19 and just starting to remember childhood sexual abuse
I am 19 years old, and about 9 months ago, my parents told me something really disturbing. Aparently when I was in 6th grade, I asked them not to let me go to my grandfather's house to spend the night anymore because I didn't like that he made me sleep in his bed with all my clothes off. When I heard this, I didn't think anything of it. But over time I've kept a journal of all the things I consider abnormal about myself. I've always had anxiety and depression. I've always had nightmares about strangers in my room. I hate being touched. Everytime I'm with a boy, I turn into this sex crazed beast. Except I'm still a virgin. I just kiss roughly and reach into his pants. Almost instantaneously. I don't mind doing things to him, but if he touches me, I feel dirty. I don't believe they want anything from me other than to use me for hooking up. Also I have no memories of any times with my grandfather and my brother has a ton.
I'm really confused. And I don't know what to think. It's effecting my sleep patterns. All I do is lay in bed and try to remember. I've gotten to where I remember the bed room, what side of the bed I was on, what I stared at while it happened. But I don't remember the act itself. I don't know if I'm making this stuff up in my head. But it's based on how I've
Always been. Not just after I found out. I don't know what to think. Was I abused? Should I talk to someone? Am I crazy?
Last edited by Administrator; 03-06-2011 at 10:05 AM.
Reason: removed specific details
The following user gives a hug of support to Kim0005: sandiemas (05-19-2011)
Re: 19 and just starting to remember childhood sexual abuse
You definately need to talk to a professional or you are going to doubt yourself maybe for life. Something could have happened but maybe you have blocked some of it out..very common. Don't let this ruin your life as you are very young and should beable to live a normal sexual lifestyle.
Seeing you feel "dirty" when with a boy must be bringing back some kind of surpressed memories. For your sake seek some help so you can get on with your life. Right now it sounds like your trying to remember and it is wrecking you, which can lead to emotional as well as physical problems.
Best of wishes....JJ....
__________________
When you come to the end of your rope..tie a knot and hang on!
Re: 19 and just starting to remember childhood sexual abuse
If you can, please find and see a therapist who deals with sexual abuse and PTSD(post traumatic stress disorder). Your anxiety and nightmares may be signs that are developing this.
Not remembering is very, very common. You won't remember the rest until you feel very safe.
Abuse makes us feel very unsafe inside, because we have been violated. You need to find a safe person to talk with who can help you through remembering and processing those memories so you can put it behind you.
It's a scary thing to think that you were abused but you have company....a lot of it. It's become way too common. And it can be dealt with and put behind you. I know....I have.
Re: 19 and just starting to remember childhood sexual abuse
Hi, I really, really.really identify with everything you've said. I never told anyone till I was 18 (I'm only 20 now), till that point I just kind of 'forgot' about it, it was almost like it happened to someone else. I could only remenber silly things like the way the light came through the curtains. Then within a month of remenbering I started having flashbacks, and remenbering things that I don't think anyone should ever remenber and ultimately feeling really lost. I carried on having sex with my boyfriend and that everything was normal, but I started self harming as a way to control my feelings and to make all the bad things in my head go away. Eventually, on the advice of my uni I started seeing a councilor and even though I couldn't remenber things we worked really slowly through things and it has slowly improved.
Now I do remenber more, but still am remenbering things. I think the best way to handle this is to talk to someone you can trust, if you don't know anyone then a doctor, a teacher just someone and get help. I wish I could say its a magic thing and after your first session everything will be okay, but it WILL be on the way- the road to recovery!
PS your not making it up, don't doubt yourself, because that is what he'd want you to do!
Re: 19 and just starting to remember childhood sexual abuse
I am so sorry to hear of your story.
I would definatly consider getting some counseling if not the traditional then find a friend to confide in or a family member you can trust. You need to work through this if you want to move on and not let it consume you and it will quickly. Please find someone you can talk to.
