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Old 05-14-2011, 01:35 AM   #1
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Skey HB User
Unhappy So Confused and Afraid

Hello, I could really use some advice from someone that has been in my shoes. I will try to keep it short. I have been married to the same guy for many years, however, we were separated for most of those years due to his drugs use and abusive nature. Afterthat I decided to give it another try. He assured me that he was clean and wanted his family back. He wasn't clean. He was still on drugs and drinking as much as he was when I left. I decided to try to help him and work it out this time around. He tried to clean up but would relapse at least once every 6 months or so, we have been back together for several years now.

I realize now that this wasn't a relapse but the times that I knew of him doing drugs and confronted him. Each time this would happen we would end up in a terrible fight, usually resulting in him physically or emotionally abusing me. Each time this has happened it seems to get worse. Once I ended up with bruises covering me from chest to feet, including my breasts pinched to the point that held huge bruises. In between hitting me, he would choke me until I was close to passing out before he would start again. Thankfully my three boys were not home at the time. Unfortunately, the last time they were.

It was in the middle of the night and my husband had fallen asleep at the computer. I woke and tried to get him to bed. After several hours, he woke and stood up. I sat down in the seat and saw a needle hidden under the computer keyboard. I told him that I had found it. He wanted to argue and I asked him repeatedly to please just go to bed and we would talk about it after he had some rest. In the end, his screaming at me woke my boys to witness him knocking me around the living room. He is a large man and when angry it does not take much for him to do this. After he grabbed me by the back of the neck and threw me to the floor, I grabbed him foot.

Trying to get my boys to leave the house because I did not want them to see this nor did I want them hurt. My husband turned and stomped me so hard that I heard the bones in my neck crack and my entire left side went numb. My darling boys ran to me. I managed to get them to run out the door to the neighbors and call 911. In the meantime, my husband rolled me on my back (feeling was starting to come back but not much). He choked me until I felt everything going dark and he let go. Then he told me how easy it would be for him to take a knife and slice my wrists. Scared I began trying to crawl to the door. He picked me up by my neck, opened the door and threw me to the porch. I managed to get to the neighbors. By the time the police arrived he was gone and on his way out of state.

Now I know you are wondering why I allowed him back. I felt like it was my fault. If I had not said anything it would not have happened. I also keep thinking about how he has been there for me through my illnesses. I have bipolar disorder among other things. My boys keep asking when he was coming home. I did not want them to be without their father like they were for all those years. And, of course, I loved him.

After he came back home, CPS got involved because the kids witnessed the abuse. He promises to get into rehab (around here there is a waiting list); attend counseling for himself and our marriage as well as family. The problem is...all of the trust I held for him is gone....all of the respect I held for him is gone...I feel the love diminishing some each day.

How can I believe this time will be any different? I know that I have to protect my children first but perhaps with CPS involved he will get help. He is a very good father and husband when he is clean but even with help how long will he stay that way...the thought of leaving him again is breaking my heart but the fear of what he may do is killing my soul. Can I mend them both? Advice? Guess I didn't keep my story short, uh. Thanks!

Last edited by Administrator; 05-26-2011 at 08:44 AM. Reason: removed identifying details.

 
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Old 05-14-2011, 01:36 PM   #2
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Re: So Confused and Afraid

You owe him NOTHING~! What you do owe is to your children.They deserve and need a stable,safe home.Your husband has spiraled out of control and all of his promises will be broken.An excellent predictor of future behavior is PAST behavior,walk away while you're still able.One day,his abuse of you will go too far and then your children will be w/o either parent.I will keep you in my prqayers,but PLEASE,take the kids and leave.Break the cycle now.

 
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Old 05-15-2011, 03:36 PM   #3
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bnln HB User
Re: So Confused and Afraid

Looks like you got caught up with the wrrong man .. hunny dont waste any more more time! find someone who will love youand your boys! if your hurt just imagine how they must be hurting. for your safety and there own, get a restraining order!!! if he hasnt changed within the past 14 years, he never will. This will only make your stronger and your boys will be proud of there mother. that is a horrible story . You arent his life anymore, the drugs are and the quicker you realize that, the easier it will be. You did the right thing wen you left the first time around.. a home is supposed to be happy! not praying that your husband doesnt hurt you or the kids. he obviously doesnt care if hes willing to put there well being in danger for his sick drug use. i feel so sorry for you, keep your head up, this too shall pass. You deserve the best for you and your boys

Last edited by Administrator; 05-15-2011 at 10:25 PM.

 
Old 05-20-2011, 02:57 AM   #4
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jaybear HB User
Re: So Confused and Afraid

As a man I know that what I say may be effect by my sex, but in my opinion you need to take you kids and leave and NOW! It is very obvious that he has gotten to the point where taking you to the brink of death is acceptable and actual murder is not that far off since by staying you are in his mind saying he is allowed to hurt you. I was married to an alcoholic and abusive wife. What began as woulds and slaps when she was drunk or did not like something got to the point where things were thrown and then even to the point that she stabbed me. I had tried over and over to love her a little more so she was less abusive, try a little harder to show her how much I cared, but it didn't matter all it did was tell her it was ok to treat me badly.

In your case it goes even farther you have the safety of your children to worry about and as long as you are around your husband they are not safe. The mental affect alone of watching him abuse you will be create massive scars and the chance he will lash out at them and physically abuse them is ever present...what happens if one day you are not there to abuse and they are? There is also the question, do you want for your sons to belive abuse of women is right and when grown to abuse the women they "love?"

Last edited by Administrator; 05-21-2011 at 12:17 AM.

 
Old 05-25-2011, 11:28 AM   #5
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BobinTexas HB User
Re: So Confused and Afraid

No doubt about it, leave and do it now. I spent more than 25 years with an alcoholic and pill addict thinking I could help. I sought all kinds of treatment centers, psychologists, doctors, everything and nothing worked. Addicts will lie and steal to maintain their habit. Nothing else matters to them than getting that next drink or pill. if you try and stand in the way you are putting yourself in physical danger. They are like a black cloud always following you around. YOU can not help him, he has to want it for himself. After I left and divorced I feel 100% better, like a load has been lifted from me. I have a new lease on life. Not to mention it damned near killed me.

 
Old 05-25-2011, 01:06 PM   #6
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Jaby HB UserJaby HB User
Re: So Confused and Afraid

HUGS.... please for YOUR sake and your KIDS sake - dont take him back... distance yourself from him as soon as you can and get things put in place so that he cant come near you, and if he does insist on visits with his children - make sure they are supervised visits ... what a terrible situation.

 
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Old 05-27-2011, 08:28 AM   #7
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walkingtall HB Userwalkingtall HB Userwalkingtall HB Userwalkingtall HB Userwalkingtall HB Userwalkingtall HB User
Re: So Confused and Afraid

My brother had everything he's in his mid fifties and just now decided to quit. He has had at least thirty or more relapses.

I married and alcoholic and drug addict and they do not change. I was getting just as sick as he was by living with him. The best thing I did was get away from him with my children. My ex has been sober from alcohol for two years but is still miserable.

Find a way to live by yourself and keep him out of your life. He is a toxic example for your boys.

We get so used to the 'excitement' or drama that they create in our lives that it's hard to stay in a normal relationship. Get out while you can. You can not change him or make him want help. He will say anything to keep getting you back.

CPS should be involved. God forbid they get a hold of a needle. I know it's hard to stay away but for the sake of your children you must. They depend on you for their safety.. hugs.

 
Old 05-28-2011, 11:36 PM   #8
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Re: So Confused and Afraid

Hi,

I know from experience no one can tell you what to do. You have to want it too. I have endured abuse of all kinds for the past 26 years. My husband is not into drugs or alchol but he is not a nice man when he goes off. He has not hit me in 7 years,but the emotional abuse continues. Maybe some change with help, mine did not! He went through domestic abuse classes and swore he would change (for maybe two years).

I can tell you this, having had three children go through this abuse I have seen what it had done to them as adults. I was warned in therapy that this would happen, but I believed with me teaching them right from wrong they would survive it. So here is what has happened to my kids; Oldest is in his mid twenties and has not had a relationship with anyone, he is abusive verbally to everyone in the house. our daughter is married to a control freak who is an alcholic(she won't leave him), I guess I taught her that! My youngest is 19 and also has not had a relationship for he hides in his room all the time when home from college playing video games. (he is very shy and withdrawn). If you can save your boys from growing up like this. I worry about you. Fear keeps me here. Honestly, unless someone lives through this life they can't understand it. Some get the strength and leave and I applaud them. Get yourself strong emotionally. You need to beable to protect yourself and make a plan. Contact the domestic violence groups and go. They really help! Prayers for you.

 
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