My husband and I have been together over 10yrs. I don't know why I do what I do...Same cycle,back and fourth(I am trying to mack a long,long story shorter) I meant him and he never really went out of his way for me~but,I moved in with him and left a good job ended up listening to his verbal meanness loosing my confidence,lost job,sick alot,but,I stayed with him. I was in car accident twice in one yr,other drivers faults~Police reports stated this as well. My husband blamed me anyway stating I should not have been driving at that time of day~He left me not long ago 10 miles from home in the dark of night,rain storm,with no cell phone,to walk home~I had just found out I have Hepatitis C,as well~he knew all of this~when I got home he was in the t.v room,feet up watching a game and drinking a beer. I was soaked. He is so cruel . I am leaving,again. This time I tell myself it is for good. It feels like it is,too.
But,it always feels like this. His whole family thinks he is a great guy and I am aweful. He was arrested on night years ago because I called the police when he woulld not stop choking my dog because he was drunk~He ended up with a abuse record and they all have no idea...He is also s heavy drinker. I am intelligent. I know I deserve better.
I don't want him. I don't love him. I am humilated just writing these things out and admitting I let him do this and WENT BACK for more! What is wrong with me? I am so ANGRY at him too! I want to write a letter and copy it and send it out to every member of his family after I leave him~ he has a huge family and they have no idea who the real man is...
Thanks for reading...
I feel so bad for you, and I hope you'll find help so that you can decide exactly how to deal with this unhappy situation. Do you have children?
do you have sisters, brothers, etc. with whom you can talk about your problems?
I really don't think that relating all this to his family members will help anything, since they would probably blame you because of loyalty to him.
I went through a long period of verbal abuse in my marriage but stayed with my husband because of the children; plus, he could be very kind at times, and I had very low self-esteem.
You shouldn't stay in a marriage which makes you unhappy. Try to see a counsellor so that you can sort all this out and decide what measures you should take to make your life better. It's not easy, I know, but then nothing ever is!! Good luck!!! Mabent
The following user gives a hug of support to mabent: Phoenix (04-16-2012)
I was trying so hard to make my message short,short. Everything both 'poster's' had to say is correct and things I have thought of before. I have to ad,in my husband favor~just so I am painting a fair and clear picture~(although I would be surprised if anyone changed their thoughs,opinions.) My husband will do the same thing as most abusive men,in that he will turn cheek and be extremely nice at some point after a bad 'bout that we have had~that is what makes me do this flip/flop~which I think is the problem for most woman of abuse. "Man beats you up~Man than brings gifts/love" over,over.
No,if he gave me NO emotion it would be easy to walk away. I am leaving and hope this is it. I feel like it is,I really do!
Oh,I do not have children~I have German Shepherds!(smile) I am a certified K9 Trainer*of all things~huh~Go figure~
The following user gives a hug of support to augustvon: Phoenix (04-16-2012)
First of all, I am so so very sorry that you have put up with this you know what for so long. I know all about verbal abuse because I was in a terrible relationship for 13 years. We met in high school and I spent almost all of my 20's with this man. I left a great job just like you did and gave up all my friends because he wasn't happy that I talked to other people or tried to have any life outside of him. His drinking got worse also. I wanted so badly for him to change but finally I realized that I needed to change. I don't know what clicked exactly but I can tell you that I didn't feel strong until I made friends with a coworker. I finally got another job (although it was retail and not as glorious as the job that i left). I just wanted a way to make some kind of money so I took whatever job I could find. If at all possible, make your own money...don't depend on a man like this if at all possible. It is always good for women to try to make their own money in life (I've learned this the hard way). If you have any family at all that you can turn to then do that NOW. I know all about how his family thinks that he is wonderful. Just know that they are kidding themselves and they are blinded. Don't worry about what they think of him. It doesn't matter at the end of the day. Hun, just remember how short life really is. Before you know it life is gone. He is making your life terrible. Do you really want to put yourself through all of this with him? Having an illness requires support from people who love you. He is only going to bring you down down down.
You will have a final straw with this man. You'll know when that day finally comes. I would say I was leaving many times in the past and then end up going right back. I ended up playing down all his verbal abuse. I would end up blaming myself and I felt like I didn't deserve to be happy. One day I just saw how quickly life passes by and I knew I wanted to be loved. Don't put yourself through all this. Try to find a way to get out and soon. I wish you all the luck in the world. Try to keep looking forward and remember how short life really is. Don't let it pass you by. You'll regret it and you wont have any time left to fix it if you stay with this man.
The following user gives a hug of support to MarJol: Phoenix (04-17-2012)
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to MarJol For This Useful Post: num1laur (04-05-2012), Phoenix (04-17-2012)
(((BIG HUGS))). I'm sorry you're going through this. Is there a place you can go and stay for a while? A womans shelter?
When you leave this time please stay gone. 10 MILES? You had to walk 10 MILES??? that alone speaks volumes about his feelings for you..he loves himself and there is no room for anyone else..god knows what could have happened to you out in the dark and rain.
Please take care and keep us posted.
The Following User Says Thank You to BelleoftheSouth For This Useful Post: Phoenix (04-17-2012)
You poor thing. Having been a victim of abuse mentally and physically by an EX partner,i can totally relate to you. Firstly let me tell you, dont involve his family. I made the mistake of telling my ex's family about him and instead of listening to me, they turned on me even more. Walk away and have satisfaction that your out of the relationship. Your worth soo much more than being verbally abused. I wish you all the luck in the world x
I feel for you and your situation and I realize that there are self esteem issues at play here.
Please try to remember that you matter and his "on again, off again" antics aren't fooling anyone.
You deserve so much more;a better situation,which will help to nurture you towards emotional well being.
His issues with himself are evident and he seems to b taking the frustrations out on you.
It is not your job to be his stepping stool or his whipping post;your only job was to love him unconditionally but in a way that is healthy for you.
From what you state,there is no room for compromise or change,so PLEASE distance yourself from this man,as no possible good can come from the two of you staying together(other than massaging his ego at your expense).
Please keep us posted and know that you are amongst friends here.
When in doubt, post it out.
The Following User Says Thank You to Phoenix For This Useful Post: BelleoftheSouth (04-17-2012)
I want to encourage you to please leave, for yourself. I had to do that too. I went back 4 times, but each was worse. When I finally left, I was put in a women's shelter. I was a college teacher and wondered if I could even get a hamburger job. That final step is not easy at the moment, but you step through the doors to freedom to be you, to find you, to love you, to smell the fresh air. It happens. He will apologise, do anything, sort of, to get you back. But you must just stay in the moment and take one step at a time away. Please use decision and not feelings. It helps. I really really feel for you.
The following user gives a hug of support to amai: Phoenix (04-25-2012)
Don't you DARE blame yourself for this. Abusers are master manipulators. They are adept at getting their partner to come back over and over again. You carry NO blame in this at all.
I stayed with my abuser for 24-1/2 years. I had four children with him. I gave up medical school because he said he would divorce me after I was accepted. I had to drop out of graduate school because he refused to continue to pay for it.
LEAVE. Call 1-800-799-SAFE. They will help you leave safely. You do not have to live this way. Frankly one-fourth of women who stay with abusers die. Don't let this happen to you.
I know that you want his family to understand what was really going on. Forget it. They're not going to believe anything you say anything. Talking to them is just keeping you enmeshed in feeling that you have to prove that you didn't do anything wrong. And if they tell him, you will likely get even more injured. Call the number. Please save your life. I've been out for 15 years and life is wonderful on the other side of abuse. My children are now grown and all are thriving. I have a husband who loves me and wants nothing more than for me to be happy.