jennybyc

Let me answer you from a different view point. I was horribly abused as a child, including fractures that were never fixed and other forms of abuse. My siblings actually participated in the abuse sometimes. They all hold terrible guilt.

But I have no anger toward them and have told them all that I love them very much and that they weren't responsible, even when they joined in. Our parents were responsible, not them. They too had been abused and they were simply doing what they had been taught.

With that said, I bet your brother does not hold you responsible at all so you shouldn't feel guilty. Guilt implies that you somehow had the intent of hurting him yourself or were somehow, responsible. And you were neither.

Go to your brother and tell him how guilty you feel for even watching his abuse and I bet he'll tell you that you had nothing to do with it. Then forgive yourself and try to find some peace. Get some therapy if you need to.

And going to your father will not help either as abusers often don't even remember the abuse they doled out and so they deny it. Part of their system of self-protection that makes it so they can do the awful things they do. He is sick too.

Abuse hurts more than the victim but you can learn and go on. I have found it helps to reach out and help others who were abused to give back in some way. Try volunteering at a children's hospital or facility for abused kids.

gentle hugs............Jenny