I am new to this site and i am posting as now i am so desperate to change the way my life is and i have no idea what to do so hoping for some opinions and maybe advise..
I'll try to explain a complicated situation as short as possible..
Me and my partner have been together for nearly six years and we have two children, five and nearly four. We met at work in a small company where he was the MD and i was the secretary (yes, how original). As soon as we went on a date, he was very serious and said that we were now a couple and after three months he asked me to move in with him as that would be financially benefiting me (i was in my mid twenties and he was fourty and very successful) I also fell pregnant then (but didn't find out till a few weeks later)
I am scandinavian (id been in the UK for two years for 'adventure') and he is British.
Just before my due date with no 1 i started feeling very homesick as i had all my friends and family back home and asked if we could try it but he said No and that i had to take responsibility for my own decisions as we met in London. (he was at this stage unemployed) As we never discussed UK vs Scandi i decided to 'forget' my homesickness and try to make it work in the UK.
From day one he had been very 'protective' of me and says things like 'i want to be looked after' and at first it seemed quite romantic but i always felt a bit overwhelmed with his enthusiasm - he was also very quick to pick up on my insecurities and i felt he picked on me a lot for minor things and god forbid id spill anything etc then id get an earful of his anger..'youre so disorganised', 'you dont look after things well' etc etc..Being a typical scandi girl and very independent i found this very hard and having to live off a man was very hard ( i lost my job when they found out we were dating and pregnant, he also had to leave)
I always told him that he gets too angry too quickly and that he was picking in me too much but i was always told 'i am too sensitive', i am trying to pick a fight with him or he is just trying to help me get thicker skin (referring to my dad being an alcoholic so i MUST be a mess and no wonder so he's being very understanding....i was fiine though till i met him)
He also started being very controlling with money - At first very generous then when i was getting monthly household money (i was in charge of all food and household stuff, clothes for me and kids, my phone bill, childcare, bday presenst etc) and demanded id keep every receipt and even made an excel spreadsheet for me to add all receipts to under different categories and sub catergories and to show him sometimes on a weekly basis and sometimes on a monthly basis. Hed also ask to go through my bank statements so he could see where the money goes..
His excuse is that this is normal in all relationships and that he is just doing it to help me get better with money. Doesnt feel normal though.
Four months after i gave birth, we fell pregnant again and had to move out of London and as my homesickness and isolation was getting worse, i asked him if we could please try scandi (also because i would get a very good paid job there that would make a difference to how we'd work financially as a couple) but he said it was never going to happen. we met in London so i have to stay here. We then moved to the other side of the UK to be closer to his family (still unemployed and living off his savings etc) but as i gave birth to no 2 he started working in another city and was never home. My youngest had lactose intolorance and didn't sleep for the first 4 months (he could be up feeding/screaming for four to five hrs in one go at night) and looking after my 17 month old as well, i was knackered, i didn't make any friends and we never saw his family so i was so unhappy and started getting ill all the time. I had tonsilitis to-three times a month. After a year there we then moved to the city he worked (after another NO about scandi and weekly bad rows about my unhappiness). we did get to know some nice neighbour and i did join mum groups etc but still felt numb with tiredness and unhappiness so even if i made an effort to make it work, my heart would always tell me this isn't right.. He lost his job there and has been unemployed since (two years) and i still ask about scandi and one of my arguments is that when he has got no job, hes got nothinkg to lose but i am just being selfish, greedy and all sorts.
I ahve no problmes understanding how hard it must be to be the only breadwinner but this is why id like to try scabdi as i would ahve a significnt salary and he wouldmnt be on his own..here in the UK it won't even cover the childcare and my hrs would be long + we have no support network (he is a typical London businessman so he would never 'lower' his standard)
Whenever we argue, i am always called names that i cannot mention here that are not just ugly, horrible names but also shows that he has some bitterness towards me for a reason that is beyond me. I will be called a ..... freeloader for example as i have the guts to take household money off him every month.
The names can go on and on...
After 18 bouts of tonsilits in 10 months and countless rows i decided id had enough and told him im leaving - Then he just went mad and said i could ****** off, he doesnt care but no chance od take the children ith me...i went out for a couole of hrs to calm down and when i came back, hed gone out and taken me and our childrens passports fom my wardrobe and sent them off to his mother...
I have begged him to go to couples counselling for four years but he has always said not needed as we dont have problems..anyway, he now agreed to it..couple of days after this i got ill again but this time my temp went up seriously high and (like always) id be lying on the floor feeding the children as too ill to stand up..even if he is unemployed (hed be in his study looking for work for ten hrs a day so too busy to help)...anyway, he always gets really annoyed when im ill and this time i told him somethings not right and i think im going to faint..he just called me a hypocodriac, slammed the door and left me to bath the children...two hrs later i was taken away in an ambulance and kept in hospital for two weeks with pneumonia and kidney infection
Couples counselling has not done any good and she picked up on emotional abuse and financial control but i still felt it was minimized..anyway, she referred me to a groups session and i go on a weekly basis (in secret) which i find very helpful..although i am struggling to think of this as abuse o do definately think this is not how a relationship should be like...I am desperate to leave him but he will just tell me how selfish i am for ripping the family to pieces and for not thinking of our children ( i feel that is what i am doing though as i dont think they will be benefiting from a relationship like this) and how ungrateful i am etc etc..
Sorry, this is sooo long..it just felt good to get it out without actually talking to someone...
Ple, if you have any advise, opinions or anything to share regarding this..please do so. i am at my witts end and have noone else to talk to..
(Ps: he also proposed 5 months in to the relationship and said he wanted to get married soon...still waiting..not that i want it now though)