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Old 07-29-2011, 10:54 AM   #1
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Bad ex boyf

Ok, so Im sorry if this is long n doesnt make much sense .. but I'll try and explain whats going on.

Basically, some time ago I split up with a long term boyfriend. He was a controlling, abusive bully too me (mentally and physically).

I need to explain what happened to explain whats wrong with me right now .. so, here goes ...

I moved to another city to be with him, I had friends there and all was well. But we moved house to a much further away part of the city, it required a bus ride (or sometimes 2) to get to my friends.
If I wanted to see them I had to explicitly say who I was seeing, when I would be home and why I was going in the first place. In the end I pretty much just stopped going out.
I was already suffering from depression (which he had previously said he'd help me with) and I wasnt allowed to see a doctor and was told I just had to snap out of it.

I did work but all of my money went to him (I had to hide money my parents sent me cos he would of taken that too) so I couldnt afford to do anything on my own (he'd give me money for my bus to work).
Sometimes he would work away for a few days at a time and leave me in the house with no central heating (I didnt know how to turn it on), no shower (it was broken and only he could make it work), only bus money and microwave pizza.

On top of that was the constant shouting, yelling, screaming at me for no reason. Not that I can think of. I dont want to talk about the physical side of it .. I cant.

Anywho, back to the present day ...

Im with a lovely guy who is litereally the man of my dreams, I couldnt be treated any better, Im sure I dont deserve a guy as lovely as him.
He knows about what happened and is totally supportive and knows why I am like I am.

But, my ex must of left more of an impression than I thought, Ive barely been able to leave the house in the last 6 months, I cant bear my boyfriend to leave me on my own (to the point of him almost failing a course because of me) and Im sure its getting him down too.

Im trying to get help, Ive been to the doctor and got some anti depressants. I havent told her about what my ex did though, just that I cant leave the house or even begin to look for work.
Its like Ive become afraid to do anything outside and even seeing friends is something Im becoming more afraid of doing.

I used to be so outgoing and now everyone thinks Im lazy because I dont go out and Ive not been at work or looked for a job but I cant tell them the real reason

Sorry its been long and stuff. I just .. dont know where else to turn to..

 
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Old 07-29-2011, 04:11 PM   #2
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Re: Bad ex boyf

Hello FadedDeadstar,

It does seem that you have unresolved issues to face.

I know that it will be uncomfortable(and in many respects,difficult) for you to do so but sharing the uncomfortable and traumatic will help you to stand up to what has transpired in your life.

If you still feel that you can't explain it verbally,might I suggest writing a letter or sending an email to her.

From that point,you can discuss if psychotherapy may be beneficial for you.

Please elaborate more,if you are up to it,

Respectfully
Phoenix
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Old 07-29-2011, 09:53 PM   #3
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Re: Bad ex boyf

Hi there sweetie,

I am so sorry to hear what that monster put you through. He was very sick, obviously, and you in NO WAY deserved what happened to you. As for what you said about not deserving your current boyfriend, that couldn't be further from the truth! Every woman deserves to be treated properly. No one DESERVES to be abused. You especially, after what you've been through, need to be handled with care and given lots of respect and love.
You sound like you might be suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. I had that, too, after being with several not-so-nice men. You are really lucky to have broken the cycle and not ended up with another abusive man. Many girls keep attracting the same kinds of manipulative, controlling men, because they have very low standards due to being so hurt and broken down in the past.
I really, strongly advise you to reach out to the people that love you and whom you can trust. As you said, you are completely dependent on your current boyfriend, which is not healthy at all. If you want to lead a happy life, and you want your current relationship to be a healthy one that will work out and be happy for you both, you REALLY need to see a counsellor, therapist, or psychologist. Particularly, one that specializes in abuse victims/trauma. You should look into finding one in your area, you can do this through the phonebook or online.
It will be the biggest favor you will ever do yourself if you do choose to seek treatment. It can provide you with the tools you need to get strong and to deal with your self esteem issues. Feeling like you don't deserve to be treated properly is not normal or healthy, and it's in direct result of the harmful actions that were done to you. You really have to take care of yourself and save your future, please try and get some help with your issues. You won't regret it. I know it is not an easy thing to do, and it's scary. But it's A LOT scarier to keep repeating the same mistakes and to lose the people you love because you are too codependent and have a lot of unresolved baggage.
There is a light at the end of the tunnel, and there is a way out of this. Finding a good therapist can help lead you through this and shine a light on the way out of the tunnel. There are free services out there too, if money is an issue. Don't be afraid to ask for the help you need. You DO deserve to be happy AND healthy. And if you still can't do it for yourself, do it for your relationship... do it for your future. But ultimately, you have to do this for you. Antidepressants/medications/quick fixes are not the answer. I'm not saying don't take your medication, I'm just saying you have a lot of work left to do in order to overcome this. You have to reach out and ask for help. Find the strength!

Good luck, and take care of yourself!

 
Old 07-31-2011, 07:24 AM   #4
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Re: Bad ex boyf

Hi, sorry it's taken a while to reply but thankyou for your kind words.
It's lovely to be able to finally feel like I can talk about this, I'm d*****atly going to ask my doctor about some talking therapy :-)

I have some very close and trusted friends but I don't even feel like I could tell them, for fear of not being believed.
He is friends with alot of the other people I hang around with and he's very good at talking his way out of things and very very good at making me sound awful (he still does it when I happen to be at the same social gathering ..), like he randomly for no reason just came out with some very personal information that everyone there heard and made me look like the bad guy even though I hadn't done anything (I had a termination a year into our relationship that he made me get pretty much against my will .. But in hindsight it was for the best).

I do try to avoid him when I can but he lives with one of my best friends and it appears if anything social is goin on it happens there, I'm trying my hardest to go out and see my friends but being around him makes me uneasy and panicked. So, I avoid going out these days.

I just, feel so alone (even tho I have my lovely boyfriend, he just can't ever understand what Im goin through and we do talk bout it but I know it upsets him, understandably). I've only heard about this sort of thing happening on tv or read it in the papers and I know I'm lucky to have broken the cycle of bad guys and to have gotten out with what I have, but I don't feel it 99% of the time.

Why do I have to live like this whilst he gets to carry on like nothing happened?? :-(

Thankyou again for your kind words, I can't tell u how much it means to me :-)

 
Old 07-31-2011, 05:08 PM   #5
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Re: Bad ex boyf

[QUOTE=FadedDeadstar;4812135
I have some very close and trusted friends but I don't even feel like I could tell them, for fear of not being believed.
He is friends with alot of the other people I hang around with
I do try to avoid him when I can but he lives with one of my best friends and it appears if anything social is goin on it happens there, I'm trying my hardest to go out and see my friends but being around him makes me uneasy and panicked. So, I avoid going out these days.

I just, feel so alone (even tho I have my lovely boyfriend, he just can't ever understand what Im goin through and we do talk bout it but I know it upsets him, understandably).
Why do I have to live like this whilst he gets to carry on like nothing happened?? :-(

Thankyou again for your kind words, I can't tell u how much it means to me :-)[/QUOTE]

FDS,

Having shared friends in common is not the best scenario in the world for so many reasons;one of them trying to discern where their loyalties will lie.

Maybe a few ground rules could be set,if you do go out with any of them,like not mentioning him in your company.

Social venues have been known to change and you can even get creative with it,if you choose.

It may seem that you are getting the short end of the stick now but you never know what the future holds.....

and whatever it holds,I hope that it's in your favor.

Respectfully
Phoenix
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