I'm new to this website and will take a quick minute to give you some background info.
I married my first boyfriend we had three boys that Iím very close too. Theyíre great boys and Iím very proud of the men theyíre becoming. Unfortunately, having been 'a couple' since we were 15, my husband and I eventually grew apart and we separated but remained friends.
Four years later, I met and later married a man I thought was my 'soulmate' (and I use this specific term because he literally swept me off my feet and repeatedly called me 'HIS soulmate'). His two children live with us 1/2 the time (every second week).
Now....I hope this doesn't come off as seeming immodest but I want to give a good picture of the type of person I am (or maybe 'was' as I feel defeated now)...
But......I am a financially independent business owner, a professional in law and I'm told; attractive. I have many great friends and a very supportive family that Iím close to (although I had to move to another city to live with my boyfriend/now husband so now donít get to see them as much and miss them).
I tell you all this because....I am the woman who use to read stories about women who live with abusive men and I would think "Why don't they just leave??? I would be gone in a nano-second!!"
Now two years after marrying this man, my life consists of these things on a daily basis....
He failed to tell me and successfully hid the fact that he drinks heavilyÖ.every day. I find hidden empty beer bottles everywhere. I suspect he uses mood-altering drugs too. He often stays up all night on a drinking binge. On a regular basis, heís either drunk, on his way or extremely irritated with a hangover.
He constantly flies into these insane rages (daily) where he blames me for everything that goes wrong in his life. It could be the most trivial thing that sets him off. He literally has kissed me one minute telling me how much he loves me and then threatens to kill me the next. His rages have no rhyme or reason and I never know what to expect, when to expect them or why.
During his rages, he has broken so many of my personal things, punched in walls and destroyed expensive possessions and/or things of sentimental value. He recently busted down the door to our utility room because he left a piece of wood on the other side, it got caught and was stopping the door from opening fully. He then blamed my son for putting the wood there even though I saw him carelessly throw it there himself??
Physically, he has spit on me, kicked me in the stomach when I calmly but firmly confronted him about his anger, has thrown me around, twisted my arms, put bruises on me and has threatened to kill me many times. Once he fell with a beer bottle in his hand and cut it badly; I tried to administer first aid. In his drunken state, he became enraged and wiped his blood all over me. It was eerie. Then he raised his fist to me and friends had to stop him from hitting me. It was so embarrassing and very terrifying.
He calls me horrible names (that I can't repeat), insults me daily and 'punishes' me by ignoring me or ranting for 12 hour periods to me that I donít do enough (no matter how much I do at home and at work), even waking me up in the middle of the night to do this. He has taught his children to disrespect me. His son calls me names, insults me and hits me as well and he is only 12.
He stresses me out by going on spending sprees that leave us in debt that Iím forced to pay. He has taken our home (that I put the down and make the payments on) apart. He announces heís going to Ďrenovateí but never finishes what he starts and the house now canít be sold for what itís worth because of all the unfinished work. He uses this work to force me to do things for him. Heíll say things like, ďIf you want me to put the railing back on your stairs (Iím terrified the kids will fall from the second storey), then you have to (and the list is endless of the chores I have to do; some sexual in nature)Ē. He demands these things be done before he starts and then doesnít keep his promise once Iím finished. Instead, he finds fault with how I did what he asked or adds another thing for me to do first.
If I try to stop these things, fight back or even calmly talk to him, he becomes even more enraged and the threats, punishments, physical and emotional abuse get even worse.
How did this happen?? It crept up so slowly. At first he would apologize and beg me not to leave him and I would give in. I remember the initial shock of one thing and then another but he is now very good at convincing me that itís all my fault. If only I did this right or did more et cetera, then he wouldnít do these things to me.
I walk on egg shells all the time andÖ.I believe him. I keep trying and trying and trying to do the Ďrightí things. But his opinion changes often. What is right today, is horribly wrong tomorrow. He constantly insults my looks although other men are attracted to me. Iím extremely loyal, a good mom and step-mom, a great financial provider and an easygoing, calm person. But stillÖ..I feel confused, beaten down, hopeless and so angry with myself. Iím ashamed to admit that often Iím STILL trying to please him, that his insults do chip away at my self-esteem. Iím a smart lady; top of my classÖ..but I constantly feel so stupid.
I left once for two days. He called me non-stop and begged me to come back. When he finally wore me down, I came home to talk. He was so convincing! He had made an appointment to see an anger management counsellor. He cried and cried and begged me to give him another chance. Iím a kind person and he acted so sincere; I believed him. His Ďchanged personalityí lasted only a week, he went to one counselling session and never went back and now he seems even worse.
He wonít leave the home. He wonít agree to taking over the remaining mortgage which is half of what itís worth now unfinished. Itís a very large executive home in the best neighbourhood. With his construction experience, he could then finish it and sell it at a huge profit for himself .
If I leave, I will have to continue to make the payments on the home because he has already told me that he won't and my immaculate credit rating will be destroyed.
Iím in law so I do know that I can fight him on this but Family Court here is backed up for months and Iím afraid of what heíll do in the meantime. I finally got up the courage to call a Womanís Help Centre and went in for one appointment. My cell phone rang while I was in there. It was him telling me that he knew where I was and it scared me so much that I never went back.
I apologize for such a long post butÖI feel helpless.
I guess Iím hoping for comments from others that will help me get through thisÖ.help me get out of thisÖ.
Hi, I'm so sorry you are going through this difficult situation. You need to leave him and change your phone number and go underground if you can or go to your friends and family and swallow any pride you might have and get some support from those who love you and will protect you. This man is violent and you have seen movies where they will tell you to come back and then will kill you. I hope you reach out to someone who can help you. You are a battered wife and you need outside help to keep you strong emotionally and mentally and away from this man. If your credit is bad, so be it. If you lose the house, at least you are alive. Do you want to die young? I'm sorry to be so blunt but he will not change and do not believe anything he says whether good or bad. This man is a danger to you and to his sons. Please take care of yourself.
The Following User Says Thank You to renko For This Useful Post: StepfordWife (12-09-2011)
Thank you, Renko. I know you're right but it's a little more complicated than that.
I live in a small city where everyone knows everyone. If I don't fight him legally, he will be awarded spousal support because my income is so much more than his. I will be paying him thousands of dollars monthly until he re-marries, if ever.
When I met him he had a good job. He quit shortly thereafter claiming he wanted to work with me however he rarely showed up for work and when he did, he smelled of beer. Recently when he quit for the millionth time, I took his word for it and didn't allow him back in. That was a nightmare emotionally but I stood firm and he finally found another job. It was in construction (which he is very good at). He seemed to love this job and I thought things might settle down. My stress level went down once I didn't have to worry about him ruining my business. Within a couple of weeks, he was screaming at me in the mornings because it was raining and he had to go to work.
With what I'd have to pay him, pay for the house he won't leave and pay for a new place to live, I won't survive financially. And....two of my boys are in school too. I feel so trapped...
Last edited by Administrator; 12-09-2011 at 10:36 PM.
I was in an abusive marriage for 5 years so I understand the emotional and physical pain you are going through. Whereas I had nothing of financial value to lose, I ended up losing a son when I finally got away. He is 10 now and his father has went through huge changes like quitting drinking, anger management (he finally completed the classes), and nurturing father classes (which helped immensely). All this was only after I filed for custody with cause and had a chance of winning. He is now a reformed man and I pray every day for my sons sake he stays that way. I will never forget the pain he cause me and my oldest daughter though, she is permanently emotionally damaged due to his abuse.
I have a few questions though. Does the mother of his children know about his issues? Does she know this is what he is teaching his children? Would she testify to his behavior in court? Would he accept, perhaps a large cash settlement to leave? I know my ex would have, had I had the resources to offer it. Have you confided to anyone that would testify for you if you were to request a order of protection? If you were to have these things, does your state have a fault clause where he would get nothing due to his actions towards you during your marriage? Or if he is committing adultery? A private investigator can be an abused woman's best friend! Even if he or she were just to do an investigation of your home life to provide proof to a judge.
Just some ideas I had. Maybe one of them will help. If nothing else, know there is someone out here praying for you because she has been there and it is hell on earth when you are betrayed so severely by someone you thought would bring you happiness. Take care and may God bless you and protect you! - Lissa
Wow that is a lot that your going through. I want to tell you first that people only do to you what you allow them to do to you. There is no reason why anybody should be treated this way. I know its hard and you probably love him (because you wouldnt be there if you didnt) but you need to love yourself more. What do you think this is doing to your children??
I have been in an abusive relationship before and trust me when I tell you I know its not easy at all to get out of it but its possible!! I know you have these fears of not being well off after or having to pay him spousal support are holding you back but dont let them!! When I decided to get out of my situation I was young and had nothing but a baby! I was on the street but I rather had been there than in the situation I was in. I found help and got my son and I on our feet and doing well. You are in a much better situation than I was as a young girl and I know if I did it you can!! dont let anything hold you back from living a happy life! you need to get out of this situation as soon as possible! You need to understand that you are the victim and you indeed hold the power. Call the cops the next time he hits you! file reports on him. Get him out the house.
I know you hold the power because you told me that when you left for 2 days he was begging you! cant you see you have the power??? DONT let him do this to you. He will be losing way more than you will by you leaving! You say you have a supportive family. Let them know whats going on and let them be there to support you along this long emotional journey. I will tell you this You have to be strong!! stick to your guns! Dont live like this another day! You deserve to be happy you only have one life and you should make the best of it. Dont let this man or any other person make your world a miserable one. I hope that my advise has helped you and I really wish you the best in live
The Following User Says Thank You to missy1983 For This Useful Post: Looking4aAnswer (02-25-2012)
I understand how fearful you are in this situation, financially and emotionally. Does his ex-wife know how he is treating his sons? Does she have any contact with them? Police and the State can help you with some of this situation. I was verbally abused and emotionally too and it is really hard to get strong but get around and share with your family or those who will support you. Please don't let fear allow you to be a victim of his abuse. It is not only you he is hurting but the children too and if they don't get help they will turn out like their father and abuse other women in their lives. Best wishes.
Consider this, when you are at work, during a break on lunch, or just finishing, contact your home ownership company, and just double check who's name is on the documentation, if it is yours alone, you have the right to have the police remove him from the property, and also file a warrant for his arrest if he comes within 100ft or more of you, this might seem to be extreme measures but, I can imagine your life would be so much easier without him in your way. And as for his, son... If you could call him that, abusing you, that is just wrong. Maybe he manipulates his son just the way he does with you.
Provide him no more favours, the guy is a freeloading dirtbag, abusing you to get what he wants FOR FREE? Really? He's basically, robbing a bank, in broad daylight, and worst of all? It's legal, AND It's YOUR BANK! Don't stand for it.
Contact the police, have him removed from your property, seperate from him if you want, ensure that he cannot be near you, ensure that you have something to go on giving you enough time, and comfort to yourself, take control of him. Let him know without you, he is nothing. Without you, he has nowhere to go, nothing to eat. I dont know, perhaps, don't pay for the bills for one week? Really show him who's the boss. But, don't get yourself hurt of course.
You know, it's people like you, in the world who I truly feel for. I hate the fact, that on a daily basis there are partners, EVERYWHERE being abused, and there is nothing done about it.
So, I know I have not been much help to you, but in my oppinion, I think once you have done paying off this mortgage, you should get your rearend out of their and high-tail it to where your loved ones are. Be with them, take out the trash and bring in the gold.
I have been in your situation. I am free now, for many years.
I'm trying to remember what kept me trapped. Mainly it was embarrassment, and I thought I had nowhere to go, no one in whom I could confide, and no one who could out-fox him.
I was wrong.
He was a narcissistic psychopath who self-medicated with alcohol and drugs. The only time he could feel anything was when he was hurting someone else. The easiest time for him to achieve orgasm was by first inflicting pain. He didn't want to go to jail, so he had to have a victim he could control, so he married her - me.
Like you, I had no idea he was an alcoholic before we were married. He was charming, supportive, and full of lies about his means before we married. "His" vehicle belonged to his friend. "His" house was his aunt's. He didn't own his own business, and he was non-violent before we married.
He started breaking the news to me on our wedding night. Long story short, I ended up being beaten, raped and nearly killed. For four years. My first new vehicle was gone, I had left college, and I never knew where the next meal would come from, or where I might be sleeping.
I was amazed daily by his ability to predict behavior. Think of it this way - when you train a dog, it is easy to predict what that dog will do. It is really that simple. If I stepped out of my "training," I was punished. I managed to get a job as a check-out in a large grocery, and he would watch me through the front windows. I never knew when he was watching, but as I was his bank (thank you Phil J), he needed to keep me scared of him.
He wasn't so smart. It was his "job" to watch and predict people, to learn which ones might be useful or vulnerable to his training methods.
The decent people around me could see so much more than I thought I revealed. As incredible as it might sound, I continued to believe his lies about different situations he would describe to me, including those about the decent people who might help me, while he was saying how evil they were, how they had "harmed" him in some way, how they would be against me, too, because I was his wife.
Yes. If you seek help, you will need to say why you need help out loud, to the decent people with whom you have contact. Yes. It will be embarrassing, but that is only because right now, you feel responsible for your husband. You must realize that he is NOT your problem, and HIS behavior is HIS shame, NOT YOURS. That you were victimized by him does not reflect on your character. YOU MUST STOP OWNING HIS BAD BEHAVIOR.
Are you an active alcoholic? Have you done violence to others? Have you destroyed personal possessions of value? If the answers are NO, then YOU ARE NOT GUILTY. Sure, your heart, possessions, spirit and life were bonded to this criminal, but you bonded to a fraud. It is time to reclaim your life.
Remember, he is a drunk. Think how little sense he makes when he is drunk. If you are not drinking, it will be easy to out-fox him, if you separate your mis-placed loyalty from him, and return it to yourself.
Me? I stopped fighting his drinking, and let him get picked up by the police, and boo-hoo, had no money to bail him out. IT'S NOT YOUR JOB TO BAIL HIM OUT.
If you are more worried about paying him alimony than you are about reclaiming your freedom, then you will remain imprisoned with him. Think about fighting the alimony with documentation. STOP supporting him NOW, so that there is no income to claim. What are you willing to do to get free? What if you had only a menial income, and a menial place to live, no assets, because they were squandered by the drunk you married? Is it possible that you can no longer afford to keep the house? Is that a picture that could honestly be painted in court? Why not? What would he get then?
With counseling after the divorce, couldn't you return to your true self, so currently devastated by the emotional, physical and financial traumas you have suffered living with him?
Is it possible that your mother/father/sister/brother now needs a large marital contribution gifted to them, to help them with some dire situation?
It is so easy to out-fox a drunk. Must be dozens of ways. THINK.
And, keep no documentation at home. Think secure pc, secure storage - maybe a family member will lend you a safety deposit box, and rental unit.
Is his name listed on the property as an owner? Or is it solely listed under one person? My next step would be to obtain a restraining order and with your colleagues, you'd have support on that. It sounds like he has issues that he isn't willing to address and once you move to a different location with the restraining order in effect, it may make things a little less stressful when it comes to the legal steps for complete closure. I haven't read the other posts yet, but would it be possible to stay with family? Or are you concerned about having them involved? You can get through this and think positive.