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Old 02-05-2012, 11:39 AM   #1
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Question Am I being abused? Need help identifying this, desperate for help.

Let me try to make this into a short story instead of a novel.

I'm married and yesterday was our one year wedding anniversary.

Background: I am 25 and grew up in a home where I have two good parents as people, but horrible as parents together. My mom is an alcoholic and drug addict who is now in the court system after destroying her life with pain killers and stealing from others. She is a beautiful woman, used to be extremely successful in business but can't get past her demons. I'm very similar to her in personality and have always watched myself when it comes to the chance of becoming addicted to anything. My dad is someone who was stuck marrying my mom because he got her pregnant on accident. They hate each other but love one another in a sick way. They have the sickest of all relationships I've ever seen.

Because of my horrific upbringing that included a lot of abandonment and verbal/emotional abuse, I was always the perfect child. I was valedictorian in a large, reknown high school. I was all state in music and sports. I basically worked myself like a dog in all activities to ensure my escape from my home. It worked! I have been out of college for three years and have a very successful career that most people, let alone 25 years, would love to have. Im thankful everyday to God and those who helped me because I know it was through Him that I was given what it takes to escape my situation. And thankful to those who guided and supported me along the way.

That being said, I met my husband 4 years ago during my senior year of college. I can admit that I'm an emotional dependent. I am independent in many ways but have always seemingly needed someone to love and love me in return. My husband is great in many ways. When we met I was so impressed with his good looks, intelligence, charm, kindness, and wit. He really does have it all in many situations. He has a great job and everyone who he meets really likes him. He is a little more on the quiet side but it worms it perfectly since I am outgoing and more talkative. So many people envy what they see and wish they could find a person that suits them as well as they see us. But if they only knew...

When our relationship began I always had this feeling that it was too good to be true. My then boyfriend loved me from the beginning (we fell in love fast), showered me with gifts and dates, had long and deep talks with me all the time. I trusted him and felt he was/still is my soulmate.

About two months after dating I saw a side I hated. We were at dinner one night and somehing I said that was so small really ****** him off. He said something so ugly and down ring dirty to me that I was flabbergasted. I had been in a couple relationships that I considered bad, but even those guys didn't say horribly ugly things to me and call me names. In fact, in a relationship prior the guy called me a ***** once when he was really mad (I probably deserved it ha) and I remember being so hurt. Anyway, my husband then proceeded to not talk to me the rest of the dinner and I reciprocated. I was trying to push down the lump and not cry. We got to the car and that's when the screaming began. Wlell he did. In short, I can say that he has a history of anger issues that I never knew about which is why he seemed to good t be true...he was. Any girl would fawn over him until they found him out. I was different though..I could stick with him and support him to change. After all, some of the stuff I endured as a child made this seem like cake.

Fast forward to today. Looking back I can say that he honestly made some huge changes and worked on himself for the better. I will not take that from him. Our fights have gone from being world wars to now just being more like a civil war. Still painful but the damage done is much less.

So we married, had a pretty good first year of marriage by most standards. Career success, new home, fun trips, etc. But my problem is this. As I feel I continue to grow, he seems to continue with the way he abuses me verbally when we fight. When we are normal (I define that as not fighting) I am the most beautiful, smart, amazing, kind etc etc woman he has ever met and he does show me respect. But if I do say one wrong thing on a bad day I am a <every name in the book>, a loser with no friends, a bad daughter, a bad friend, selfish, ignorant, etc. Basically he takes the worst things he can think that will hurt me and says them. I'm to a point where I feel those things really stopped but now they're coming back.

Maybe someone will read it all and offer advice. My husband Isn't all bad, he does amazingly sweet things all the time. He is a good person but I feel he has major issues. I don't know what to do anymore, i feel defeated. There are more good times than not but I dread anything that is of importance (think weddings, birthdays, holidays) because I know it will be ruined somehow.

Ok...so help? Thanks in advance. It means so much.

Last edited by Administrator; 05-27-2012 at 09:05 PM.

 
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Old 02-11-2012, 06:31 AM   #2
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Re: Am I being abused? Need help identifying this, desperate for help.

Hello ElleGee,

It seems that your husband isn't all bad; just when it counts the most.

Eventually the "good times" will be overshadowed by the bad,as it seems to be a viscious cycle.

The celebratory times that married couples relish are tarnished by insults and bickering.

This sort of abuse wears a person down until all that is left will be resentments shared.

Might I suggest counseling sessions for the two of you? Maybe an impartial "referee" of sorts will be able to shed further light on your situation.

Life is too short and I am concerned that your self esteem is being/has been compromised.

I understand that he has gotten help but it doesn't seem to be enough.

To have to dread "rainy" days is one thing but when you see yourself doing the same for the sunny ones, it's time to take a serious look at things.

Respectfully stated,
Phoenix
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Old 02-12-2012, 04:29 PM   #3
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Re: Am I being abused? Need help identifying this, desperate for help.

Hi ElleGee.

If your best friend told you that her husband treats her the way yours treat you what would you say to her?

His former girlfirends left him for a reason.

He is verbally abusing you.
He has hit you(only once) but it will happen again.

If you want to save your marriage then I'd suggest couples counciling.(although counciling hasn't helped your husband so far) maybe you need a different counciler.

Please don't stay until you have no self respect left. He needs to either get help or you seperate until he has proved himself to you.

Take care of yourself first.

(((Hugs)))

~Belle~

 
Old 02-14-2012, 12:16 PM   #4
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Re: Am I being abused? Need help identifying this, desperate for help.

Please do not have children with this man. I was verbally abused and emotionally talked to very harshly and criticized for everything I did. It was so frustrating and I cried so much. The first year I thought I should leave but my friend said to stick it out. I did and a year later I was pregnant. Don't go through this each day trying to appease him and walking on eggs. He needs help or medication. You both need counseling and realize you are a co-dependent. I finally got out of my marriage after 9 years of so much anger that I wanted to hurt my husband but didn't think I wanted to spend the rest of my life in jail. So please get help. You have too much going for you and you can live independently from him. He will con, beg and coerce you to stay but you have to get some good friends who will support you and help you to be strong. No one in any relationship should be abused physically, mentally or emotionally. Men are to treat their wives with respect but if they don't respect themselves then they can't love and respect you. Tell someone and let this secret out in the light and get help. It is up to you.

 
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Old 02-14-2012, 05:23 PM   #5
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Re: Am I being abused? Need help identifying this, desperate for help.

i have an ex who broke my nose ribs collar bone it started the same way first verbal and worse after that. i didnt stop until i left. seen the crying begging pleading promiseing to stop get help time and time again. it was years after i would have dreams about him and wake up shaking and crying. it has lasting effects mentaly and emotionaly it leaves deep scars. think about yourself. you will always have you. god bless

 
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Old 04-26-2012, 05:28 PM   #6
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Re: Am I being abused? Need help identifying this, desperate for help.

He is an abuser. You don't have to stay with him. It usually just gets worse.

 
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