HealthBoards

HealthBoards (http://www.healthboards.com/boards/)
-   Abuse Support (http://www.healthboards.com/boards/abuse-support/)
-   -   How did I get here....? (http://www.healthboards.com/boards/abuse-support/934936-how-did-i-get-here.html)

brokenmind29 01-11-2013 02:02 PM

How did I get here....?
 
I am new to this board. Thankful I found one. I have needed to talk about my situation.....I'm a private person and don't want anyone I know to know.

I am a 29 year old female who was recently diagnosed with Bipolar 2. Apparently it is most common in females.

For most of my life I have been depressed. My immediate family members can testify to this. I have tried cutting and because scarring was too bad I started getting tattoos ( to feel pain). When that became too much I started taking out all my emotions on my hair...it's been dyed and cut so much I am now sporting a pixie cut.

Like many I have had a troubled life. I always thought it was depression. I just thought I needed to be happy. Why not? All my friends and family are happy...why can't I be? I just turned 29 and decided to give pills a try...since therapy had failed numerous times. My family Dr. prescribed Effexor 75mg.I started taking that once a day and boy was I starting to feel great. She then upped it to 150 mg. I was good! Then after taking the new dosage for about 2 months I started to feel down again. I wanted to disappear and hide in my "black hole" as I call it.

I brought it up to my Dr. and suggested I get a referral from a psychiatrist. She wanted to see if maybe I can get a new cocktail or on a completely new medication. I talk to the psychiatrist and she upped my dosage of Effexor to 220mg a day. I was hopeful. Open to anything to help me. I started noticing my panic attacks happening daily, getting deeper and deeper into depression. Letting family and friends know through little quotes on my IM account and paintings that I was broken and felt more alone than I had ever felt. I had plans. I was going to take action. Yet, in the back of my mind I knew this is not right. I knew it was not "normal" for me to feel this way. I make an appt to see the psychiatrist and informed her of the way I feel. I told her I'm pale, I have frequent nightmares, the dreams are so lucid I wake up in the middle of the night with cold sweats.I mean I was freezing! Yet my clothes were drenched in sweat. I felt dizzy. Brain zaps were happening, I found myself becoming VERY confrontational with people and more importantly I didn't feel safe with myself. It only took the 2 minutes for me to sob and tell her all that I felt for her to admit me.

I couldn't believe it...she was actually admitting me. My thought was even when I made attempts no one admitted me. I was just telling her how I felt. There I was in a psych ward. Removed everything from bobby pins to my heels so I don't injure myself. Not that I was thinking of those items but the hospital felt the need. I cried my eyes out. My dad rushed to the hospital and I wanted him to take me out of there. I begged him. He did not. He sat there next to me in the "day room" and waited for them to get my room ready. He for the first time in my life cried in front of me and expressed how my "broken mind" ( as I call it) needs help. He encouraged me to stay and let out everything I have been holding in. All the resentment and hurt. It was so refreshing to have my dad, finally, after all these years show some support. He called me his baby. I agreed and stayed for a couple of days. While I was there I was diagnosed with Bipolar 2.

Sounds odd but I am sooo glad to know it's not just me being sensitive, etc..I actually have a chemical imbalance. This hospital stay and all these years of depression and actions were legit in a sense. Now my family knows I'm not seeking attention...I'm not being dramatic...I really do have a problem.
They quickly decreased my effexor intake. That first night I was in there I was dropped from 220 mg to 75mg. Then the next day I received my last effexor 75mg pill and began Lamictal 25mg. I am soo grateful to that ward. They made me feel like family. Not at all like the movies. It's day 3 of no effexor and I'm starting to slowly get the brain zaps but only when I stand up and walk. The Lamictal does not let me keep food down...not yet. So even though I am feeling brain zaps and can't eat I know there is a light at the end of my tunnel. Oh and btw I do have a boyfriend. Who the night I returned from the hospital yelled at me and made me feel crazy. He made me feel sooo low. I had to apologize for putting him in that position. The position to know that his gf was admitted to a psych ward and couldn't talk to anyone about it at my request.

Now I understand that is a shock to anyone...but don't yell at me. Especially at my most delicate moment. The moment he said " stop being the bleeding heart. Stop crying. You're grown and not a child." Mind you 1 minute prior to that comment he "OMG here comes the drama queen! cry, cry, cry...pfft! WELCOME HOME!!!" which made me cry even more... I knew he was toxic. He showed his true side. This is a man that I was sure I wanted to marry. We live together and I wanted to be with him forever. He always thanked me for loving him and all his baggage. I didn't care about kids from previous relationships..i took them in my heart and cared for them. I didn't care and I accepted him and all that came with him.

But for him to not kick but basically sat on me while I was down..not literally but metaphorically. Then to end the argument with " now we can move on from this...but if you want sulk and dwell on this that is on you. " I sat there looking at my floor wondering "how did I get here?" He keeps reminding me he is on my side. All I got from that argument is he is trying to control me. If he really loves me like he says he does he would have been more understanding and not making the last 3 days about him. Yes this all happened in the last few days.
I plan to leave and I will. I just need to be smart about it, after the argument the other night I became afraid of him.

Now I know I side tracked a bit form the time I started this thread...but being diagnosed and realizing my bf is not only verbally abusive he is mentally abusive to me as well. I had to let it out. I can't confide in my friends because I am afraid of judgment. This is my outlet.

Phoenix 01-14-2013 05:04 PM

Re: How did I get here....?
 
Hello brokenmind29 and welcome. :wave:

I hear you,loud and clear; really.

I hope that you can view being admitted as a true blessing because it was.

Your boyfriend's insensitivity to your disorder is most unfortunate.
He thanks you for being there for him but on the other hand.......

It's better you know this sooner than later.

You're age doesn't matter here.

We understand what you're going through and any time you want to talk,know that we're ready and willing to listen.

Respectfully
Phoenix

brokenmind29 01-16-2013 11:27 PM

Re: How did I get here....?
 
Thank you so much for your kind words. Your absolutely right.
Its only gotten worse. I just wish I knew how to let go. Now fear has the best of me.

um Monty 01-21-2013 09:17 PM

Re: How did I get here....?
 
Hello brokenmind29,

The problem in letting go for most of us is that we tend to only reminisce about the good times we had and miss them BUT we don't think about the bad things, the things that made us leave, we excuse it away by thinking about how much we loved them BUT really it's what we fantasised we could have and wanted with our partner that we miss and greave because when you look back these are the things you think, you no longer think of why you broke up, you no longer think of the reality. So when you find your self doubting your resolve, and wondering if you've done the right thing, think about and remember why you did it.

Good luck, stay strong, make a choice and stick with it. ;)

AverageUser 01-31-2013 08:26 PM

Re: How did I get here....?
 
Oh, so good for you! You sound so strong and definite! Please consider that like other emotions, fear can be influenced by the chemical changes you are experiencing, so you don't necessarily have to "own" it; it can wave away like it waved in. Changes are frightening, and for a person who is not quite trusting her emotions, maybe bring it up at a support group? Are you attending one?

I have loved a person suffering this, and to contrast your boyfriend's actions, when my partner was diagnosed, I read voraciously. I joined NAMI, where I was given a binder of information, and read it all. I went to his support groups with him, and went to my own, for family members. When he was having a bad time, I called into work to stay with him, though sometimes he wanted nothing to do with anyone. I didn't consider any of it hard or shameful. It could be stressful, but the choices were easy, because I wanted the best for him. Money could be tight, relations with other family members strained, but all that mattered was his health. It was triage.

There's also a very good book called "An Unquiet Mind" by Kay Redfield Jameson. She's a doctor who is also bi-polar, and describes her life experiences, including med changes, and how fear comes into play.

You're so smart to be safe about leaving :) , and I'm glad to hear that you have good emotional support from your dad. He may be willing to help with your plans.

Be gentle with yourself. Safe hugs to you.

AverageUser 01-31-2013 08:27 PM

Re: How did I get here....?
 
Oh, so good for you! You sound so strong and definite! Please consider that like other emotions, fear can be influenced by the chemical changes you are experiencing, so you don't necessarily have to "own" it; it can wave away like it waved in. Changes are frightening, and for a person who is not quite trusting her emotions, maybe bring it up at a support group? Are you attending one?

I have loved a person suffering this, and to contrast your boyfriend's actions, when my partner was diagnosed, I read voraciously. I joined NAMI, where I was given a binder of information, and read it all. I went to his support groups with him, and went to my own, for family members. When he was having a bad time, I called into work to stay with him, though sometimes he wanted nothing to do with anyone. I didn't consider any of it hard or shameful. It could be stressful, but the choices were easy, because I wanted the best for him. Money could be tight, relations with other family members strained, but all that mattered was his health. It was triage.

There's also a very good book called "An Unquiet Mind" by Kay Redfield Jameson. She's a doctor who is also bi-polar, and describes her life experiences, including med changes, and how fear comes into play.

You're so smart to be safe about leaving :) , and I'm glad to hear that you have good emotional support from your dad. He may be willing to help with your plans.

Be gentle with yourself. Safe hugs to you.


All times are GMT -7. The time now is 10:53 AM.