I really need help with this problem, A problem that I created. I was diagnosed with herpes about 4 years ago and wasn't told much about it at the time only that I would have it for life. I couldn't do any research at the time . I met my now husband a year later and on our third date had unprotected sex. I failed to tell him that I had the disease, as I have an ability to push all bad things to the back of my head. Can you believe that when I started dating him it didn't even come into my head. How does that happen?
When I tol him about it he was furious and crying. I felt ashamed disgusted and so guilty. All deserved I know. He decided to stay with me be cause he said he had it now anyway, but everytime we argued he would call me disgusting things and say I have a dirty you know what. I tAke it because I think I deserve it. The abuse stopped for a while but now it has gotten worse again but he's angry that we don't have enough sex anymore. He gets furious when we both get sores cause that is another thing stopping us from having sex. But what is happening now is that all the disgusting things he has been calling me for so long and the disgusting things he's been saying about my private areAs has resulted in a low sex drive on my part.
I'm getting really depressed now because i think the only reason he stays with me is because he couldn't face having to tell someone else, which I don't blame him for. I don't know what to do anymore it's like a vicious circle. He's arguing with me because we get sores and can't have sex which results in the name calling and by the time we can have sex I don't want to because I feel disgusting. Is this just what I deserve?
It took bravery to post your request, and I appreciate that. But within that post is a deep denial that has nothing to do with your husband's choices, but yours.
I don't think you will get love and honesty from him until he gets them from you. Your ongoing denial treats him like he deserves ongoing betrayal.
I'm not saying that you deserve on-going emotional abuse. Neither does he.
I think you owe it to him, and to yourself, to think about why you did what you did, and be able to discuss it without blaming him for your choices. He deserves an honest conversation about it, but that means that you have to take ownership of your actions. With something this serious, not doing the work to gain insight into your behavior is not acceptable.
Please understand that I'm not saying you have to accept his negative behavior, or that you should negatively self-talk. I'm asking you to understand and be honest with yourself, before you try to "fix" him.
Last edited by Administrator; 02-05-2012 at 03:21 AM.
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to AverageUser For This Useful Post: 010081 (02-13-2012), Ohura36 (04-13-2012)
If i was you i would have told him before you gave it to him, i know its a hard topic to bring up, but thats how the disease spreads in the first place. But on the other hand you dont have to sit there and take his abuse, good luck
ok you failed to tell him and he now has hsv. you were wrong . But how long are you suppose to be punished for this? I think you be punished enough
He is abusing you. He is a abuser and often verbal abuse turns physical.
The truth here is even if you two did not have hsv he would still say abusive things to you.
next time he says those nasty things about you tell him he is also whatever the terms he uses
He must agree to seek help thru counseling about his abusive behavior or you need to leave
This sounds awful for you both. I feel you both are causing yourselves great despair & mental anguish. I honestly can't imagine how or why, seeing as how this is the reality you both need to cope with, this hasn't been accepted. I think once you both can accept & forgive, you can find time to love & help each other instead of causing more harm. Showing concern for each other's well-being & looking for alternative medicines, medication, salves, etc, could be a good doorway to facing this together.
Secondly, the blaming and anger needs to stop. It won't solve anything, it doesn't make either of you better. You made a mistake. He made a choice. He chose you. He didn't choose the virus. He still has a choice. He can choose love & forgiveness. I think that takes more bravery than not dealing with the issue.
Lastly, stress and anxiety are triggers for outbreaks, am I correct? Not only that, simply stated, you both are at risk for more health problems created by stress alone. Try establishing a positive attitude, start small, like finding healthy things you can enjoy doing together like going for evening walks, cooking, researching alternatives, as I mentioned before. Face it together, already. It can't be undone.... but, your minds sure can be.
~lots of love and peace ~
Last edited by Ohura36; 04-16-2012 at 08:58 AM.
Reason: posting rules, removed personal identifying information
The gift that keeps on giving. Well not much to add, a little birdie on my shoulder knows someone close to me in the same shoes, w/o the vulgar name calling. Abuse if that's what you want to call it happens once in a while, but usually comes to a head when she denies him sexual gratification even though there are other avenues of gratification. Intercourse isn't the only one. Occasionally she gets one on her lip, or down below. She too failed to mention till it was too late. But always when she stresses out and it lasts for about 10 days. There is a pill (prescribed drug) that can be taken that will suppress the frequency of outbreaks its spelled Valacyclovir. Don't ask how I know that. It definitely helps.