I think my depression is mainly caused by genetics and abuse. Both of my parents were depressed and alcoholics.
My mother's father sexually abused her as a child. My mother died when I was very young. My father didn't know that my grandfather was a pedophile...and left me in their care often.
I have vivid memories of it. I was 6.
The abuse went on for years.
My depression became extremely apparent at the age of 9. I skipped school often. Cried daily.
Then, the sexual abuse happened again. I was 11 this time. And it was my brother.
I left home when I was 12...probably self-preservation. Dropped out of the 8th grade. Slept at friend's houses and then eventually went to live with the only person who'd take me in. Unfortunately, it was a grown man who beat me up on a regular basis, encouraged drug/alcohol abuse, abandoned me in scary places, and was a pedophile himself, since I was still a child.
This kind of life leaves horrible scars. Therapy helps you try and deal with it...but ultimately, I'm not sure there's enough therapy in the world to heal me.
I feel like I escaped the gates of hell...just to be burned in this smoldering fire of depression. I'm still struggling. It just won't let up. My education suffered, my careers suffer. My relationships suffer. It's a miracle my husband puts up with my batshit crazy ***. But he says I'm the nicest person he's ever met and he'll love me through anything.
I'm just gonna keep my head above water and keep praying to God to help me through this trial I call life.
I do feel like I've made a success story of my life. I've attempted to overcome those horrible things. I went to college and had an amazing career for awhile. But depression is always there. I had to call in sick for months on end.
I can barely take care of myself sometimes.
I just want to be able to enjoy my escape from that previous hell.
My life could be so great if my mind would just stop fighting me and work with me.
I am in awe of somebody who can live through what you have suffered and make a life for themselves. Do not ever feel that you are weak, a victim or a failure! Some of the bravest, strongest people are abuse survivors, and are renowned not only for holding their lives together, but for reaching out to help and support others. I hear what you are saying about there not being enough therapy, but you are your own best therapist. Life is always a work in progress, and we never stop trying to heal, affirm and validate ourselves. Your depression has been your friend, guarding you from feeling the full extent of your emotional pain. You can outgrow it, by bringing the past into the present and dealing with it as an adult. It is painful, the hardest thing in the world, and tat is why therapy helps. You are being guided and supported by a helper. The work, though is your own. Nobody else can do it for you. I have been working on my emotional health for twenty years, and i will continue to do so. Keep writing, keep a journal of thoughts, triggers, feelings and experiences. It is amazingly helpful. Sera
I too had a very rough childhood. It's amazing the impact it can have on our adulthood. I work so hard to put it behind me, but it keeps rearing its ugly head. I know it's easy for people to say its in the past, and to leave it there and look to the future, but the past is what sculpted us into the people we are today. That can't be changed. I can try to look at my future differently, but the effects of yesterday still haunt me and give me depression, anxiety, social phobia. I can't heal the social phobia. That's going to be burned into me forever as a result of the past. As much as I wish it to go away it won't.
Anyway, sorry for that rant!! Just wanted to point out to you that I understand some of what you are feeling. I'm glad you have a husband for support. That is awesome! Everyone needs to have at least one person in their life they can lean on.