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Old 09-24-2012, 05:50 AM   #1
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j627 HB User
I desperately need help with my abusive relationship

I am writing this post in hopes that someone will read this and give me some advice. I am feeling depressed, confused and quite worthless at this point. This is a long post, so please bare with me. I met my ex boyfriend about a year ago in September 2011. When we first met he seemed very charming & took me on many dates. The abuse with him began gradually. He would make disrespectful comments about my appearance, clothing etc. One day I finally reached my breaking point and responded back with a rude comment about his appearance (this was AFTER dealing with repeated verbal abuse). He actually responded by smacking me on the face. He was very sorry afterward, but ever since that day a floodgate had opened. Over the net several months I experienced many highs and lows with him. The mental, verbal and physical abuse got worse and worse.... but the nice things that he did for me got better and better at the same time. Although he was abusing me he even referred me to my current job and co-signed for a medical loan that I needed. In January he gave me a small black eye, bruised shoulder and legs and smashed my iPhone. Later in January, against my better judgment, he moved in with me. In February I found out that I was pregnant. He bullied me, threatened to move and made cruel comments about the pregnancy that would make you want to vomit. I ended up feeling pressured into having an abortion & I feel regret everyday. The very next day after my abortion he beat me so badly that he ended up getting arrested. Over the course of 2 days he blackned my eye so badly that it did not heal for nearly 2 months. Even after he did these things I took him back. He promised to change and he started anger managment (which he did not seem to take seriously and even joked about). He ended up losing his job as a result of the arrest. For a long period of time right after his arrest he was kind to me and promised that nothing like that would ever happen again. I was very desperate and confused and stayed with him. I probably needed someone taking care of ME, yet I was being there for HIM. Soon he started blaming me for what happened. He told me that I ruined his life being that he lost his job and is now on probation. His anger didn't stop. He continued to cause noise complaints at our apartment, he smashed a dining room chair, threw me into our bathroom door causing it to break and it seem like he went out of his way to upset me. HOWEVER, there were many days where he was as nice as could be and he was really pleasant to be around. He would buy me gifts, take me on the most fun dates, etc. I also found out that he was abusing (and still is abusing) a prescription for adderall. He was also abusing Xanax while living with me. I pieced all of this together after the fact. In May 2012 he ended up "dumping" me and moving out. This made me feel even more worthless because of how hard I tried to keep things together when I should have left him a long time ago. At that point I had taken so much abuse and reached my breaking point. I actually threw out all of his stuff and changed my locks. I am not proud of what I did and he recovered most of his things - I even ended up feeling sorry and paid him money for what could not be replaced. I am feeling completely destroyed. Ever since May he's been coming in and out of my life on a weekly basis. His moods change from day to day. One day he is happy then next he is telling me how I ruined his life. I am preparing to move this weekend and my ex does not have my new address. I think that this will be a new start for me because he won't be able to just show up at my door anymore. I am just struggling with all of this. I feel like a crazy person because I keep going back for more hurt. He makes me question my own sanity and I am always feeling so confused. Even though him and I are not back together he makes me feel controlled because of how I allow him to come in and out of my life. Why does he do that? I want to be a stronger person and I need advice.

 
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Phoenix (09-27-2012)
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Old 09-26-2012, 11:08 AM   #2
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hazel680 HB Userhazel680 HB User
Re: I desperately need help with my abusive relationship

Ok first of all you should not be ashamed of throwing out his stuff! that was a good thing but you should nt of paid for them afterwards because that was showing him that he was right... anyway .. i dont know what your circumstances are but you need to get this man out of your life.. he has hit you and that is not right.. would you like to see a friend or family treated like that no?
No matter how many nice things he does it doesnt matter... he is a bully and is sick and he will not change!!
You need to get this man out of your life for good .. stop feeling guilty for him being trouble losing his job etc he is putting all the blame on you so he doesnt have to take it and you are accepting this !!
He will not change forget about the good things hes dont they dont matter ! everyone even the worst person has some good things about them !!
once you realise that you are not responsible for him and it is not your fault you can move on ... you need to get him out of your life for good... can you move house ?

 
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Phoenix (09-27-2012)
Old 09-26-2012, 11:15 AM   #3
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hazel680 HB Userhazel680 HB User
Re: I desperately need help with my abusive relationship

Sorry just realised you are moving..
that is great .. move and dont let him know your new address
you will start to feel great with this new start give yourself a few weeks
even if you feel lonely sometimes you will have the hope of not being abused and begin to find a new life for yourself
dont let unhealthy people into your life or try to "help" sick men because you will end up coming out the worst side of it
once you start looking after yourself and feel happy you will attract someone else into your life if that is what you want
you are not crazy but this man will drive you crazy untill you suffer a nervous breakdown of he breaks you down
you obviously have strength because you have arranged to move just please dont let him know where you are going!

 
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Phoenix (09-28-2012)
Old 09-27-2012, 03:18 AM   #4
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j627 HB User
Re: I desperately need help with my abusive relationship

Hazel680,

I appreciate you taking the time to reply to me. It has been very difficult because I am only 25 and on my own... I don't really have anyone. I am certainly not trying to throw a pity party for myself and I have been trying to remain as strong as I can.

To be honest, I think I did suffer a nervous breakdown. I ended having to go to the doctor to get a sedative because of the stress and confusion I have been feeling. It is helping me think more clearly and making me realize a lot.

What really broke me down was that within just this past week or so, and I know this is going to make you sick, we were sexually active. I realized what a terrible mistake this was because he went right back to his up and down behavior. Well, long story short, throughout the whole week he was calling me only to talk about things that didn't even make any sense. Last Saturday night he phoned me 13 times while I was sleeping. He sent me a message telling me he was ending his life and he was so lonely etc. Throughout the week I tried to avoid the calls... sometimes they were friendly, other times I would get messages from him telling me how I ruined his life. Please keep in mind that at this point I don't even bother to yell or fight back, he mainly does all of the talking. So then this weekend he called me from a strip club very intoxicated, just provoking responses. I will admit, I become desperate and confused at times and call him, but lately that behavior has stopped. Then on Sunday we had a lot of negative words back and forth. I basically told him off and told him that he was no good and that I deserved better. Well, he actually changed his phone number and told me that he is dating someone else. He told ME that I need to move on, etc.. All of this behavior and treatment from him has honestly confused to the point of questioning my own sanity. It doesn't make any sense.

"He told me that I need to start with someone new and pretend to be sane like he is doing." Those were his exact words. It doesn't even make sense to me.

For some reason this made me lose it. I don't truly believe that he is seeing someone else. I know he said it just to hurt me. I also feel like he did this as a way to get a reaction out of me, I guess it worked. He is aware that I am moving and I will not give him the address. I feel that this may be a tactic of his for me to breakdown and give him the address.

I will NOT give him the address.


Please, if you have any insight, I would appreciate a response. I know all of this just sounds mental.

 
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Phoenix (09-27-2012)
Old 09-29-2012, 10:41 AM   #5
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Join Date: Sep 2012
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hazel680 HB Userhazel680 HB User
Re: I desperately need help with my abusive relationship

Hi your are ok dont worry
he is acting very strange and doing this intentionally to hurt you
i minute you are ruining his life and the next he is happy off with some one else
Please let him go now.. he has left you and this is your excuse ... your ego is probably dented big time because he left you and thats not how it was suppossed to happen but just look at the positives in this in that you dont have to feel guilty for leaving him now because he has done it for you !!!
even if you feel like you have noone it is better than having one person that is going to drag you down...
I was in this situation before and am out of it over four years.. i dont want to go into details it took a bit of courage to get out of it .. but once i did there was no stopping me ... i was so happy !!!
my ex used to leave me as well which made me feel like the bad one or the "crazy" one... i actually thoughtL i was crazy and at the time i was because he was driving me crazy
again im not going into too many details but trust me ive been there and i came out the other side !!!Follow these steps
Let your ego recover that he dumped you and see the positive that he has set you free!
buy a self help book such as "hes just not that into you" funny book or Women that love too much
Move house and dont let him have the address
Once you get him out of life and feel good about yourself you will attract good things into your life i promise !!!
My ex left me and I was gutted even tho he was the "bad guy" this went on for years when i finally accepted it ... a few weeks or months I was laughing at myself for putting up with it and thinking i had no one else besides him !!!
You are probably not good company for friends to be around because you are confused / and so absorbed by him... i know i felt like that and wasnt good company..
things will change once you allow and I STRESS ALLOW yourself to be happy !
I know your confused and angry and feel awful but this will pass. ... its not your fault.. you fell for a bad guy we all do .... your not crazy .. he is and he knows you have a weakness he can exploit
look at the posititives out of this he is Gone !!!

 
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