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Old 07-31-2013, 01:30 PM   #1
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nannie8 HB User
Unhappy Emotionally Abusive Elderly Mother

Okay, this is a tough one...but I have a feeling I'm not the only going through something like this.

I'm 47 years old and have been EXTREMELY emotionally and verbally abused by my mother ever since I can remember. I spent my childhood walking on eggshells and by the time I was a teenager, my confidence was blown and my self-esteem completely gone. I've been anxious and have had OCD tendencies ever since I can remember. I get severely depressed and sad a lot, sleep poorly and smoke cigarettes like a chimney. I spent my late teens and twenties (and much of my 30's, really), pretty un-selfaware...not realizing how messed up I was from the systematic manipulation and abuse. I drank too much, had a string of abusive relationships (and a horrific marriage) and pretty much ran from my issues. My mother was horribly MEAN, explosive, negative, nasty, anxious, self-deprecating, spiteful, malicious and treated me horribly. She was a lunatic with all 3 of us kids (I'm the youngest), but I definitely got the worst of it by far, and still do. Now, she is 83 and in terrible health. She lives alone since my Dad died 24 years ago. We have been trying to get her into assisted living for at least 10 years and she refuses, time and time again. She doesn't go to the doctor like she should, doesn't take her medicine properly, eats horribly and lives in complete squalor and filth. She is half blind, half deaf, had a stroke and has vascular issues. For the life of me, I can't believe she is still alive and kicking. Her living conditions are horrible, but she refuses to change them. We had talked about getting her committed, but frankly, I don't want to be involved in that. My dilemma is that I don't want to be involved at ALL anymore. She has ALWAYS had undiagnosed mental issues and has never been very "with it" even in her young days, but now that she's 83, her lunacy has evolved into a whole new entity. Just a few examples of what she does to me: Last year, she left 23 voicemails screaming and yelling at me and calling me a bi***, this that and the other, so many vile things I can't even list them all...all because I wouldn't bring her cigarettes. By the way, I live almost an hour away. My one sibling lives about 5 hours away and the other one about an hour. I'm the only one that works, one doesn't work at all and one is retired. I barley have time for myself AT ALL and I just got married again to an awesome husband who has to watch me pulling my hair out and crying over the crap my mother puts me through. I'll go over there on a Saturday and bring her some food, sit with her, do whatever...run errands if she needs something, etc. and she will be so lovey dovey and nice to me that it actually makes me uncomfortable, because I know what's coming later. Two days later she'll call me and say "Thanks a lot for not coming over. Don't you ever come here again, because I won't let you in." She constantly yells at me and hangs up on me. She ruins so many of my good times. When this happens, I get anxious, upset, angry and sometimes feel like I'm having a heart attack. This is all pent up stuff from dealing with her all these years. She told me that she wishes she could get me fired from my job so I would be broke and would have to come live with her. She insults me constantly. She says the most horrific things to me. Her nastiness is so off the wall that you'd have to know the situation to understand just how bad it is. I know a lot of people that say "My Mom is nuts" but my mom literally is...and mean as a snake. With all that being said, after dealing with the increased amount of abuse the past year, my OCD is becoming very unmanageable, I am anxious, exhausted, fatigued, feel physically horrible and I feel like my blood pressure is through the roof. I feel SICK from this. I have a dr appt. next week to see if I can get some help. I am quite literally falling apart. I have a stressful job and am the breadwinner, so I have pressure from that. We also have financial issues. I have hardly any free time and frankly, I don't think she deserve my visits at all because I get yelled at and abused constantly. I want to cut her off completely. I know she is going to die. She's 83 and in poor health and has refused every bit of help we have tried to give her. We tried to get home care, she refused, we tried to get her involved in things where they pick her up and take her places, she refuses, my brother wanted to buy her a retirement condo, she refuses, she won't let cleaning people come in, she refuses medical treatment, she refuses it all...so I am at the point where I want to say "fine, live in filth, where you can't take care of yourself, I'm out of here." She can't see because of this: I spent a MONTH getting her catract surgery scheduled and the day before she screamed and yelled at me and refused the surgery. A week later when everyone asked why she didn't get the surgery, she said "my daughter wouldn't take me." This is what I deal with all the time. She called me at 8:30 pm last week (I go to bed at 9) and asked me to drive an hour to bring her a lighter! When I said no, she yelled at me, said I wasn't helping her eyes and hung up on me. She tells everyone horrible things about me and I definitely do NOT deserve that. My husband thinks I'm a saint for putting up with her still. Yes, she is going to die. She tells me every day she wants to die, she wants to kill herself. Her quality of life is awful and she has caused me nothing but pain, sadness and a long list of anxiety issues. I will not be in shock when she dies. So, I want to walk away forever. I know I will NEVER get closure on this horrific relationship before she dies. There will never be that moment of realization from her. She honestly has no idea what a horrible mother she was. She is so messed up and always has been...she has no idea and doesn't care if she hurts me. Never has. I needed to vent because I'm dealing with the guilty of walking away. Last year I had to trick her to go to the hospital because she almost died of heatstroke when the electricity went out from storms. She ripped her I.V. out and tried to chase me and threatened to kill me for putting her in there. They had to call security. 17 years ago, I saved her life by recognizing a stroke and getting her to the hospital. The first thing she said when they brought her back to her room at the hospital was YOU DID THIS TO ME! And pointer her finger at me...yelled at me...totally freaked my brother out...and I'm the one that has had to deal with this my whole life. I really need help. I just don't know what I need.

 
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Old 07-31-2013, 06:38 PM   #2
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Re: Emotionally Abusive Elderly Mother

I feel so sorry that you have had such a burden to bear your whole life. The only advice I can give is this: you cannot change her or her problems (though you have tried with the problems). The only part of this situation you can change is your own dealing with it. Your mother is like a force of nature, it will go on whatever you do. The stuff she says and does is not about you, it is coming from some mad place in her head. It cannot hurt you any more. You ave a happy marriage, you have survived a really tough early life and reached a stable place. Do not let this lunatic mother get to you. Let her rant and rave, the important people in your life know who you are.
Hang in there, (you are a caring person, and would not feel good about abandoning her) but distance yourself emotionally. She has done all she can to destroy you and it hasn't worked. You are far stronger than you think, and you can see it through? Do not take it all on yourself, make the siblings take an equal share of the burden.
Be careful though, some places do not accept "she refused" as a defence against a charge of elder neglect, so investigate some sort of intervention to take stock of her situation. Sera

 
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