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Old 05-27-2012, 09:40 AM   #1
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Need some advice

To whomever this may concern,

This is my first time talking about this so this is a little difficult. I am a 22 year old male, I'm in college, and I have an amazing girlfiend who I have been dating for quite some time. When I was 7 years old I was molested by my older male cousin. This caused a lot of confusion in my life as im sure it would anyone. Whenever I went to middle school I was a little bit awkward in sports and as a result was bullied in school. Due to all of this by the time I was in high school I was a heavy drug user. Mainly cocaine, ecstasy, marijuana. Sadly because of my drug use, I ended up blacking out at a party and was raped by a much older male. I never pressed charges because I felt like my drug use allowed it to happen. After all this I developed bicurious thoughts and feelings for a short time and even experimented with a couple of guys. Although I quickly realized this was not the life I wanted and began dating women again with much success. While it seems like everything is perfectly fine on the outside, I still have problems feeling comfortable with my masculinity and have difficulty talking or even relating to other guys. I also have problems with reoccurring homosexual thoughts-primary due to things that have happened in the past. I know that I am not gay, I honestly don't even think that I am bisexual. I am finally sober, in college, and have an amazing relationship. I just need to know how to better deal with what has happened to me in the past, and find some way to move past it all. I know that my story is long, any advice would be appreciated. I just needed to get some advice and get this off my chest. Thank you.

 
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Old 05-27-2012, 11:29 PM   #2
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Re: Need some advice

Dvn,

Hi, you've had a lot of sexually related trauma in your life. Have you considered talking to a counselor or psychiatrist about this? They can help you "deal" with the past abuse, process all these feelings your having and learn tools to cope with it all. The college most likely has a counseling office or you could see a Pdoc (psychiatrist) off-campus.

Have you talked to your girlfriend about all that you've been through? That might help as well, knowing that you have someone who loves and cares about you that you can confide in.

Hang in there and take care,

Kat

 
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Dvn (05-29-2012)
Old 05-28-2012, 10:12 PM   #3
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Re: Need some advice

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dvn View Post
This is my first time talking about this so this is a little difficult.
Hello Dvn,

You did fine,as I realize this was not easy for you to post.

Kat has provided you with very sound advice.

Only thing I can add at this time is by posting here,you have become a member;particularly of this board but know that there are many others to peruse at your leisure.
Please feel free to post as often as necessary;there's no limit and we aren't judgmental here.
Welcome to the board and know that you are among those that understand here;truly.

With respect
Phoenix
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Last edited by Phoenix; 05-29-2012 at 06:34 PM. Reason: misspelling

 
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Dvn (05-29-2012)
Old 05-29-2012, 12:01 AM   #4
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Re: Need some advice

Thank you very much for your advice, I will definitely go see what type of services my school provides this fall. Hopefully I can work all of this out. I know things like this are not an easy fix-but I'm willing to try my best.

 
Old 05-29-2012, 12:10 AM   #5
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Re: Need some advice

Thank you for telling me that, being able to get this off my chest and out in the open has helped me. Im a very prideful guy but I've been carrying around some heavy burdens. It's nice to know that there are people kind enough to listen.

 
Old 05-29-2012, 04:39 AM   #6
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Re: Need some advice

Hi Dvn,

I know how hard it must have been to write this, even when it is anonymous, it can make a person feel extremely vulnerable, so first, well done! I may not be able to offer the best advice, but i thought perhaps telling you a little of my story might help. I too was abused at a young age by a cousin. It was a traumatic event in my life that i supressed until i was 9, after i was molested by a 16 year old. I spent a lot of time hating myself, blaming myself and like you i tried to make it go away, you used drugs, and i self harmed. Even when i told some friends and felt relief, it didnt quite fix what was going on in my head. I now see a psychologist who is fantastic. She cant fix me completely, only i can do that, but she offers a lot of comfort, and sound advice.

From your post it doesnt sound like your girl-friend is aware, or fully aware of these events, is she? If not, it may help you to confide in her. The hardest part is telling people. In my case, i told my parents when i was about 15 what happened to me as a child, but they dont know who done it. Its so difficult when the abuser is a family member, and although i havent built up the courage to tell my family, maybe you could? Whatever happens, you have done nothing wrong, and nobody will blame you. Although youre 22 now, somewhere inside will be that confused 7 year old. You cant change your past but you can understand it better, with the right support. I'd strongly reccomend seeing a councellor, or psychologist, as i had negitive judgements about them before going which turned out to be false.

You seem very certain of your sexuality, but its no wonder that you are confused! Any boy whose first sexual encounters were with another male, against their will, would be confused as their will be a conflict going on in your head, one shouting that sexual experiences is what you know so that makes you homosexual, and the other shouting that you didnt want those encounters to happen, so you are hetrosexual. Taking abuse out of the equasion, think about the homosexual experiences that you had, that were initiated by you. Did they feel right for you? Until you settle all of the conflicts darting around your head, you will likely remain a little confused, but thats okay. You are in a loving commited relationship, and im sure that your girlfriend will understand.

Im really sorry if this didnt help, and that its such a lonf reply! All the best to you x

 
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Old 05-29-2012, 06:55 PM   #7
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Re: Need some advice

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dvn View Post
Thank you for telling me that, being able to get this off my chest and out in the open has helped me. Im a very prideful guy but I've been carrying around some heavy burdens. It's nice to know that there are people kind enough to listen.
Dvn,

You're welcome.

I sensed pride making it difficult to post.Please know that it has curtailed the best of us at one time or another.
Yes,revealing your innermost thoughts can be liberating and i'm glad that you were able to unburden yourself of some of life's complexities.
Carrying things alone is a huge undertaking in and of itself.We often go through life just wanting to know that we're not alone and there is someone to say "you've done good."
Please allow me to be that person to tell you most empatically that you've done well(a step up from good ).

Respectfully stated
Phoenix
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Old 05-30-2012, 01:27 PM   #8
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Re: Need some advice

It takes time and hard work, but you've done the hardest part already, just by opening up and talking about it, even if just to post anonymously on this Board. It's not easy keeping this kind of secret....I kept mine until I was 36 and then with the help of a very gifted Pschiatrist and Psychologist I learned how to deal with the fear/anger/sadness/humiliation, etc. I was able to confront my abuser.

I won't say I'm all better, because I don't know that we ever get "better" from this type of trauma, but I'm dealing with it and that makes life so much easier.

Hang in there and remember we're here for you, day or night.

Kat

 
Old 06-06-2012, 07:39 AM   #9
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Re: Need some advice

Yes, trying to find a professional of some kind that you can confide in can be a huge stepping stone. I have no had to deal with those particular circumstances, but just having some kind of solid foundation to build on can be very powerful, and I've found that professional help gives you that if nothing else. Good luck

 
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