Hello Alix and welcome.
I use the waving smiley face as both a means of introduction and a means of letting you know that we're here for you.
The past is truly the key to both the present and possibly the future.What you shared here(and I applaud your efforts) must not have easy but know that you've revealed something about yourself here.
I see your specific insight into your own situation and a person who is willing to be open to suggestions.
Saying that,would you be opposed to seeing a qualified therapist who deals with abuse?
They could probably help you to process your emotions and any subconscious thoughts that may not be apparent to you at this time.
Please realize though,that not even Rome was built in a day;this will be a process and I pray that you will be able to work through even the most painful of issues.
I want for you,the same thing I want for myself and others;a better quality of living.
Let's try to make this a reality,ok?
With Sincere Respect