looking for advice and support
Last weekend in a pretty intense conversation with two friends about our past histories with mental illness the subject of abuse came up, and for pretty much the first time ever I shared that I believe that I was abused as a kid. Fortunately my friends are amazing and were totally supportive. While I felt shame and fear internally I felt totally safe in the conversation with them. My greatest fear in the moment was that they would no longer want to talk to me and yet they both treated me after the same as before, a huge relief.
Since then I have felt empowered to deal with this instead of running from it. I have been researching about being an adult survivor of child abuse and trying to determine what next steps to take. I'm here on this board because I'm looking for advice and support.
I'm still in that place where I'm oscillating between believing this happend to me and denying it. My biggest problem is that I don't really have any memories of abuse, just lots of signs, like:
When we were children my sister and I would play "slave" which involved getting naked and tying each other up
We would have out barbies have sex with each other, and not just the adult ones with each other but the adult ones with the kid barbies as well
Now that I'm an adult I have a strong attraction to bondage/humiliation sex
The only "memory" I have is really a flashback/dissociation that happend once when I was having sex and I suddenly felt like I was a little girl again and that I was outside of my body while someone else was having sex on top of me. For me this isn't evidence enough and I keep vacillating between believing it's a real memory/flashback and believing that I'm crazy and just made it all up for some sick reason.
Which leads me to my most pressing question. What do I do now? I want to run away and not believe it, but the panic I feel when I do research or talk about it makes me feel that there is something there that needs to be dealt with. I am willing to go into therapy but have three big concerns: 1. false memories, 2. entering with no set goals, 3. getting overwhelmed, anxious, depressed and then suicidal.
Has anyone ever been in therapy for this before? Did it/is it working out? Thanks ahead of time for the feedback.