I have been married to my husband for just over a year, been with him for 5 and we have 2 children.
I'll try to keep this short, my husband has major anger issues, and can also be very controlling, jealous and possessive. HE also has major trust issues, which stem from his past as he has had a pretty rough childhood. He was emotionally and verbally abusing me pretty badly up until a few months ago when I left him. After I left he started making some changes, I and went back. However, after I came back he has stopped going to couselling and I can see that his anger is slowly coming back. Its not as frequent as before but its there.
I have to go into a bit of detail, just so you can understand the situation. He does not like to be around people, he assumes the worst of every person he meets, and then when he gets to know someone he still goes back and forth between liking the person and being their mortal enemy. He always thinks that everyone is out to get him and he can trust no one. He is a martial arts instructor, and he is obsessed with watching and reading true crime stories and movies. Everytime I go out he goes on and on about how I need to be careful of people, don't trust anyone, etc. He also does not trust me in terms of being faithful. For some reason he thinks I'm some naive little girl who doesn't know a thing about the world and that if someone was hitting on me that I wouldn't know how to say no. Its a little insulting! He sees me as a frail little person that he has to protect. If I even mention that he's being paranoid he freaks.
A few weeks ago we were invited to a wedding, to which he did not want to go. I knew he did not want to, so I told him I would like to go myself. HE then started yelling at me for not asking him if he wanted to go with me. He also got angry because I wanted to go 4 hours away without him. He started going on about what could happen--I could go to a party, get drunk and cheat on him..etc. Its like he thinks that we need to isolated from the world and feels that as soon as we're around other people bad things are going to happen. Anyway, he started yelling and screaming uncontrollably at me, meanwhile I was trying to reason with him. HE was throwing things, telling me to shut up, things like that.
After a few days he came to me and apologized for yelling at me and said that he wouldn't do that anymore. That he wanted to be able to talk to me in a civilized way. Not 10 minutes later, when I asked him what we were going to do about this, he started yelling and screaming again! Simply because I didn't agree with his "conditions" and insisted on talking about it. I told him that all these issues he has with abandonment and trust have nothing to do with anything I've ever done, but with people in his past who have hurt him, and he has told me this himself. I also told him that if he continued to ignore those issues that they would keep coming up in the future between us. The he couldn't expect his anger to go away if he refused to deal with his problems. He responded by saying that he did not want to deal with them, that he never would, and that if I couldn't live with it maybe we should get a divorce.
As usual, things have gotten swept under the carpet and everything is back to "normal". I apologize for going on so long, but I just need some advice or feedback of any kind. Should I wait for things to change? Again?
The following 2 users give hugs of support to: St0113
66dave (08-29-2011),ILoveBasenjis (08-22-2011)
I'm in the same situation, every time I even want to go to the store, I'm acused of going to see my boyfriend,WHAT BOYFRIEND!!
He sits here and starts thinking all this crap
I also left him and he promised it would never happen again,
for awhile it's o.k. and then he starts up again.
Last edited by Mod-S4; 07-26-2011 at 07:32 AM.
Reason: Please let the original poster have her question answered here. Thanks.
I left my abuser for the 3rd and final time 6 weeks ago. He beat me up while I was holding my 3 year old son. Emotional and verbal abuse is a pre-curser to physical abuse. It's a cycle that escalates into a spiral and will result in death for the victim if you do not escape in time. Every time I left, he said he would change. He'd go to counseling, make small changes, and within 1-1.5 months, he was back at the explosive & controlling behavior anger.
Leaving my abuser and the hopes for the relationship was the hardest thing I ever did. If he had killed me as he almost did 6 weeks ago, it could've been much harder. I could never see my kids again.
Get to counseling if you can, start socking away the money, contact a local dv shelter, and start planning your escape.
Hello, and welcome to the HealthBoards...I hope we can help you.
No one deserves to be treated with so much disrespect, especially as the mother of his children. He has really crossed the line, and without serious help, there is no chance of his recovery. And that means HIS work, HIS counseling, and his efforts to change for himself, you and your children.
Even if you do not feel enough fear to leave for yourself, do it for the children. This type of behavior is enough to leave permanent damage on those kids. You are their only protector, as he could blow his lid at any point.
When you mention that you can see his anger increasing, his chances of causing more harm to you and your children increases by tenfold. The use of the apology and promises to never do such a thing to you again is old news. It is the oldest trick in the abusers book. That one is worn out, and should never be allowed to work again. AS you have seen yourself, it will come back a soon as it is needed again.
I agree that it is time to put some plans together, that keeps your children safe, together and away from all this turmoil. What is your family situation ? Do you have anywhere you can go and be safe from him? Contact you local battered womens shelter. They have resources for you to choose from.
Feel free to keep coming back to share your story, as it is not just you going through such horror. We are always here to offer an ear to listen and ideas to help you. Take care of yourself and those children. Get out as soon as possible.
My dear, I'm writing to you now and I am in tears! I have the same. Problem this side of the world. I met my partner in Aug 2009. He was such a nice humber man, I thought he was God send considering all the past guys I dated. He told me he was with someone, but they had separated. He spend so much time with me, always there in seconds when I called. In the meantime he was lying, he was staying with this woman and her 3 kids.
We went out for eats almost every 2nd day, I was turning into a spoiled bratt!
All this time I never had sex with him, until he decided we must go to Cape Town for a holiday. When we got to our hotel room, we had an argument about the TV volume, and guess what? He smacked me so hard, kicked me and beat me up! I ended up in hosp, and not enjoying the trip. The next day we came back home, I had to pretend everything was ok, and my kids were happy for me. Two days later, I went on a picnic with friends. He was always tracking me, demanding to know my whereabouts, very jelous and very possesive. I texted back and said what room number I was in. he called back and we laughed about it.
The next morning he calls me, tone very high, and tells me that I shud expect a call from someone, and I must please not give detials about our relationship! Well, the call didn't come through. Lster that night he came to see me, and when I insisted that he explains, he told me it was his partner, she scrolled his fone and read our sms's. He also mentioned that she was admitted in hospital after she collapsed while they were arguing about our affair.
Long short of it, she stayed in hospital until she died on Oct 10 last year! He buried her, despite claiming that they were no longer together! When I asked him exactly what was wrong with her, he says she suffered from DEPRESSION!
Now, he hasn't been himself lately, and he still continues to abuse me emotionally and PHISYCALLY. As we speak, my whole body is purple, I can't use my right hand at all, and I have bumps on my head from the kicking! All this happened on friday night. I managed to free myself and I went to the police. They jave advised me to get a protection order tomorrow. I am done with him, I am not going back there ever again! I left the car he bouth for me, his 3 storey house, and I am prepared to take it one day at a time. I hope you must also thinlk long and hard about the abuse, and if you can, get out while you still can.
The following 4 users give hugs of support to: Moipone
krissyk73 (08-23-2011),mgiperu (01-07-2012),Phoenix (08-15-2011),St0113 (08-15-2011)
Wow...that last reply makes my situation seem minor. I am still so confused, after I posted the message of course things got swept under the carpet again and we went until now without any problems. I recently got a job which I love, and had to attend three community events this past week which I was supposed to report on. These events of course had a crowd of people attending and after each one my husband was angry with me for going because he doesn't want me going alone anywhere that someone could hit on me! Especially the last one, he was on the phone to me the whole time screaming at me to come home "right now". When I didn't it just made him worse. By supper time today he was back to acting like nothing ever happened and I am left with my head spinning. In the heat of it, I am ready to say that I am done. But as usual I don't have the guts to do it and now that things have gotten pushed aside again I don't know what to think. Its like I actually believe he's changing until something else sets him off.
I don't know if I still love him or if I am just so used to having someone who provides security (financially) that I am afraid to go out on my own.
Boy, I know what that's like and it is really difficult. You need look within you, and decide what you are willing to put up with. I am in the middle of doing that myself. It's important that you do what's best for you and your children. Safety is upmost important, and that includes emotional health.
I am sorry you are going through this. These are seeious issues that he needs to deal with and in no way should be projected onto you. My advise if he does not want to get help then leave him. You deserve so much better than to be forced to live anothers issues
The Following User Says Thank You to lisa57 For This Useful Post:
Thank you Lisa57. I appreciate what you said. It is hell living with someone who is so critical. I think I am burned out. I can't deal with it anymore and I think I'm going to file next week. It is a difficult decision because I still love him, but I am suffering needlessly. Thank you!
The following 2 users give hugs of support to: ILoveBasenjis
LadyPeac3 (09-17-2011),Moipone (09-16-2011)
I'm glad that you've made the decision that helps you the most. Nobody should have to live with abuse, no matter what kind it is. You children will be happier and safer in a home with you, the best is not always living with a mommy and daddy. Congrats on your job and peace be with you in this new phase of life.