I have never done one of these before but I feel like somebody on here could give me answers to some questions that I have. So here is my story.
I am a 20 year old college student, but ever since I was born my mom has been a pretty hardcore alcoholic, and by that I mean as far back as I can remember she would come home every night at about 6 at night and get drunk. I have multiple memories of these nights. From stories that my mom's mom (obviously my grandma) has told me my mom was very violent back then and has been during all these years.
One time in particular, when I was in about 8th grade, she got especially violent. t I had started to work on a scrapbook for her because my mom is very big into scrapbooking and I thought it would be a nice surprise. However, when my mom found out that I had already begun to work on this certain scrapbook she got REALLY upset. She began screaming at me and I can't remember what she said but I remember her actions clearly. She grabbed a pair of scissors and chased me through the house. She threatened to cut up one of my favorite dresses, and when I grabbed it (for whatever reason it was hanging in her closet) she tried to take it from me but when she couldn't she tried to grab my hair and threatened to cut it all off. Luckily I was able to grab a phone as I had ran to closet and dial my grandma who had heard all of this going on. Also thankfully my dad came home right as this was going on and I was able to run outside and jump in his car and hide from her. I remember sitting in the car for a good hour afraid to come into the house because I thought she would come after me again.
Another incident happened around my junior year of high school. Like every other 16/17 year old girl I did indeed have an attitude problem and I realize that, but I don't feel it was bad enough for me to deserve what happened next. My mom and I got into a fight over something incredibly unimportant and it ended up with her being incredibly violent. I yet again ran outside to my own car this time and was able to lock myself inside. My mom then proceeded to grab a large rock from the garden next to my car and then tried to bust my window in with it. To this day you can still see the knick where the rock hit against the window.
My grandma has also recently just brought to my attention an incident that I have no memory of. The way she told it to me was that she came to my house one day after receiving a phone call from me saying my mom was fighting with me, and when she got there she found my mom with her hands around my throat trying to choke me as I was struggling to get up from our couch.
There were also numerous times throughout my life when my mom and I would get into fights and she would force my dad to "support" her and help her "parent" by agreeing with everything she said even though many times the things that she would say would be wrong, or sometimes she would call me names. There are very few memories that I have of her that are what I would consider happy or normal.
I also now have an almost 9 year old brother. He does not get treated as harshly as I was but he is still yelled at. But my mom treats him as her golden child. I know many of you probably think that's normal between children but you have to understand its not normal sibling rivalry. She honest to goodness gives him little foot massages and buys him whatever he wants. When I was his age I did get many things but no where near as much as he does. Another thing about my brother is that when he was first born I feel that I did a lot more caring for him than I should have as an 11 year old. For example I fed him, bathed him, rocked him to sleep, etc. I can't count the number of times that people in public mistaked him for my child instead of my mom's. Maybe that is just me being paranoid.
Anyway, now that I am older the violence is no where near as bad as it was because my mom obviously realizes that she can't take advantage of me anymore. But there have been occurences where the abuse has been more emotional than physical.
For example, I have now been dating the same guy for 5 years. I remember the first day my boyfriend ever met my mom. We were hanging out outside with my dad when she came stumbling outside yelling my name drunkenly wearing nothing but a bath robe. She came around the corner of the house and her breast were completely exposed for my boyfriend to see. I have never been so humiliated.
My friends also have seen some of her antics but she puts on the "cool mom" mask whenever they come around. They think she's an awesome mom and that her drinking is funny. In fact, my whole high school knew about it.
Now that you know only a few of my stories let me give you a background on my mom because in reality she is not a monster like I have made her sound like. Growing up I do have a couple of happy memories with her. One that always sticks out in my mind is the day when I was in elementary school and she let me play hookie with her and we went to the zoo. We went to our favorite deli and both got sandwich's and drove to the zoo. We sat by the huge, gorgeous lake and ate our lunch and fed the ducks a loaf of bread that we had bought just for them. I am tearing up right now as I tell this story because I miss that mom not the one who fights with me. My family and I also used to travel across the country before my brother was born. I have been to almost every state in the United States and have had amazing experiences. I have had a hundred more incredible experiences. But it seems that a few years after my brother was born everything went downhill and what was already a drinking problem only got worse. My family has a history of drug and alcohol abuse. My moms dad was an alcoholic and we recently found out he is now addicted to Morphine pills. Both of my moms brothers were addicted to drugs. One of them was treated and beat it thankfully, but unfortunately the other lost his life to it. I thank god everyday for my grandma (my moms mom). She never drank or even smoked in her life and I have followed in her footsteps. I have never taken a single puff of a cigarette and have only drank twice in my life due to peer pressure and have sworn to never do it again. I am also thankful for my dad. If it had not been for him and he being able to stop my mom in her rage I do not know what else she would have done to me. Thankfully, my mom has since undergone treatment for alcoholism and has been sober for 2 months now and is doing 100% better and seems to be much happier and 100% less violent.
Now that I have told a group of strangers things that I have never told anybody in my entire life my biggest question is do you think that my mom was abusive towards me. I had never really thought about it until recently and have not been able to find the answers I have been looking for. I am not sure if anybody will read this but if you do please give me your honest opinion. Am I just being paranoid, or was there actual abuse going on? Thank you.
Last edited by Administrator; 11-02-2011 at 09:09 PM.
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Hi, thank you for sharing your life with this forum. Yes, I do think you were physically and emotionally abused and also verbally. I was verbally abused and was spanked a lot when I was a child. I was adopted and a strong-willed child but my dad would spank me to punish me. It was not pleasant but that is what he did. No sexual abuse, thank God. I think you should attend Al-Anon which helps people who have lived with alcoholics and drug addicts and find someone you can share your feelings with. You don't want to end up marrying or having a boyfriend who would abuse you like your mom did. Thank God you had a good father and grandmother. God gave you those two to protect you and help you. I had a good mom but she died when I was 12. I'm so glad your mom has been sober for 2 months. That may bring some healing inside of you and bring you closer. You do need to get help for those emotions you were not able to express when you were younger. I'm sure you were very fearful and full of anxiety. Parents are supposed to protect us, not hurt us. Best wishes to you and keep writing your feelings and find a good support group or friend you can share with.
That does sound as if it was abuse. However, with abuse there is an interesting line that defines what is and what isn't. It does sound to me like these are strong characterists of an abusive person, and these instances definetly seem like abusive situations.
Ultimately though, you are the only person who can truely determine whether or not it was abuse. Glad you are doing well now though, and glad to hear you have such a good connection with you're grandmother. Hope things only continue to get better. <3
Hey there. First of all I want to say I'm so sorry you had to experience the things that you did. Secondly, I want to tell you how lucky you are your mother is still here today. Had it not been for your love for her and others, she would probably still be drinking. SO SO PROUD OF YOU! Way to go!
To answer your question, I believe that you were absolutely abused. Mentally and emotionally, and sometimes physically. Know that the reason people get addicted is because they have experienced their own trauma and drinking, for her.. was the only way she knew how to cope and it seemed to be working. I believe that the alcohol is what abused you. Had she been sober, those occurances probably wouldn't have happened.
I, myself.. have been in 2 abusive relationships and have been having flashbacks recently of abuse from a different person. Even though I know all of these incidents have shaped who I am today.. I have forgiven them already. I know that the only reason(s) they did these things was because they were hurting so much on the inside themselves. I have risen above all these things and have overcome 9 years of severe depression, 9 years of anxiety, as well as suicidal ideations.
I am bigger than the things that have happened to me and I hope you believe the same about yourself! I don't know if you are, but sitting around and thinking about what happened to you is only going to make you feel worse. If you're trying to surface this all so you can deal with it and move on, good for you!
The Following User Says Thank You to megZXZ For This Useful Post:
I too am an adult child of an alcoholic. Unlike your mom, my dad hid it so well that I didn't even realize it until much later in life. The rages, tantrums, "tearing up the house," physical, emotional and spiritual abuse were all there, but hidden from any "outsiders." Back then, there was no internet, and it was still legal to beat your wife and kids. The one time someone called the police, he was told to "keep it down."
I've since learned that my entire childhood and adult life had been centered around his needs. Whatever caused his pain, he used me and the rest of my family to alleviate it. So, that's how I learned to think and be; my pain was nothing compared to his, my feelings did not matter. God forbid I state a need or a feeling.
What most helped was learning that I was not alone. Al-anon taught me that, and to seek more communion with others who had lived similar childhoods. I learned that my entire childhood had been stolen by him, that I had been more of a parent than a child, and that contrary to what he had brainwashed me to believe, none of it was in my control or in any way my fault. I finally learned to believe that when I realized that if I had any control at all, I would have "made" him be a normal, loving dad.
I learned that as my mom stood by and did nothing to get us out of there, all along teaching me how to "keep him calm," she bore responsibility as well. She thought more of her comfort than her children's safety. She was the silent abuser.
I too remember good times, good things they did with us, trips we took, how dad taught me to swim, things both of them taught me. The two ways of being was very confusing. At times, I knew they loved me, though most of the time all I wanted to do was escape them. I hated myself for living. I hated them, loved them, and wore all the blame like an icy blanket.
In short, they were both toxic and selfish, with no regard for their children's well-being. There are really good books on toxic parents, and how to lovingly detach from them. I eventually sought counseling and began to tell my stories.
I learned that my dad's needs and pain were not the center of the universe; I needed help in understanding all that had been denied me in my development. I had been denied a feeling of safety in my own home, knowing that I have feelings and that they matter, knowing how to let people help and love me. It made me strong, but alone and isolated. Anyone who knew me thought I could "fix" anything, and brought "it" to me. Since that was my "normal," I felt "needed." It took me a long time to learn that being needed and being loved are two very different things.
I wish you the best, and pray that you will be gentle with yourself in your quest for health.
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megZXZ (11-10-2011),um Monty (08-20-2012)
Hi. First off I wanna say that you are a strong willed young woman who has chose not follow in your mother's footsteps. Your wanting to know if the events in your life growing up would be considered abuse or not? The answer is YES!!!! whether it be putting you down, demeaning you verbally or putting hands on you it is abuse. no if's and's or but's about it. I think that possibly you already knew the answer to your own ? however possibly wanting confirmation. I could be completley wrong because I dont know you personally. It sounds like there is def resentment and despise of her actions with your younger bro. Being only 20, the events you mentioned are still fresh open wounds.
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Your mom sounds so much like mine, and she too was alcoholic, so was my father. Oddly she also cut a garment of mine with a pair of scissors. I have two thoughts on this topic, I hope one may help in some way. I look back now and realize that my parents had an illness, and the illness made them do things they would not other wise do. The illness is alcoholism. It is certainly no excuse, but somehow it helped me because yes, underneath it all my mom was a wonderful woman. I understood too, my love for her was filled with both positive and negative emotions, anger, adoration, love, hate, and that was OK. To feel that way. No love is plain sailing. But behavior is another matter, and also looking back, I would have made more clear my own boundaries.
Of what I was prepared to put up with and what I was not. Because I spent ten years caring for her, after she had a brain anurism after a drinking binge.
My dad was abusive too, and because of this situation I landed up caring for two very damaged people which in turn damaged my life forever really, as I am now 50.
So I'd say decide you are not your mom's legacy of drinking or illness, your life is your own and you can live it anyway you please. In a happy and well adjusted way. Yes she was abusive, try to forgive her, but also do not put up with it again in the present.
hugs to u
The Following User Says Thank You to JustineX For This Useful Post:
You were completely treated in an abusive and totally inappropriate way.
Alcohol does not excuse this behavior. My mom grew up with an alcoholic mother which I am sure is far, far, far from easy. She took it out on me. Anytime I tried to say that I was a victim or paranoid or whatever.... They say whatever they need to to keep you as their favourite punching bag. I love my mom to bits and she is the greAtest mom and then there's all the things she did and the way she still tries to control me and it's just not right and it took a loving 50 yr old mother like figure of mine to confess too then I felt ashamed and vulnerable and since then I feel like a weight has been lifted. I am 30 now and still have issues but I can only control me and what is acceptable behavior to me and I'm no ones punching bag and will no longer stand for inappropriate behavior.
I would say she was troubled and took that abuse out on you!
My mother is very cold and I sometimes wonder if she showed signs of abuse towards me but I have just accepted that that is the way she is
The things your mother did are very extreme and I can understand how embarrassing they must be but the up side is that you are an adult now and you can control the amount of time you spend with her.. you can keep things civil yet keep a distance between ye! Sorry I dont know if that is any help.. your lucky you have your grandma for support and a kind female figure !!
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