn't intimidate her anymore, and his interest in his kids was nothing without her. Twenty years on he turned up in my life and it proved he had not changed, and never could. I served my conscience and did my best to be forgiving and give him the chance he begged for (a chance i hope he deserved, against my mums advice). It was a fraud and I cannot blame myself for not giving him a chance - but never again. He still just wanted to get back with my mum! I will never see him again in my life. But it wasn't easy to let go of him, my own dad, who I did love as a child. Someone who was "meant" to love me - but is incapable.

Quitting a man is like quitting smoking, you can't do it until you really want to, no matter how ill it makes you, no matter how you say you will try and try again, how enough is enough. You have to want what's best for yourself and your children. You have to want to, and if you still can't, then ask yourself, "why don't I want what's best for me and my children?". My advice to you is to get ready to leave him, a state of mind, and make the decision that it is for good. You'll grieve, it will hurt, but you will eventually feel indifference for him, and you will look back in a couple of years time and say "why did i put up with that. Why did I allow him to scare/hurt me and the children?".

Alternatively you can waste more years convincing yourself he will change and in that time you risk yourself and your kids. Please take some time (not too long!) to gather your strength to quit him. Please seek advice on doing this - don't just up and run, it is dangerous to do that, he's unstable - get support / women's shelters / whatever you need. Get yourself in a safe position and don't listen to the endless pleas from him to come back (because he doesn't have a punchbag - even an emotional one - to use when you're not around!).

I suggested to someone else on here a fantastic book I just finished reading called How To Spot A Dangerous Man Before You Get Involved by Sandra Brown. It will help you see what he is, how you ended up with him and how to avoid men like him in the future. Best of luck to you and your little ones!

 
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Old 02-23-2011, 03:09 PM   #3
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Re: I'm confused and I need help!

Honestly....
I think you should get out while you can.
If he is punching the dog it won't be long before he starts punching you and the kids.

You and the kids need to get out NOW! and take the dog as well.

Good luck.

 
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Old 02-26-2011, 08:17 AM   #4
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Re: I'm confused and I need help!

Wow, I so agree with the above posters, he is totally out of control. People like him only get worse as time goes on, so unless he is willing to seek professional help he will get worse.

After abusing the dog, which sounds to me like he is a bully and picks on someone who can't fight back, I'd pack it up. Don't wish to scare you but you read and see on the news people like this going balistic and hurting people.

Hopefully you have relatives or good friends you can depend on and maybe stay with. It won't be easy making the change but it just might save you or the children from taking a beating from him..or worse! Yes he apologizes but still does the same thing when he gets upset again, so who needs it.

Wishing you good luck...JJ....
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Old 02-26-2011, 02:35 PM   #5
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Re: I'm confused and I need help!

first look for a safe place,

please think at about how many woman and their children died because they did not have the courage to live their man forever. but please whatever you do, don't let him understand you are intentioned to leave him because that is when they become the most dangerous

 
Old 02-28-2011, 02:04 PM   #6
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Re: I'm confused and I need help!

I appreciate your responses.

I do have to say that I am the one who caused the financial problems. I spent us into bankruptcy. I know what I did was the cause of alot of stress in his life. I'm not perfect by far.

It's hard because when we get to the good cycle in our relationship, he's so great, everything is roses. But then we get to the bad cycle and I just want to be far away. Its like we have to walk on egg shells. My dad was the same way and I hated the way I felt growing up with him. And I just dont want our kids to feel that way.

 
Old 02-28-2011, 09:08 PM   #7
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Re: I'm confused and I need help!

It doesn't matter what you did the problem is your husbands anger.

Do you feel safe with him when he has these violent outbursts?
Are you sure he won't turn on you or your children?

If the answer is NO then you seriously need to leave him before it's too late.

 
Old 03-01-2011, 05:14 AM   #8
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Re: I'm confused and I need help!

We all have some sort of stress in our lives but it matters how the person handles it. If he gets violent over it then he needs help. Being mad is one thing, but getting abusive is totally different.

Have you ever been to counseling with him? If you would like the marriage to keep going then you both need to get professional help. If you feel threatened by him, for yourself or children, then you need to get out of the relationship even if for a short period of time till things get settled. As you said, you walked on eggshells as a child so I doubt you want your children to live that way. To make any marriage work..both partners need to be willing to sit and talk whether it be with each other or an outsider.

Everyone makes mistakes but that's the way we learn.

Wishing you luck...JJ....
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Old 03-01-2011, 06:15 AM   #9
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Re: I'm confused and I need help!

You should re-evaluate your issues and what you want in life otherwise you'll always have the same kind of problems.. are you afraid of being alone? Being alone is the first step into healing/loving yourself, even though it may take years ...

 
Old 03-01-2011, 12:16 PM   #10
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Re: I'm confused and I need help!

Also honey, you don't want to repeat the cycle - your kids will just learn that is normal ... and hey presto when you should be enjoying your older years, you will only be even more stressed / depressed because your kids are dysfunctional as well ... the beautiful thing about life is that you can change. No more excuses if you think about it like that it takes the situation to a way more unselfish and positive level.

If it's dangerous to leave your partner, plan a simple and effective exit in stealth mode.

 
Old 03-15-2011, 02:31 PM   #11
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Re: I'm confused and I need help!

yes this is abusive, so many aspects of it are so wrong, its not your fault any of it.
I dont know why he changed but a large percentage of domestic abuse starts in pregnancy, perhaps a man feels he is no longer as important anymore and feels threatened but this is no excuse. I had my ex tell me I was unattractive and leave me when pregnant, I felt so unloveable but I tried to make him love me to no avail, we split soon after I had our baby. I then had a few bad relationships with men who were either controlling or who cheated, I couldnt work out which was worse so I flitted from one to the other scared of being alone. I got down and low and felt like a bad mother for letting my daughter witness this. It took about 6 years to finally sort myself, I went to counselling and also took a counselling course to work helping others, I started exercising and eating well. I also made new friends and remained single even when I wanted a man to keep me company, I concentrated on myself and when people treated me bad I let them go, It wasnt easy but I became independent and found a new job, eventually I decided I was ready to meet someone. I wrote a list of all the things I wanted in a man and I decided I wouldnt settle for less. For a few months no one was good enough, I wanted kind and honest, understanding and strong. Then one night he came along and Ive never looked back, Feeling proper love and companionship is new to me. I can be myself and enjoy my life and have friends and a career without being had a go at and argued with. My partner also had a controlling abusive relationship where he was treated badly so he understands. We talk about things and when we feel insecure we reassure each other without nasty guilt trips,we have our own time with friends., we both exercise and look after ourselves and make time for fun and romance too! I know now that I am strong and if things changed I am strong enough to make it alone rather than be treated badly, I really feel happy now and my daughter still sees her dad who has changed for the better and we get on fine too. I feel so glad that I took steps to changing my life as now its worth it. Im now 32 and the past few years are all experience that has taught me, I hope this helps and that you too feel strong enough to make changes...x

 
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