I am sorry, in advance, this is so long I just feel broken and I need a fresh perspective to tell me I am not crazy.
My Mum often dubs people "pd's" or "personality disorders" her new favourite is "emotionally unstable PD" Which she likes to call me, my friends and boyfriend when she is feeling spiteful.
Since I was a child she told me I was "strange" and that I do things "the hardest way" she took me to the doctors many times to get me "checked" when I was a kid, although I have no recollection of it. As a teenager I suffered considerably as she emotionally abused me all the time, threatened, lied and manipulated me. Her mood swings and temper tantrums can be unpredictable, I often felt that she would only be satisfied when I was broken and became a victim (and so under her control)
The worst thing she did, when she wasn't abusing me she would ask me questionnaires and "diagnose me" with things and put thoughts in my head. She told me I would probably grow up to have borderline personality disorder and I would probably never have a happy loving relationship, she has said I am aspergers, dissociative and that I have been psychotic. (I never had any hallucinations or what I would call delusions, although I am no expert). During arguments and put downs she would often use these things, if I tried to tell her she was being unfair she would say things like "that's from YOUR perspective, you don't know what is really happening" leading me to think I was insane most of the time.
I just want to know I am not crazy....Is it me? Or is it her? She is beginning to break me down again and I have no escape.
Just to give you an idea of the type of things she does, she once suggested I might have been sexually abused and that's why as a child I was so strange and that I repressed the memory.
My Dad died when I was 12, which was really hard on me, she suggested it could have been my Dad or one of his friends!? When I brought it up again, she told me she didn't say that. In my eyes what she has done is abuse, she is completely inappropriate.
She can be lovely at times, but during my teenage years she was awful and destroyed me emotionally...I have tried to rebuild a relationship with her and worked hard to put boundaries in place to protect myself. I am in good control of my own emotions around her for the most part and avoid mental health discussions. But she still has mood swings and puts me down. Sometimes she is overly nice to everyone in the family except one person, to make the person being picked on feel alienated. When she is nice to me I sometimes feel she is only doing it to hurt someone else. Other times we are like a normal family.
I just want to know there is nothing wrong with me, that I am not imagining this is wrong. When I tell her, she won't have it. From a young age, I have felt confused about everything when it comes to family life.
You have a very Toxic relationship with your Mom. She is not doing your mental health any good at all and never has....She herself is the one that has a very serious mental disorder... YES this is mental abuse at its worse... I know you still Love your mom even with all this mental garbage she has abused you with all your life. BUT their has to come a time for you to live free of her time to escape her clutches once and for all.....
No and No again you are not crazy she is the one with the problem.... If it was me I would seek some professional help for yourself to help you learn how to deal with your mom... To help you come to terms with finally breaking free from this abuse......
If she is breaking you down again then its time for you to no longer allow her to do this to you. walk away ...get away from her as soon as she starts this type of conversation with you. explain to her that you no longer will listen to this type of talk.. Good Luck
The following user gives a hug of support to gardenandcats: Phoenix (07-27-2012)
The Following User Says Thank You to gardenandcats For This Useful Post: um Monty (08-17-2012)
Your writing seems perfectly lucid, and forgive me, but your mom sounds like a toxic parent.
It also sounds like she projects her self-diagnoses and repressed memories onto you.
Are you old enough to try to avoid her?
I also read that when a parent says hurtful things to a grown child, one way to try to get them to stop is to respond with nothing but, "I'm sorry you feel that way." No arguing, no other comments, no anger, just that one sincere statement. Repeat it as often as needed.
Hugs to you, you can be free someday.
The following user gives a hug of support to AverageUser: Phoenix (07-27-2012)
The Following User Says Thank You to AverageUser For This Useful Post: um Monty (08-17-2012)
I'm so sorry to hear about all that you have suffered... your family, and especially your mother, should be a safe place where you feel comforted and protected. What your mother is doing sounds very sick. In fact, it sounds like she's projecting her own fears about HERSELF onto you. I wonder if she might be narcissistic...
I'm not saying she is or she isn't, but it's a place to start. I think that should start helping you see more clearly and understanding that the problem is not you. It's her.
You should also try to reach out to others who are in a position to help you... If you are in college, I would definitely recommend you go to the mental health center and talk to a counselor about all this. If you are working and have insurance, try to find a therapist nearby. If you don't have insurance, don't despair; many therapists work on a sliding scale and will try to accommodate you.
I'm in a relationship with someone who has been emotionally, verbally, and (in the past) sexually abusive. I understand completely what you mean that feeling when you start to question yourself and wonder if the other person is right, and you are the wrong one. Your reality begins to turn upside down and you stop hearing your inner voice. My fiance has not gone to the level of diagnosing me, but he has often said that I have serious mental issues. More recently he gave me the choice of either I'm a deceitful, lying, manipulative person, OR I have mental issues. I know for sure I'm not the first... so I got stuck with the latter option. I'm struggling with everything now in the relationship, and have appreciated the advice from other members on the board. It's hard hearing what they have to say, because it stands in stark contrast from what he has always said. I always see everything he says as gospel truth, so it's very confusing, and I find myself flipping back and forth, from one side to the other. I've decided that I need to reach out to others who are trustworthy so they can help me hold on to reality during this process. I've also started seeing a therapist, and I really think this is the best approach. When you are drowning and caught up in the midst of a situation like this, and have a hard time knowing who is right - the other person or you - it's best to get professional help.
Best of luck to you, and stay strong
Last edited by Administrator; 10-14-2012 at 10:59 PM.
The Following User Says Thank You to moonlitdreams For This Useful Post: um Monty (08-17-2012)
This is nothing but emotional abuse, your mother is the one with psychological problems , she is obviously not happy nor she has ever been, my advise is for you to stay away from her as much as you can`t, she will never change, seek for help ,this can be a reason for you to be insecure and not been able to have healthy relationships with people. )
Hey Phoenix, thanks for your kind messages. Also, I am sorry for my slow replies, I did not get any alerts concerning this thread and so thought no one had replied to it. Yours and everyone's replies have been a great comfort to me during a distressing time, I am happy to say I have managed to begin putting more boundaries in place and have emotionally distanced myself from my mother and her behavior over the past week has been reasonable , even lovely for the most part and I am finding myself asking "is she really that bad?" "Maybe it is all me". I'm not sure, I can forgive but I can't let myself forget.
The following user gives a hug of support to moodyshoe92: Phoenix (07-27-2012)
It is not you. I know she is your mom but the best thing you can do for yourself is cut her out of your life if you are able to. She is abusive. I go thru this w my bf his mom says things like " I could have had a life if I didn't have you" and "I wish you had amounted to something" by that she means rich and famous. Never mind the fact that he is a wonderful man. Our mothers are supposed to be kind loving and supportive. Yours sounds far from it.
My dad was emotionally abusive to me when I was a teenager and either would ignore me or lecture me that I would not be anything but a factory worker and the reasons why. It hurt me a lot and I thought he was right but he was wrong and others told me as I grew up that he had serious problems and a bad attitude. I still tried to make him like me and I married a man who was controlling and also emotional abusive. I am now becoming my own person and forgave my dad and now I have a voice and can set boundaries with those that are toxic to my life. It is sad that our parent who we think would encourage and be good to us could be so mean to us. My mom was wonderful and I am thankful for that but she died when I was 12 years old and told me to stay with my dad. We never could connect emotionally but I wrote down what I felt towards him and also thanked him for the good things so I was healed through writing letters. He never responded to me. Best wishes and please get some help and supportive people to be your friends and surrogate family.
The following user gives a hug of support to renko: Phoenix (10-02-2012)
its abuse.... i have four daughters... it is total abuse.
step away from the situation. mix with boring ordinary people for awhile and it will all become clear to you... step back and take lots of deep breaths...all will get better as you get older and wiser. good luck.
The following user gives a hug of support to bron44: Phoenix (10-02-2012)
Sounds as if she could be bipolar. What is your living situation? Are you living with her? If not, I would suggest getting away from her as fast as possible. At least for awhile until you can heal your emotions and find some help for all the abuse she has heaped on you for years. You are not crazy! DO NOT let her make you think your the one with the problems. Shut her down now!
The following user gives a hug of support to joykay13: Phoenix (10-02-2012)
I was looking around here for answers to problems with my boyfriend, I came across this post and just wanted to send you a hug you really slapped me in the face with this post ( in a good way) your mom is a lot like my mom; my dad was around and I guess maybe he evened me out, but my mom also would say things to me like I probably had bipolar and would end up with major forms of depression, etc. When I was sick with a cold she would blow it up into something much worse to scare me and get sympathy from her friends. She would try to kill herself all the time and then try to blame me or my sister... She doesn't recall that... She doesn't recall spanking us or slapping us or telling me that I ruined her childhood because she had me when she was 17 and that I should take care if her now because she gave up everything to have me. She continues to act this way and I now have the strength to fire back; I have not yet cut her from my life, my children adore her but she now uses them against me telling me I am a bad mother... My entire life is my children but she thinks I ignore them... I admit when she is around I use that time to get anything done I can when I can because otherwise with a 7 year old, 2 year old and 7 month old I get nothing done otherwise but when I am alone with them (which is most of the time) all of my live attention and life goes to them, I font get a second to myself and I thank god for it everyday! I would never want them to feel bad or feel unwanted ever. After reading this though I figured out that as good as I am at being a mommy I am actually bad... I am in a relationship I classify as emotionally/ verbally abusive, he us the father of my 2 youngest children but not my 7 year old... He is constantly negative toward him and if he is ever positive it is always followed by a but... I am just as much at fault for allowing him to treat my don this way, my son is actually being tested for aspergers or he could possibly just have a very high iq, but he is very clearly different to everyone; great big heart and spirit, but this man brings his spirit down and he is uncomfortable in our home I put an end to it tonight! We have no place to go and this is his house but I called our relationship quits! I refuse to allow my son to ever feel bad like I did and I am do awful for not realizing it and for it going on this long. Thank you for opening my eyes and I hope that you can see that you are really truly normal (if normal exists) don't let anyone make you feel bad even if it's someone who you feel you should respect, respect should be a give and receive and she is not giving it to you and so you should not continue to give it to her. Hugs to you! And thank you again