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Old 05-04-2011, 10:33 PM   #1
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What do I do?

My husband and I have been together for years and this has never happened.
I was upset with him because he came home 3 hours late from a game night with some friends, and we rarely get to spend time together because we work at different times (I work and come home and then he usually leaves to GO to work.) and tonight was a rare night that we could spend together. Let me say this- I was FINE with him hanging out with friends tonight, but then it just kept getting later and later so I got upset. He got home, spent 20 minutes with me and then went to play video games. Which made me angry. Downright angry.

I went to go talk to him about how I felt, which he just got mad and instead of talking to me he just kept saying 'Okay, whatever' and played his video game. I turned off the computer because I wanted him to listen to me, and noticed he was continuing to drink beer (he'd been drinking some that evening- he wasn't drunk when he came home but I don't know how many he'd had.).I asked him if he thought he'd had enough beer and he grabbed the beer and said no. I tried to take the beer from him. He wouldn't let go. So he got more angry. He tried to turn on the computer, and I told him I wanted to talk but he just shut down pretty much to me. I pushed his hand away from the computer a few times (not hard) and he grabbed by arm. HARD. Hard enough to leave marks. He wouldn't let go of my arm.
This is when it gets bad.
I slapped him. We both got physical. Then he started screaming about something like how I thought I was so good and if I thought I could make it on my own since I have a good job and a college degree. How he'd just leave and all this other stuff.

He couldn't find his car keys, so he just locked himself in the bedroom. He comes out like 20 minutes later and I go to take out my contacts, and while I'm doing that he comes in and I told him that what he just did to me was abusive and awful and he just tells me its my own fault because I slapped him, so I technically hit him first.

We have been together for years, have lived together for years before that, and have been married almost a year. He has never exhibited signs that an abuser would, he has never threatened me verbally or physically. Nothing. We do occasionally get into heated arguments, but nothing like tonight. I was honestly scared he was going to hurt me badly during the situation.

Do I leave him? Do I tell him to get anger management? Do we go to marriage counseling? I don't know. My mother was abused by her ex husband, and I always thought that because I saw that as a small child, I would just leave if someone ever hit me. Ever abused me. Period. But I was lucky (so far) that it had never happened to me.

That makes the decision harder. Do I stay with a friend tonight? Leave for work extra early so I won't see him at all?
I'm so freaked out and stressed out. I don't know what to do. Do I call the police and have them do a report? I'm embarrassed to do that because I work for the local government and know so many police officers here. I know that word would get around at work. And I don't know whether or not the state I live in would automatically arrest him for DV or anything, or if I would be able to say not to press charges.
So many things I've read say to leave him, but do I really leave my husband after 10 pretty good years together? Throw that all away?

Last edited by Administrator; 05-26-2011 at 12:20 AM. Reason: removed identifying details

 
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Old 05-05-2011, 01:48 PM   #2
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Re: What do I do?

What you do, is you go to see a marriage counselor/couples therapist. Both of you were wrong as far as I'm concerned.

Many couples have trouble in the first 10 years. If you want to stay with him, work at it. Marriage takes work...lots of it. I came close to leaving my husband at 5 years, and 10 years...we had no support from his family and I had no family so we were at a loss. Couples therapy saved us then and we have used it several times since then. We both came from alcoholic families.

So find a couples therapist and go by yourself if he won't go. Earn your way out of the marriage or work your way back in. Hopefully he will join you in therapy. But it takes work.

Jenny(married 36 years and counting)

 
Old 05-08-2011, 12:37 PM   #3
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Re: What do I do?

I was also going to suggest marraige counseling. If this fight went on any longet someboy would have been seriously hurt.In this case if the police got invoved both of you might have been taken to jail.

PLease be careful , becaue I have heard that a man who hurts his wife can or does continue to esclate into further violence. Being married 10 years is wonderful. this sounds like a communication breakdown , and your husbana did not want to talk to you, but was pused into it, and got angry. He still should have never laid his hands on you ever. i hope that with then the drinking wears off he will apoligise to you. Then that would be sayingthat he did admit wrongdoing,and he feels bad about the way he behaved.

 
Old 05-09-2011, 12:15 AM   #4
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Join Date: May 2011
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Re: What do I do?

Hey hun, sorry to hear that your hubby is being a jerk. =< I've seen this situation a lot in my time. In the end, the decision of calling the police rests with -you- and you alone. However, for tonight I'd suggest going to friends and let him get over his drunkedness. Then, I would try to find someway to sneak home early to talk to him. Try keeping a cell phone on you at all times and try talking it out. He will probably apologize. You should accept it, but also state that you did not like the way he treated you and i would also suggest fallowing this up by asking if he would go to counseling with you.

Sad to say, but most couples need counseling about 10 + years. Also it seems like you both seem to have your own individual problems with the relationship as seen with his obviously feeling inadequate due to the fact he brought up you having a college degree. This is also a typical in marriages. The counselor will probably suggest ways for him to begin feeling better.

However, getting back to you because you are the main thing here, if you call the cops tonight it might just make him even more angry. I suggest doing as I've already said and if he doesn't agree to the counseling tomorrow (which most guys wont at first) then I suggest saying something to the effect of "well until you do i will be staying with (insert name here)." Also reinforce to him how scared you felt and show him the marks he left on your arm. Alcohol messes with our frontal lobe meaning our inhibition goes buh bie. He probably didn't honestly realize how hard he was grabbing you. That, of course, is no excuse, but that is probably the reason to his jerkyness. Once he sees them I bet he'll be more willing to listen to you when he's sober...

Hope everything goes well!!! <3

P.S. sorry for the wall of text xD

 
Old 05-12-2011, 07:21 AM   #5
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: brooklyn, New York, USA
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hubbyblamer HB User
Re: What do I do?

LEAVE AND LEAVE FAST!! even tho you hit him first if you did it cause he wouldnt let go of your arm then HE is gonna get worse... RUN and FAST...

 
Old 05-25-2011, 01:03 PM   #6
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Jaby HB UserJaby HB User
Re: What do I do?

Doesnt sound like a healthy relationship. Its never good if alcohol is involved at all, and it sounds like both of you were in the wrong there...

Physical or emotional violence is never the answer There is arguing and then there is downright abuse.

I would suggest marriage counselling, work out where you are both wanting to go in life and where you want your relationship to go and if you are heading in different directions, then either decide to walk away or get back on track.

Good luck - only you and your hubby know where you are at with your relationship.

Sometimes blowups happen for a reason and people get over them and get on with things, and other times they are a sign that its time to call it quits....

 
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