I feel like I'm in a pickle. Everything around me and in me says I need to leave my bf. He is an acholic and last year we had a "scuffle". By all means I am not trying to minimize it, and I did get a restraining order. Well I've always believed in second chances. He quite drinking and was doing really well, so second chance was given.
Fast forward to now. He has started drinking, occasionally and not to the degree before. He tries to minimize it with a lot of excuses that I admit may sound rational to a lot of people. bottom line, I set a boundary of no alcohol in our home and he is breaking that and disrespecting me in the process.
He has some health issues he is dealing with and some tremendous side effects from this. I'm sure this may be the cause for him wanting the bottle again but I feel either you want to stop or you don't. It's entirely up to him. He also stopped his counseling. Again I think either he wants to get help or he doesn't.
The last few months I have seen his temper just jump out of control and he scares the living hell out me. He hasn't hurt me in any way but I feel terrified daily that I may "set" him off. He is so mean to our dogs. We have "pit" mixs and he says they have to be "handled" that way. Again I don't agree and then we fight. I just re-homes one dog so she wouldn't have to be subject to his "handling".
There are many things I could go on about but you get the idea. Regardless MY guts says I need to get him out ASAP. I just don't know how.
Last year b4 our "scuffle" I wa trying to tell him to leave because of his drinking. This was the night I was shoved and he went to jail. He told me he would neer leave and I would have to evict him. I can't afford the court fees to do this.
Sure I could leave but here is my dilemma... ( scared to say to much here as I don't want identify myself just in case) I'm confident I can stay with a friend but If I leave it will be considered abandonment and I will loose my home. ( I can't afford the advise of an attorney to confirm this) also I have some nice things in this house that I don't want destroyed. Silly in the big scheme of things but they are important to me.
He may be leaving town for a bit and I thought about getting a pod and loading all my things while he is gone. Then it will really look like I abandoned the house so not sure about that one. another issue I have is he is growing pot. I'm not going for that debate but I have told him it makes me uncomfortable and I have some legal issues coming up (not related at all!) and well I don't want it around my house. This was yet another big fight. I have never ever been in trouble and have a sqeecky clean record. I'm proud of that and want to keep it that way.
I need some real advice. Practical too. How do I get this man out? I want to save my home, my record and ME!!
Thanks in advance
The following user gives a hug of support to EyesForward: Phoenix (06-23-2012)
So sorry what your going through. I have been through this several times I'm embarrassed to say. I was brought up in an abusive home so have always picked inappropriate men. I am now divorced ( married the last one) usually only live with them.
A lot of how you would go about things would depend on if your considered married to him, whos name is it in, did he contribute financially to the house, is there any equity in it, which state you live in ( community property, common law marriage, legal separation)
I'm in Texas, and if I move someone in and have to evict them I can do so without a lawyer, research on the Internet it's not hard to do, unless your states different. There are also lots of legal sites you can get advice on procedures.
If you feel he is going to go ballistic if you leave or try to make him leave then you really DO need to get out of it for sure, but need to plan it right. The dog thing really bothers me as I've been through that too, and love animals. Also the pot thing I don't know if the laws the same now or varies state to state but you can loose your home if he grows enough that they would label it intent to distribute, plus you don't want your record ruined especially for something your not doing.
Also if you call or go visit your domestic violence center/shelter they can tell you exactly how to go about it. If he has a history of violence you need to know, being mean to the dogs is a bad sign. The best advice I can give you is listen to your gut, and dont rationalize it. If you feel he's dangerouse, he most likely is. Also the time that most women or seriously injured or killed is when they attempt to leave or do leave.
An ex boyfriend of mine, was divorced from his wife after 10 years. I had met her several times before I dated him and she got along with him ok for their children. He never beat her. I knew him for three months before dating him, saw him almost everyday. We started living together, it was three months before he went off on me. I found out later that he had cheated on his wife their whole marriage and the women he had for girlfriends he beat the hell out of. I had hell getting away from him and he stalked me for almost a year. We had mutual friends that didn't warn me until I had issues with him.
Take care of you,
You really do need legal advice. There are a couple of ways I know to get it free. If you have a womens shelter in your area - or hotline - call them. They usually have resources for that. Also, the Bar Association usually has a list of attorneys who will give you a free 30 minute session to evaluate your situation. I've used them before. Just call them and ask if they have a family law attorney who does this.
The POD idea is a great one - you can set up a PO Box that he knows nothing about to start switching your mail, and most of your accounts can be set to paperless. PODs will store your stuff indefinitely, and it won't be prone to his rages.
I would also switch my bank accounts and card numbers - all of them, because he may have some slip of paper that would give him enough information to cause trouble. Set all of the addresses to the PO Box, and keep the key to that box at work or a friends.
Get the utilities out of your name - tell them you are moving and you don't know where to, but schedule the date for termination. You don't want months and months of duplicate billings for two places.
Start squirreling money away to take a long vacation when you move. Get your stuff into a POD, and if you are not at work, he won't know where to look. Go to a different state for some rest. Tell your work that no information is to be released about your whereabouts or work status, even if they are family. Come back in time to set up your new place before returning to work.
Tricky - Get the Pot out of your house any way necessary. He may say it is yours and that you are trying to blame him. Even if he doesn't, it can still be used against you to seize any assets you may have. One suggestion - Call twenty friends - I know these types isolate you - and ask them to help and support you in this separation. Put all of the pot in his car and tell him you're calling the police in five minutes - he has five minutes to get it off of shared property. You won't call the police if he goes quietly. If there's twenty of you standing around, he's unlikely to attack, and if he does, he'll be the one that's worse for the wear.
Whatever you do, don't call the police to help you remove the pot. You may be held responsible, because you may have assets that can be seized. Also, though I love good cops, there are bad ones, and you never know what you will get coming to your door. A conviction has to happen for seizure.
Empty every booze bottle in your house. Whatever you do, don't give him money.
You said it could be considered abandonment of your home - so talk to your landlord. Tell him your willing to pay three month's rent over time until it is paid off, but that you cannot live in this hostile environment. The landlord may be willing to help evict him in some way. The goal is to move away safely. Really, you don't want to be in a place that is familiar to your bf. If he doesn't know where you are, he can't show up at all hours demanding to be let into "his" home.
The dog - there are rescue places for pits, and this poor dog sounds in need of a rescue. Explain that you cannot protect the animal from your bf, and tell the bf it must have ran away when you woke and found he left the door open in his drunken stupor. Work it out with a friend to pick the dog up one night and take it to the rescue the next day.
All of this may seem like a lot to do, but it is a matter of regaining control of your life. You may not need to be this extreme, but I tried to list suggestions for an extreme situation. This man has manipulated you into a sticky situation, and he won't help you get out of it. You have to help yourself.
Take care, and remember, he is not a friend. He is a manipulative user.
The Following User Says Thank You to AverageUser For This Useful Post: sandiemas (07-08-2012)
My niece did something similar when she was leaving her husband. She moved her money, socked some away, rented an apt. Her sister and BIL showed up one morning with a U Haul after the husband went to work and loaded up her stuff and took it to the new apt. She left a note telling him she wanted a divorce, gave him her attorney's name and told the folks at work not to put him thru to her or let him back to her office.
You don't say whether your "home" is a rental or you own it so that's why I urged you to see an attorney. It may be that you can evict him, have him removed as a trespasser, etc. But you do need legal advice.
The Following User Says Thank You to Titchou For This Useful Post: AverageUser (07-08-2012)
To reinforce what the last post said most women's shelters (they are your best friend in this situation) will have a list of attorney's that will give you council for free the first time. USE ONE OF THEM. now before this becomes a crisis. I would say change the locks, etc. but he sounds violent! Maybe????? get the cops involved? Hate to suggest that because that could turn on you what with the pot and everything. Very tricky. Best of luck. I feel your "walking on eggshells", by dad was a drunk. Talk to an attorney.
I read most of the posts on this board because I can relate, having been severely victimized as a child. With my natural defenses torn down I stumbled into womanhood, and felt like I was walking through a train wreck. I was a mess, and my choices made a mess of my life. I don't know if you are still reading, but I will share my thoughts with you and whoever may read it.
Definitely do not just walk away if you own the property unless you have legal standing in place. If you do own, that is a different situation than if you just rent, and Housing law is key. Just get the information you need to know before you take action.
You don't have to mention the pot or other drugs in order to ask questions.
Ask the police or your county Social Services how to get in touch with a Woman's Crisis Center. They are always strictly confidential, so be completely honest with them even about the pot so they can help in every possible way. They know exactly how to help you protect yourself, and you don't need money to get this help. You only need be what you are, a woman in crisis.
Usually they also have confidential support groups that will help you see yourself in what others do, which is really helpful. It's easy to spot problems and solutions in others, even when we may be confused about ourselves and our relationships.
Crisis centers can provide SO much help! I have gone to them in times of various degrees of relationship stress.
A woman's crisis center will be able to guide you in legal matters regarding every detail of escaping a bad situation, including a protective order and the housing laws of your state, which must be followed exactly. Usually notice to vacate has to be given to anyone that we allow to live with us, and the laws are different in each state. What they cannot personally tell you they can direct you to the right people and resources.
If you get help to evict him legally then the law is on your side and he would likely take his pot with him. Make sure you are on solid legal ground and that you have a strong support system.
Be explicitly honest and own your side of the 'dance'. Not at all to blame ourselves or anyone, but usually we play a role to some degree, and to make this change we need to see what we were doing and stop doing that dance. We can learn new steps and usually when we do abusers fade out of the picture, or else they wake up and see themselves and decide to make changes in themselves, too. If not, the law can force the issue.
Violence is always to be taken very seriously...
People are often killed accidently during violent displays of emotion.
One out of three homicides perpetrated on women are done by an intimate partner.
This is about safety. It is not about forgiveness or second chances. You can forgive and still stay away from violent people.
Please, get the support system you need and take care of yourself. and let us know how things are going for you!