i am looking for someone to point us in the right direction! my girlfreind can have irratic behaviour towards myself or the kids sometimes its like when we get close she pushes us away.
she also usually abuses alcohol on saturdays to which she says she forgets all her problems but she only does it on a sat.
we have been together a few years and she tried to drink drive last night i was at the end of my tether and told her i was leaving for good.
she has sat down and broke down to which she has explained she was touched by someone close when she was 11 and has a lack of trust everywhere and she can not get rid of it in head. She is wanting help to deal with this and i will be there through every step. can someone help point us in the right direction
thanks even just for reading
The following user gives a hug of support to stu1985:
Coming out and telling you is a terrific step. That genie won't go back in the bottle, so it is out there for her to deal with (with your support). A therapist is the best idea, there are lots who specialize in childhood traumas and abuse. Once she is in therapy, she may not want to discuss it with you very much (this is pretty common), so follow her lead in this. If she does talk to you, just listen, hear her and don't try to fix anything, or "cheer her up". My sister went through this and it was hard because her partner at the time kept up with the "It's all in the past, just don't think about it". Luckily you don't sound anything like that. Talking or writing about it will be very useful, especially when she finds how common it is and she is not alone. There some wonderful strong survivors on the board, and I am sure that some will be responding. All the best, Sera
Hi stu first of all I would like to say your support and not judging you partner will be immeasurable. I myself have been through this (from age 4 to 13) so please tell her she is not alone. I had compete memory block about the person and circumstances until about 10 years ago (I am now in my late 30's) once I remembered the details i suffered severe panic attacks and became very self destructive. I did not trust anyone (even my husband) around my children, things became impossible to handle after another 2 years I eventually found the courage and told my husband about my childhood. He encouraged me to get in touch with a crisis support centre and i started having one to one counselling. After a few years I felt able to report my abuser to the police and he was questioned and arrested, I was asked if I wanted to go through with the prosecution and I said I did. Sadly he died before it got to court, I felt very angry like he had got away with it, again. I decided to contact the criminal injuries board who investigated the case. I received compensation ( this is not why I contacted them) I received a letter which stated that after reading the evidence it was felt that my abuser would have been convicted had he lived and that I was believed 100%. this was the important part for me and I gained closure through that letter. I still have counselling when I need it but now class myself as a survivor of abuse rather than a victim of abuse. I want you to show this to your partner as she may also find peace if she could gain some closure. I want her to understand none of this was her fault, it was beyond her control, her abuser was an evil person. But she must let them win by dictating the rest of her life, she can do this with the right support. So my advice, speak to her gp, contact a support counselling specialising in abuse, take one day at a time and see were to go from there x
I just picked up a fantastic book called the courage to heal!
Helping me to understand and figure out how to be supportive and understanding the pushing away and fear of intimacy isn't personal.
I've read some very awful things and I am proud of every survivor who gets up everyday! You are so brave and so deserve a good life after what has been Robbed from you.
Last edited by Administrator; 05-31-2012 at 10:57 PM.
The Following User Says Thank You to popstarrdiva For This Useful Post:
The Courage to Heal is an awesome resource. I also highly recommend the book "Ghosts in the Bedroom", which is a book for partners of people who were sexually abused.
What everyon here has mentioned is awesome and right on task, but I'd also like to say that you need to set healthy boundaries for yourself in this relationship. It's awesome that you want to be supportive, but set boundaries to keep yourself safe at the same time.
I want to say I think it's great you're standing by her through this.
I've been through it myself, not by a family member. And I went through a time where I had flashbacks especially during sex with my now husband, and I would cry and scream and hit him thinking he was someone else. He stood by me, never walked out and understood where I was coming from. What your girlfriend is going through isn't easy but you being by her side is going to help her.
She should seek counseling especially for the drinking. You mentioned kids, so I'm assuming you guys have children together. If this is the case that's even more reason to take action. I remember drinking a lot too. It doesn't erase anything and won't solve anything but it helps her to numb the pain at that time. But once she's finished drinking the issues are still there, the past is still replaying in her mind.
Get help together. You will benefit from it too. You will see things through her eyes which will give you a better understanding of her situation.