From one bad apple to the next, and a phobia to boot.
I don't even know where to start. So much has happened and I'm still allowing it to control me and I hadn't realized it till today after a heated argument with my mother that it still was.
I am twenty years old now, and two years ago after a two year abusive relationship I left him. I'm proud that I have after all the hell I went through with him. He not only emotionally and verbally abused me but also physical and sexual. I was so blind that I had not realized the sexual bits until I was out of the relationship and able to think about all that happened.
But anyway.. I'd met him my sophomore year in high school and I was instantly smitten with him. He had the typical bad boy look and I was a rebel so of course I was drawn to him. Before he and I got together I'd heard from other people that he was abusive toward his prior girlfriend (who he had left to be with me.. should have been a sign I know). But I just believed that they were rumors and wanted to judge him for myself.
He was so kind and gentle at first, sweet..charming. I hadn't realized that I'd let a wolf into my heart. At first it was minor things and things that I was to young to realize he was doing. He began to make himself the center point of my life, and slowly push me away from friends and family. Isolating me from those I loved. He'd once told me that my best friend was emailing him explicit things which caused she and I to stop talking.
Because of him I stopped talking to my father for a little over a year. Then things began to become more... cruel. He would play mind games. Telling me one thing one moment and another the next before I became so confused and when I'd ask him about it he would become anger and call me a dumb b**** and other insults. I began to question my sanity because of these games he would play.
We broke up and then got back together after eight months of fighting and hating each other. I only wished I had stayed away.
Oh I forgot to mention prior to us breaking up, three months into our relationship he'd asked me to marry him. I blindly said yes. He then again asked me once we got back together. After we got back together things were good, but I was weary of being with him considering during our eight month break he had promised to get back with me, got back with me and broke up with me more times that I care to remember. So I was convinced this was the same thing.
But it wasn't and things were moving smoothly... till May. I May of 2009 he got into a fight with his father and was kicked out of his home. He came down to my house, his car full of some of his stuff and had no where to go. My parent's kindly allowed him to stay with us and for the next week he stayed. He and I hunted for a place for him and because I was so absorbed with helping him, because he'd beg me to go with him I'd neglected things at my house and ended up getting kicked out myself.
So we found a place about twenty minutes (by car) from my house and moved in. I was again isolated from everyone. I had no car, no licence or phone and depended solely on him for every thing.
He physically abused me and I was forced to do unbearable things with others under the influence of both drugs and alcohol. Even having sex with him when I didn't want to created a big fight. I wanted to leave the house and (at this point we had broken up again, but I hadn't moved out yet but was in the process of mainly because he was all over my former best friend) he would not allow me. I was physically abused so bad that I could barely move for days,effecting me both internally and externally.
Needless to say I left shortly after this and haven't been anywhere near him since I left. It was only a few months before I met the man who would later rape me and because of these two men I am so afraid to go out in public. I have no therapist I can't afford it. Nor do I have a support system. I just feel so alone and I don't know what to do. I use to be such a social butterfly and now I can barely stand going out into public in fear that I'll run into either of them. Even though logically I know that it's very slim. My life is turning into my hiding away in my house and I just.. I don't know what to do. It would be nice just to once have someone say they understand and possibly help me find a way to get back to who I was before this mess.
Last edited by Mod7; 08-03-2011 at 10:03 AM.
Reason: Please watch language and triggering information
The following user gives a hug of support to emmraven90: Rsky (08-04-2011)
Re: From one bad apple to the next, and a phobia to boot.
Dont let the past control you..I am saying to you dont let the past ruin your life..OK bad sh** does happen.I have had alot alot talot of things happen to me..I have been to many doctors,psyciatrists,pastors,friends, and although they feel sorry for the things that have happened they cant understand what it is really like..As a young boy I was both verbally and physically abused to the extreme; so much so that I didnt trust any one for years. I closed the world out,,I am not trying to be a doctor but what I am telling you,Is that you have to change,,,dont be a doormat that people can run all over you.There are people who care out there.Please don't let the bad ruin your life....
Last edited by Mod7; 08-04-2011 at 09:02 AM.
Reason: Please avoid specific triggering information.
Re: From one bad apple to the next, and a phobia to boot.
I am so sorry you have endured these bad relationships but you have come out alive and I think there has to be a rape crisis center near you that you can talk to without paying anyone. Also in your phone book you can call a crisis center and get someone to talk to you. I have never been raped but I'm sure it is a horrendous event that makes you question anyone you might want to get involved with in the future but for now you need healing and lots and lots of support. Please call someone who can help you. We all learn the hard way sometimes and I was married to a controller and manipulator. I divorced him but wonder why I stayed so long. It happens but you are alive and when you are healed you can help other women see the signs of abuse. Take care of yourself.