Hello, I could really use some advice from someone that has been in my shoes. I will try to keep it short. I have been married to the same guy for many years, however, we were separated for most of those years due to his drugs use and abusive nature. Afterthat I decided to give it another try. He assured me that he was clean and wanted his family back. He wasn't clean. He was still on drugs and drinking as much as he was when I left. I decided to try to help him and work it out this time around. He tried to clean up but would relapse at least once every 6 months or so, we have been back together for several years now.
I realize now that this wasn't a relapse but the times that I knew of him doing drugs and confronted him. Each time this would happen we would end up in a terrible fight, usually resulting in him physically or emotionally abusing me. Each time this has happened it seems to get worse. Once I ended up with bruises covering me from chest to feet, including my breasts pinched to the point that held huge bruises. In between hitting me, he would choke me until I was close to passing out before he would start again. Thankfully my three boys were not home at the time. Unfortunately, the last time they were.
It was in the middle of the night and my husband had fallen asleep at the computer. I woke and tried to get him to bed. After several hours, he woke and stood up. I sat down in the seat and saw a needle hidden under the computer keyboard. I told him that I had found it. He wanted to argue and I asked him repeatedly to please just go to bed and we would talk about it after he had some rest. In the end, his screaming at me woke my boys to witness him knocking me around the living room. He is a large man and when angry it does not take much for him to do this. After he grabbed me by the back of the neck and threw me to the floor, I grabbed him foot.
Trying to get my boys to leave the house because I did not want them to see this nor did I want them hurt. My husband turned and stomped me so hard that I heard the bones in my neck crack and my entire left side went numb. My darling boys ran to me. I managed to get them to run out the door to the neighbors and call 911. In the meantime, my husband rolled me on my back (feeling was starting to come back but not much). He choked me until I felt everything going dark and he let go. Then he told me how easy it would be for him to take a knife and slice my wrists. Scared I began trying to crawl to the door. He picked me up by my neck, opened the door and threw me to the porch. I managed to get to the neighbors. By the time the police arrived he was gone and on his way out of state.
Now I know you are wondering why I allowed him back. I felt like it was my fault. If I had not said anything it would not have happened. I also keep thinking about how he has been there for me through my illnesses. I have bipolar disorder among other things. My boys keep asking when he was coming home. I did not want them to be without their father like they were for all those years. And, of course, I loved him.
After he came back home, CPS got involved because the kids witnessed the abuse. He promises to get into rehab (around here there is a waiting list); attend counseling for himself and our marriage as well as family. The problem is...all of the trust I held for him is gone....all of the respect I held for him is gone...I feel the love diminishing some each day.
How can I believe this time will be any different? I know that I have to protect my children first but perhaps with CPS involved he will get help. He is a very good father and husband when he is clean but even with help how long will he stay that way...the thought of leaving him again is breaking my heart but the fear of what he may do is killing my soul. Can I mend them both? Advice?
Guess I didn't keep my story short, uh. Thanks!
So Confused and Afraid 
