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Old 04-26-2011, 12:24 PM   #1
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I'm afraid he'll hurt me when I leave......

I have been with my husband for almost 5 years. Married for 3. When I was pregnant with our baby (within the 1st year of our marriage) I learned that my husband was addicted to pornography, he was and still is a substance abuser, he's verbally abusive, emotionally abusive, and though he has never hit me, he has grabbed me by my throat and threw me on the ground. Last June we got in a huge fight and after an hour of verbal and emotional abuse, he said something and I finally slapped him across the face. I moved out that weekend.

A couple of month later, my daughter and step son were texting each other and my step-son proceeded to tell my daughter (he was in the house when we were fighting, we were outside). Anyway, he starting telling my daughter that I had drank 3 bottles of vodka, threw KNIVES, and threw my husband on the ground and was punching him (ALL LIES) My step son was 10 at the time, and knowing that he did not even see us urguing, that he did not come up with this on his own. I confronted my husband and he said that he did tell my step-son this stuff, but only because he thought we were over. I have since moved back into the house and anytime I'm around his family, they completely ignore me. They all hate me and I'm uncomfortable.

About a month ago, his dad, having complete knowledge of my husbands long time addiction to prescription medication, gave him Oxycontin. I had gone to his dad awhile ago when the addictions were ruining our marriage, to seek help from a trusted relative. Now he's giving him oxycontin. I WAS LIVID. I told his dad exactly how I felt about it, and him. my husband does not take any responsibility for his family hating me. I have NO family here, and since I met him, I've NO friends because if I continued to hang around them he thought I was doing something wrong.

I am now isolated, broken, lost all self worth, and feel like I have nobody on my side. He always takes his families side, and they take his. I'm his wife. I have threatened to leave before, so I think when I told him last night I wanted a divorce, he doesn't think I'm serious. I'm afraid when I do leave, he is going to do something. He has always talked about how good it would feel to kill someone, he has threatened to kill me, and he has 3 guns in the house.

Our son is going to be 2 next month. When my husband and I were apart our son did not handle the change very well, which is the main reason I went back. Someone, please help me. Tell me I'm not crazy. Let me also say I did not find out who my husband REALLY was until I found the porn and pills AFTER we were married. I have completely been deceived and I stuggle with divorce because I am a Christian and I do not believe in divorce but I cannot continue to feel like I am living with the enemy.

 
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Old 04-27-2011, 03:22 PM   #2
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Re: I'm afraid he'll hurt me when I leave......

Hello,

I want to let you know that you are NOT crazy! What is crazy is how his dad is feeding his addiction! I can't imagine doing that as a parent. I understand that u are scared and you think he might hurt you but I have to get out of this situation. You are hurting yourself and your son by staying in this relationship. I was in an abusive relationship with my sons father when I was really young. I made the painful decision of leaving and although it killed me (because I still loved him) and I went through a lot of hard times as a single mother. It was all worth it at the end. I now have someone who loves me and my son and treats me well. He has moved on and abuses his new girlfriend and has gotten worse. People like that only get worse as time goes on. Unless he sees that he has a problem and wants to change for himself he will be the same and will get worse. My advise to u is to leave and try to create a better life for u and your son.

 
Old 04-27-2011, 07:08 PM   #3
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Re: I'm afraid he'll hurt me when I leave......

I'm glad you realize the time has come for you to move on move out and build a nice life for you and your son. You both deserve so much better..
Are there any womens shelters in your area or surrounding towns? If you have no family to go to or friends this would be the best move for you.
You have family that does not live near you? Would they be able to give you the support to escape this man and life and help you get started over new? If distance is the problem could they help you with money to get home to them?
If yes then that is the best you need a good support system to help you get through this major life change. If not then a battered womens shelter has the resources to help contact one and see what they offer for help.
Sounds like you need to get your ducks all in a row for the move. And then plan on moving out when your husband is not home and does not suspect you are leaving. Its the safest way for you to leave.. Good luck

 
Old 04-29-2011, 10:54 AM   #4
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Re: I'm afraid he'll hurt me when I leave......

I have dealt with almost the same situation except I wasn't married (was engaged tho), Had a 3 year old son when I broke free. I know that you are scared, but you need to get out now, before he does hurt you.

 
Old 08-22-2011, 05:04 PM   #5
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Re: I'm afraid he'll hurt me when I leave......

I just wanted to send a message with an update. I moved out of the house July 15 and got my own place. My husband went into an inpatient facility for psycological problems and to address his substance abuse. He was there about 10 days, then attended an IOP program. He was attending AA and NA meetings. I moved out within days of him leaving inpatient and although I tried to talk to him about my plan of leaving, he acted like he understood, pretty much disregarded what I said, until I actually moved.

Then he became very angry, quit all treatment that he was doing, and I believe he is now back on the pills, possible infidelity, and back to square one if not further behind with his lies and betrayel. I guess I thought that maybe he would be on board with my moving into my own place while we both got help. I need counseling myself, and he needs to get himself well. I thought it would be easier on both of us if we did this while living seperate. Well, it hasn't worked as I had hoped. He does occasionally make threats. Not necessarily to kill me, he said that would be to easy on me, that he will make me suffer inconceivably emotionally for the rest of my life if I divorce him. I am attending church regularly and I do have support from my church family and some friends, however I am still torn, hoping that he will one day be the man I thought he was, in marriage I thought I would have.

In the meantime, I am starting to take care of myself, not allow him to control or manipulate me, and the more I stand up for myself the more angry he gets. I have done a little research, and I am convinced that he is a sociopath. Every single trait listed, and all symptoms describe my husband. To the "T". Even things I didn't realize were going on until I read them. Figures. Just my luck. If anyone has any words of wisdom or encouragement, I'm all ears.

 
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Old 08-23-2011, 08:29 AM   #6
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Re: I'm afraid he'll hurt me when I leave......

Hello jilas0127,

Counseling for yourself should benefit you tremendously and if he doesn't want to address his behavioral patterns of destruction,then it seems(regrettably)that you will have to leave him to find his own path.

If he is a sociopath,you may want to document and/or record his threats,while alerting the police to this and his pattern of erratic behavior.

This is meant to protect you.

Respectfully
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Old 08-26-2011, 01:11 AM   #7
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Re: I'm afraid he'll hurt me when I leave......

Jilas, I think you need to take a step back and look at this situation for what it is. You say that you hold out hope that your husband will someday, somehow go back to being the man you married....the man you married was a pill popping, porn addict. What is there to go back to? You've admitted that he was doing these things when you got married, although you found out about them a little later.

If not for anyone else, you need to think about your son, and what it would mean for him to have to grow up in a home with a man like that influencing him and teaching him "his" way of being a man.

If you go back to this man, then you are basically saying, it's okay, you can do what you want and i'll still be around.....is that really the message you want to teach your child, that no matter what someone does or how badly they treat you, you should hang around and take it?

I think that seeing a counselor for yourself would be one of the first steps to make, the next step would be to file a restraining order against this man, so that there is some legal record of his threats and violence. Lastly, you need to file for your divorce, get it and not look back. It is not your responsibility to "save" your husband, he was like this long before you came along and probably will be like this the rest of his life. You and your child do not need to be part of that life. Once again, if not for your own safety's sake, please think of your child.

I sincerely hope that you come to the realization that this is not a situation you can fix and that you need to get your child as far away from that environment as you possibly can.

kat

 
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Old 09-02-2011, 12:17 PM   #8
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Re: I'm afraid he'll hurt me when I leave......

I really appreciate your response, and you are absolutely right. Since I have refused to allow him to control me he has just become more angry. I haven't filed for divorce "yet". I do believe that the Lord can do anything, and if my husband will allow and stick with his new committment to get help and with Christ, he CAN change. That's what being a "new creature" in Christ is all about. BUT, that said, I have told my husband that we need to seek help seperately without contact right now. I will gage his progress slowly and just sit back and observe for now. If I do not see a significant change (him just being civil for more than 1 day would be a SMALL step forward) in the next year or so..... I will file. In the meantime, I will take this next year to heal myself, through God's grace and mercy, through counseling and taking better care of myself. I'm confident we will both realize we are happier without each other. Thank you for your advise!

 
Old 09-04-2011, 09:22 PM   #9
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Re: I'm afraid he'll hurt me when I leave......

Jilas,

Was just thinking about you when I saw your name on a post, If you're still on the Boards I'd like to hear what you decided to do and if your okay? I really hope you and your son are okay.

take care and stay safe,

kat

 
Old 09-15-2011, 02:51 PM   #10
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Re: I'm afraid he'll hurt me when I leave......

You are not alone. It is a difficult situation but in the end you have to do what is right for you and your son

 
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