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Old 07-17-2011, 10:10 PM   #1
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I have been dating my boyfriend for a year now. we are both military. I am a very faithful girlfriend, and i do everything he asks me to do. But he constantly accuses me of cheating, without ever having a reason. For example, I guess I drive too close to other vehicles, not because its dangerous, because he thinks im flirting with who ever is in the vehicle next to me.

My best friend died when I was in high school, I got a tattoo for him. And my boyfriend seems to think that he deserves a tattoo as well, so that way he thinks hes as important as my friend that passed away.

On top of all of that, and many more examples Im not going to list out, he calls me names. And this just isnt an occasional thing. Its more like a daily thing. Well be ok for a couple days, but it never fails that in the end he basically accuses me of cheating and calls me names.

When hes home, and he finds something stupid to be mad about, he wont touch me, or even sit near me. Hell stay on the other side of the room, and when we go to sleep he rolls in the other direction and if I touch him he shrugs me off.

He also thinks that because I kept all of my pictures from High School (parties ect) that they mean more to me than he does.

He is currently deployed, and it's making this whole thing a lot more difficult. I can't even go to the pool with a friend, because there might be other men there, and they cant see me in a bathing suit. The worst part is, hes not concerned about someone hitting on me, hes convinced that I'm cheating on him.

I've explained to him just how hurtful he can be, hell apologize, say hell never do it again, then do it again usually by the next day. Its to the point where Im left in tears more often than anyone should be, and it takes a lot for me to cry.

I just dont know what to do, I love him, and I cant seem to convince him to calm down and believe anything that I say, whether its what Im doing or how I feel about something.
Any advice??

Last edited by Mod-S4; 08-07-2011 at 07:31 PM. Reason: Threads merged. Duplicate posts merged.

 
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Old 07-18-2011, 12:19 AM   #2
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Re: Is this emotional abuse? help?

You both need a break. when he comes back from his tour tell him that your going away for a while you need your distance from eachother. limit the contact and he will see what he has been doing. i know that i should be taking my advise and i will soon. but there comes a time when enough is enough and that we realise that yeah we do need a break and do what we need to do and time to figure out hey is this what i was raised to do and be someones beck and call and still be accused of being a cheater. this isn;t good in a relationship and we all know that, take a break from it all tell him that this will help your relationship out in the long run and do what you want to do not what he wants you to do.

 
Old 07-18-2011, 05:00 AM   #3
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Re: Emotional Abuse?

Hello armychic1.

It appears that his insecurities are getting the better of him,which manifest themselves as verbal abuse and other uncomfortable behavioral patterns.

The element of verbal abuse is affecting you emotionally and it seems that you are tiring of all the accusations and other scenarios he brings to the "table."

He exerts relational abuse,whose sub-components are betrayal,exclusion/solitude,gossip,humiliation and lies.

You are in an abusive relationship which is psychological in its' nature.
==================
If it's not broke don't fix it but when it is(in this case) the rule of thumb is repair.

You can try explaining to him how he makes you feel.

If he isn't receptive to this,you need to ask yourself if this relationship is healthy or worth pursuing further.

If you love him,it further complicates matters(not sure if this is the case).

Please try to do what is best for you,as I am wishing you both peace and happiness.

Respectfully
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Old 07-18-2011, 06:11 AM   #4
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Re: Is this emotional abuse? help?

YES this is absolutely emotional abuse, not to mention verbal abuse.....
he's trying to control you.....
you need more than a break, you need to ditch this guy, he's bad news......

 
Old 07-18-2011, 06:29 AM   #5
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Re: Is this emotional abuse? help?

This is not normal behavior. It's very, very abnormal. He has completely lost his mind. Only one of two things is going on here. First, he keeps blaming you for cheating all the time because he has done it and continues to do it all the time. Cheaters frequently pull this kind of nonsense to deflect the attention away from themselves. Secondly, he just has a major mental illness and truly believes you are actually cheating because he has completely lost his mind. Either way, both scenarios are very bad and it means it's time to leave.

You claim that when you're not fighting that he's a great guy. I disagree. Any guy who would be so constantly aggressively accusatory is not a great guy. He is a jealous, posessive and yes very abusive loser and you need to get out. I wouldn't even wait to tell him in person, I would write him a Dear John letter, pack up my stuff and get out now while he isn't around to stop you. Otherwise you're going to cave and stay with him, allowing him to continue abusing you.

The worst thing you could do for yourself is stay in a relationship where you are constantly wrongly accused and put down. It's going to destroy you and turn you into a self loathing shell of your former self. You have to stop this now before it gets to that point.

 
Old 07-18-2011, 07:03 AM   #6
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Re: Is this emotional abuse? help?

Quote:
Originally Posted by armychic1 View Post
For example, I guess I drive too close to other vehicles, not because its dangerous, because he thinks im flirting with who ever is in the vehicle next to me.
W.T.F.? How is this even possible? I can't even fathom something so asinine, yet your boyfriend is convinced it is possible.

Quote:
Originally Posted by armychic1 View Post
I just dont know what to do, I love him, when we arnt arguing we have a wonderful relationship. Besides this issue that Im having hes an amazing person, and I love him with all my heart.
To be blunt, this guy is NOT an amazing person. Someone that berates you quite harshly, doesn't trust you, is not someone that is the best thing since sliced bread. You are clearly in an abusive relationship. It may not be physical abusive, not yet at least, but definitely emotional. My question is what are you still doing with him? Why are you tolerating him? You are in the military, and one of things that the military attempts to instill in its members is self-confidence and self-respect. Your boyfriend is a control freak. My advice to you is do an about-face on him, leave him, and nurture your self-respect.
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Last edited by SingleHunter; 07-18-2011 at 07:04 AM.

 
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Old 07-18-2011, 07:12 AM   #7
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Re: Is this emotional abuse? help?

Quote:
Originally Posted by armychic1 View Post
when we arnt arguing we have a wonderful relationship. Besides this issue that Im having hes an amazing person, and I love him with all my heart. I just cant seem to convince him to calm down and believe anything that I say, whether its what Im doing or how I feel about something.
Any advice??
But you said you argue everyday. That he calls you a name so bad that you can't print it here, everyday. So when exactly is he a wonderful, amazing person? It looks like you're asking advice on how to convince him to believe you. But that's not something you are in control of. It's up to him to decide that you are trustworthy, and he doesn't. And that has nothing to do with you. That's his issue. And only he can choose to work it out. And he's not choosing to. That seriously limits your options. You can't control another person, and you can't make them believe what they don't want to believe. He's angry and has emotional problems that didn't start with you. So please don't be mistaken. Please don't think you can fix his problems, because you can't. He's angry and needs to yell. He needs to rant and go off the deep end. That's why you're walking on egg shells and it still isn't stopping him from going off. Because you're not the one causing it, so you can't be the one to fix it. He'd yell at you and accuse you of cheating no matter what you did, because that's what he does. That's how he has chosen to handle stress and anger. And you can't change that. So you can choose to stay there and be his emotional punching bag and have your self esteem destroyed and loose every strong, bright, good part of yourself in the hopes of getting those few little nuggest of sweetness that come all too frequently, or you can hold your head up, take care of yourself and leave. It's up to you.

 
Old 07-18-2011, 07:52 AM   #8
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Wink Re: Emotional Abuse?

hun noone should indure that with anyone... People say the accuser is the one that is doing it.. Not saying that he is..but with that emotional abuse is not good for u.. Has he had bad relationships in the past that the women did that to him.. He need to learn to trust.. Apperently he has no trust in anyone... I know what that feels like.. Have u brought it to his attention? He should b in counceling as well... Seems like he has selfesteem issues to.. Hun , u dont deserve that from anyone noone does... If u stay and put up with it it will only drag u down further into depression.. And i cant see u doing that.. I know u love him and he may love u.. But a man who loves a women would not do something like that to the women he loves unconditionaly..

He had to of had trama in his life for him to treat a women like that...good luck hun and god bless.. I hope u find peace
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Old 07-18-2011, 08:54 AM   #9
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Re: Is this emotional abuse? help?

I have seen so many girls who want to stay in an abusive relationship. They think they can fix the problem or help the guy to stop it. You cannot save him or fix his issues. It is his problem. Also a military man can be either respectful or plainly mean due to some mental issue. It is up to his doctors to treat him and he should not be allowed to speak like that.

Why do you love him? Why do you say he is amazing? He may have good grades and all that, but he is abusing you. It is not amazing or nice.
You worry that you won't find another guy? I think you will because you are in the military and you are a strong woman.

Sometimes women stay because they think they won't have other guys. Well, it is better that you are single at this point.

Take care,
Nina

Last edited by ninamarc; 07-18-2011 at 08:56 AM.

 
Old 07-18-2011, 11:17 AM   #10
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Re: Emotional Abuse?

He has some serious baggage to deal with, and unfortunately it's not going to go away until he does. Anger issues, jealousy, abandonmnet....he needs to see a professional and get help with these. All to easily, this type of thing can turn to violence and you don't want to wait until that happens.

Nobody should be a prisoner to a loved one, relationships do not flourish under those situations. As hard as it would be, leaving him until he gets help, or permanently if he refuses may be your only option at this time.....

I wish you well, and hope that your decisions come easy...

Kat

 
Old 07-18-2011, 11:32 AM   #11
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Re: Is this emotional abuse? help?

I just wanted to echo what the others have said in that you need to run don't walk away from this person. Jealously/insecurity is such a negative trait and your boyfriend has an extreme case of them both.

You deserve better and to be happy without the constant barrage of insults or accusations. Also, as someone else has mentioned, it could mean that he's trying to justify his lack faithfulness. I've seen that way too many times when I was deployed.

My only other suggestion would be that when you decide to end it, it might be better while he's deployed. From my experience, it usually gives them the time to deal with it and not get crazy on you.

Good Luck!
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Old 07-18-2011, 12:58 PM   #12
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Re: Is this emotional abuse? help?

You are going to do what you want but I've been there done that. Been head over heels in love. You need to get away as fast as you can IF you can. Call an abuse shelter and just talk to them and get another opinion.

 
Old 07-18-2011, 07:11 PM   #13
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Re: Is this emotional abuse? help?

My suggestion is leave him, its clearly not working and not healthy. I have been in your position before , even worse two of my ex's was extremely violent and abusive i loved them , i didnt wanna leave but in the end after we finally split up i was relieved and NEVER would put myself in that situation again.

If your not careful, he will bring you down so much you will lose yourself and not even recognise yourself anymore.

He treats you very badly. You dont deserve it and you dont need it. One life and your living it unhappy and been abused all the time.

You say you argue everyday and that hes nasty to you? So i too am curious to know when is he actually nice? Bits of 'nice' here and there is NOT good enough.

 
Old 08-07-2011, 08:59 AM   #14
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I'm going to shoot from the hip here. The answer is Yes.. this IS abuse, and over time it only gets worse... You are in an emotionally abusive relationship.

First of all, The accusation of cheating itself is one that has a great deal of gravity and should not be taken lightly. You shouldn't feel guilty going to the pool or meeting up with friends/family.
The worse part is, that it gets worse over time. The accusations will increase, you can stop seeing friends, family, and isolate yourself in the house and you'll still be accused of sneaking out to cheat for a couple hours. Before you know it, the cashier at K-mart that you might accidentally ask how their day is also is someone your screwing on the side (Experienced this personally).

My point is, that as time progresses and if you take the path of appeasement you'll find yourself locked in the house with no ability to have friends/family for fear of angering your partner & being accused of infidelity. The compliance pathway does not work, you can lock yourself in the house, Isolate yourself from friends and family and the accusations will only escalate.

If you seek to save the relationship, counseling and change will be required. If you start changing who you are trying to appease him, you'll most likely find that the bar is constantly raised and nothing you do is enough and the abuse will evolve and take on a life of its own.
Years of this unchecked will leave YOU emotionally damaged if you one day muster the courage to leave.

I can say this from experience..

Last edited by Mod-S4; 08-07-2011 at 07:35 PM. Reason: Posts merged.

 
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