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Old 07-14-2012, 07:32 PM   #1
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Devastated verbal/emotional/abuse

I am not sure where to begin, I have been verbally, emotionally, and a few times physically abused by my husband. We have two beautiful sons that are now 16 &18 years old. My husband has always had a bad temper way before I ever met him. I always thought I could make him happy so that he would never take it out on me. What a fool I was. After almost 20 years married to him, I had him arrested in March for domestic abuse. I have been writing him letters for over 10 years about the way he was treating me. He always blocked his ears, and said "I treat you fine". He has hurt me deeply with his spiteful remarks, mean and cruel words, and has "accidentally" hurt me during arguments. I have tried to shield the children from all this, but he then started to do it to them. I can't count the times I have had to stand in front of the kids while his temper was raging. I never called 911 on him until March. I threat ed to many times. How I wish I had. I am currently in the middle of a very messy divorce. He has froze me of any money, thank God for my parents, the house and the car are only in his name, and now he is telling everyone that I am brainwashing the children about the abuse. The kids want nothing to do with their father. In the beginning I forced them to see him, but they were so upset so i stopped forcing them. He has verbally, emotionally and physically abused my children and he won't admit it. My 18 year old is going to court with me this Monday to talk to the judge. My 16 year old was hospitalized on July 4 for wanting to kill himself because his father won't admit the way he treated him. I am so emotionally distraught. I should have left him years ago, but I was so afraid, I was a stay at home mom for 15 years. I have been trying to get a job to support my family, but who wants to hirer a 52 year old women. When i first met him I had a good job, I was making more than him, I am so scared. On top of that he has been cheating on me for almost a year. My youngest knew because he found all the love letters and cards, but he never told me because he didn't want to hurt me, and also I would have gotten into a fight with his father. We walked on eggshells for many years because of his anger problem. He will not admit that his anger has affected his family. His parents are mad at me and their grandsons because they won't believe that he did that to us. If they don't believe me that is one thing, but their own grandchildren??? They are 16 and 18 they lived it. I don't know how I am going to get through this. They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, I am strong, but i feel like this is killing me... anybody out there that has been through this, please I need advice...

 
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Old 07-18-2012, 05:15 AM   #2
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Re: Devastated verbal/emotional/abuse

Hello broken pieces

When in a dilemma of such magnitude please proceed with caution.

It would be extremely difficult not to feel angered with it all but please take into account that anger tends to cloud one's judgement.

Filing for divorce was definitely the right move;you were left with very few options.

I hope that you and your children will get through the divorce without too many complications.

Divorce,in and of itself effects all concerned(men,women and children).

You will get through this.
Please keep in mind that anything worth fighting for will be met with opposition.

Are you or any of your children opposed to therapy?

Just something to consider.

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Old 07-21-2012, 11:57 AM   #3
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Re: Devastated verbal/emotional/abuse

You should be very proud that you have taken the first steps to free yourself of abuse. You have a good chance of now avoiding long-term misery, and all of this pain and stress is a very good investment in your future.

Try not to focus on what his parents believe; it is not in your control, and though it may be disappointing, your attention is better placed on you and your boys.

There are many reasons a wife does not leave an abusive husband, and his needs, his responses, are large parts of that. Switching gears to your needs and feelings may be difficult, but if you try to remove yourself from his head, you may feel a little better. It sounds like he dominated your thoughts and feelings for twenty years, and it will take effort to start considering what is best for you, and not think about how it affects him or his family. The fear will not go away immediately, but will ease over time.

Your boys are almost adults, and it is important for them to understand that their father uses fear and rejection to manipulate and control others, especially his family. Abusers rarely admit their abuse. People who harm women and children hardly ever confess. They know they are the lowest of the low, and he's probably smart enough to know any admission can still land him in jail. These days, a microphone can be hidden anywhere, and I would bet money that he's smart enough to know that. Please let your sons know that he will never admit it. Sometimes, on their deathbeds, abusers want absolution, and will confess then.

You are probably not the best person to counsel the boys, because you are under so much stress right now. It seems like it would be nearly impossible for that stress not to spill into your conversations with them. There are mental health services available in most cities, based on income. There are also free support groups. You can search online for resources.

You didn't say if you ever sought emotional support from a professional. If not, finding a counselor to help you sort through this may be something you want to try.

As for a job - you don't have to start "big." Just get out there, and face the world. Easily said, harder to do, I know. Smaller cities may be more comfortable. It will also demonstrate to the court that you are willing to carry your share, that you are trying to financially contribute.

His cheating has little to do with you. Cheaters cheat, abusers abuse. I'm sure you heard the word "you" quite a bit if you confronted him, as though it was all your fault. If you haven't confronted him, there is really little point to it, except to be the recipient of more abuse.

I don't think it matters whose name the house and car are in; unless there's some monster of a prenuptial agreement, legally, it should be considered joint property. I hope you have an attorney. Even though it's very stressful, and easier to just want to cut off all contact with him as soon and cleanly as possible, this is not a good state of mind to make big decisions. Maybe your parents will help with an attorney, or know someone?

I would ask that you remember that you survived twenty years of his abuse, and you can survive this. The world will be a much lighter place without his hatefulness in your life.

Do nice things for yourself; take a long bath, do your toenails, change your hair, wear make-up to the grocery store just for fun. Go to the park, plant a little basket of flowers. I like the sound of water - maybe get one of those little waterfall machines from the flea market. I like flea markets, too. People and puppies, good things to smell and always something surprising

I'm sending good thoughts and safe hugs your way.

 
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Old 07-23-2012, 07:06 PM   #4
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Re: Devastated verbal/emotional/abuse

Hello broken,

If you are still up to responding,know that i'll make it a priority of mine to attend to any future posts.

Just don't want you to feel you're alone in your time of need.

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Old 07-23-2012, 09:30 PM   #5
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Re: Devastated verbal/emotional/abuse

Thanks for sharing your story. Your experience will be very helpful to those who are experiencing something similar but may feel trapped or unsure about leaving. It took a great deal of courage and bravery for you to finally stand up and take the steps to leave. Don't wreck yourself with regret about what is already past - you can't go back and change it. You only have the present moment to follow your heart and do what is right. Now is the time for change and recovery, and to start putting your and your children's lives back together again.

I personally appreciate you sharing your story, as I'm in a relationship with someone who has verbally, emotionally, and at times (not recently) sexually abused me. I'm at the brink now of trying to decide whether to stay or leave. He's promised that he will change and has asked for me to be fair and allow him the opportunity to turn everything around. So far he's been nicer, but it's strange interacting with him in this way because I'm not used to it. I'm also struggling because my heart just isn't into it anymore, but I'm hesitant to still leave anyway if he is willing to actually change. He wants to move forward into marriage and having children really soon, and I'm really unsure about all that. One thing that has been on my mind a lot is future children. I don't want them to endure what I endured (if he ends up reverting back). I'd never forgive myself, especially since I've been given this golden opportunity to stop and reflect before all this occurs. So, reading your story certainly helps solidify my concerns about the impact of his tendencies on a future family.

Stay strong

 
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Old 08-16-2012, 11:35 PM   #6
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Re: Devastated verbal/emotional/abuse

Don't do it, don't give him more of your life, go with your gut, if he thought it was ok to rape you then were are his boundaries. He has shown you who he is.....

 
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