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Old 08-16-2012, 10:59 PM   #1
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Question getting scared, can things change?

Hello People,
I come from a pretty abusive background and I am starting to feel like the only people I am going to like, be attracted to or attract into my life are also other abusive people...

I joined a group and found myself immediately drown and attracted to this one guy, I wanted his attention and felt like there was something wrong with me when I didn't get it, I felt I wasn't good enough, less then...

My feelings were obsessive and overwhelming me.... So in an attempt to get a grip on what was going on I sat back and just watched, I watched him to try and figure out what it was about him that I liked so much and I watched myself to find what and how I was reacting to. It took me a while but then all of a sudden when I saw him trying to slip his hand up a girls dress I realised that what he was doing was abusive and that I had been feelings hurt that he wasn't doing it to me!!!

I thought to myself, have I been through anything like this before... And yes, very quickly it slapped me in the face that all of this reminded me of when I was in prep and the teacher was abusing all the kids in my class bar me. I would sit in class and refuse to work, I would only sit and watch him molest all my class mates... I knew what the teacher was doing was wrong because I had already been touched by a cousin but I still felt left out that he wasn't doing it to me too, like there was something wrong with me and I wasn't good enough, even though I also knew he wasn't doing it to me because I was giving him death stars.

I then started to realise that that guy from the group had been actually abusing and sexually harassing, some of the girls (young woman), putting his hands down there pants, up there skirt and targeting bar legs, bare arms and deliberately stroking there breasts, much like my teacher, and I was feeling the same as back then!!!

It frightens me deeply that I hadn't seen this as abuse, and that I was feeling hurt that he wasn't abusing me too!! I don't feel like I can trust myself to know when someone is being abusive...

I have also had two psychologists tell me that my mother and sister are psychopaths and I have just found out that my ex boyfriend use to kill cats!! I am feeling like the only people I am going to identify with, feel most comfortable with, safe, and feel I relate most with are abusive....

Have other felt something like this, have a similar experience and have you change it, can you change it? If so How???

Your thoughts would be greatly appreciated,
Thanks

 
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Old 08-17-2012, 03:04 PM   #2
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Re: getting scared, can things change?

Hello um Monty

The thing to remember here is that you deserve better.
Being around abusive people enough and it will slowly change a persons conviction.
Know that you deserve better than this and if a person has to violate you,in order to make himself feel good,there's a problem there.
Being raised around socially manipulative individuals can easily warp your sense of boundaries.
Are the therapists still working with you?
Are you on any medications?
You need to start looking out for yourself because it seems that everyone else is totally immersed in their behavior patterns.
If you are up to it,please keep posting.
Know that you don't have to feel alone;your around people who can relate to what you're experiencing.
You don't have to seek negative reinforcement from others,as a means of feeling accepted;being part of.
If a person can't accept you for who you are and can't respect your healthy values,then later for them.

You shouldn't have to settle for less.
It may be a self-esteem problem that you need help with.

All your life,you've been around manipulative people.It's time to stand up and demand better of yourself.
You are full of worth and are not worthless.
Anyone who tells you otherwise,should be disregarded and avoided,when possible.

Respectfully
Phoenix
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Old 08-29-2012, 06:17 PM   #3
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Re: getting scared, can things change?

I have attracted abusive men in the past. My dad abused my mom. I think you could change this if you went to a good therapist and was honest with them. Therapy really helped me. It is good that you identify the problem. that is the first step.

 
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Old 09-02-2012, 12:32 AM   #4
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Re: getting scared, can things change?

Hello Phoenix and Sweeture,

Thanks for your comments, nice words and encouragement. It's nice to know people are out there and to feel heard.

I've been trying to tell myself that I deserve better... And yes being raised around socially manipulative individuals has definitely warped my sense's. I don't know how to revers it.
I don't know what better is, is it where you feel safe, gotten, comfortable? The people who treat me the way I've always been treated are the one's that make me feel that way it seems...

Too it scares me when people like me, my therapists thinks this is because my abuse came from so manny places, so many relationships, it was all around, it was my world. I got it from my second cousin on and off until I was a teen, teachers all through school, boyfriends, my mother, sister, a childhood female friend, neighbours, my farther bashed me and only ever treated me as a woman, never as a little girl and two therapist. It's all I know, so any relationship feels like it could be bad, and I don't feel like I can see the difference...

Part of it is that I don't even notes when someone is violating me, thats what scared me so much, it's just normal, the manipulation, the emotional violence, the controlling, the putdowns and emotional blackmail. I don't know how to wake myself up to it and stop it instead of react the way I've been well trained to...

I am currently working with two therapists, I have been seeing one for six years but after telling her that my ex boyfriend use to kill cats and all she said was "I told you so" (whitch she hadn't and is absolutely no help anyway) and "you would know how best to deal with this" (because of my history), I went and found someone else and I have been seeing her as well for three weeks.
No I am not on medications.
At the moment I am feeling like I need to be able to tell my therapists what I need from them, what I need for them to do, what treatment I need, but I am so deep in it I can't see a way out.
I am rapidly feeling like therapy can't help me, and that I am going to become a very good hermit...

Yes I would say your right that I need help with self-esteem problems and boundaries, I just wish I know what else
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Old 09-24-2012, 04:22 AM   #5
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Re: getting scared, can things change?

Get a copy of "Women who love too much" by Robin Norwood the authors name might not be correct.. but it is a very popular book or bible...
it shows how childhood affects how we relate to men ... and helps to overcome the se unhealthy urges as such
For exampe if your father never paid you attention and you had to fight for it .. you will automatically be attracted to a distant man .. whose attention who have to fight for... as your inner child needs to win that fight....
Dont know if im explaining it very well but you can use the book to help identify these issues and correct.. them..!!!
Yes you can break the cycle adn start forming healthy relationships

 
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Old 09-25-2012, 08:49 PM   #6
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Re: getting scared, can things change?

Thanks hazel680,

That book sounds like it is right up my alley, you have explained it very well.
I have found that I am attracted to the distant man, emotionally and psychologically unavailable, and my farher was/is completely unavailable.
I will definitely give that book a read.
Thanks too for your vote of confidence that I can break the cycle and start forming healthy relationships.
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