*hugs tears and doesn't let go* I'm so sorry I have not been here for support. D***...I really wish I was near you or something so I could be more helpful then some person on the other side of a computer screen. I read through all your posts in this thread and it sounds like everything is so difficult for you now. Remember back in the day when you were able to pull out of the dark hole you were in that time. I have so much confidence in you that you can do it. I can't believe people treated you in such a way, you know with your friends and all. I wonder why such an awesome, caring person like you deserves this....if I could take all your pain and throw it out to see you know I would. Though I am not around much these days, you do still know I still care, right?? I am thinking of you and hoping everything that is screwed up will straighten out real soon. Keep writing, I'll keep reading. <3 WW
Thanks walkingwound... I've missed you terribly... I hope you stick around here.. Your words of encouragement mean so much.
As for today, I went to my therapy and right when I got there, I went to my doctor's office and knocked on the door because I wanted to ask him if I would be able to talk to him after the groups and to my surprise, all three therapists were in there, and they asked me to come in and sit down. They had me there, with all of them surrounding, asking me question after question... Basically telling me that everyone in group didn't like me anymore and felt I shouldn't be there anymore because I won't talk. so, I had to tell them the fact that I'm afriad to speak now because everytime I do, people misinterpret my words and I'm always punished for it, when I meant no harm, but they didn't understand that, they just kept taking it as me fighting the help they were offering. So, while I sat there in tears, they kept telling me how horrible I was, but then reassured me, I wasn't that bad. (oxymorons they were) They would tell me they were trying to help me and make me feel better, when all they were doing was making me want to kill myself evenmore. All I was thinking about as they were talking, was how and when and where I would do it... I left the office and went into group covered in tears, thinking of nothing but suicide, and my doctor was oblivious to the fact that he messed me up so much...
After group, he told me to go back to his office to speak with him some more. So, I did. He asked me if I thought I was being treated unfairly, I said no. Thinking in my head, OBVIOUSLY!! Then, he asked me about my classes... Which, are still a complete mess. And he called my school counselor, left her a message. (like he can help me the way I need to be helped with school...) And then I rolled my eyes some more, tried not to cry, and walked away. The bad thing is, as I was walking away, I met up with another patient in the hall and she asked me what he said so I said, "bull$#@t" and right as I was saying that, I had no idea he was behind me, and he said, " I heard that" ... so great, I'm going to have to answer to him about that on Friday. I swear... I hate myself...
Then, tonight, I got a voice mail from my councelor at school, and she said she had talked to my therapist and they had come up with a solution, however that solution means I will be dropping three of my four classes, which means i will not be a full time student like I need to be, in order to keep my medical benefits. Which means, i will have no coverage for my meds, or therapy.. So, now, i want to kill myself evenmore.
Everything is falling apart now. Everything. I'm completely useless, and a failure, and I know ill never amount to anything.. so why go on living? God, I HATE MYSELF!!! I just need everything to end already.. just end.. and let it be.
((((((((((tears))))))))) how did friday go ?? sorry im not feeling so hot and i dont have anything to great to say...but i hope your ok and doing at least a little bit good alright havent forgotten about you or anything
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When you find peace within yourself, you become the kind of person who can live at peace with others.
Well, friday my therapist was a half an hour late to our appointment, which is really irritating to me, when I'm trying to deal with so many things and keep appointments. Then, when I got in there, we talked about everyone else in group but me. The only thing he said to me was that I am not good at making friends, and keeping them. And that made me feel real great... NOT... then, being that it started to late, it was also rushed, so he hurried me in and out, and set me up with another appointment, and said bye until monday...
So, I'm still depressed, but lastnight I went out shopping with some friends, with money I should not have spent, because now, I think im overdrawn.. So, im depressed over that. But, once I started, I just couldn't stop. It was like someone came and took over my body. I was buying for them and me. And before I knew it, I had so many shopping bags, I wanted to cry. So, now I'm just waiting til the end of the month for my bank statement... I'm afriad to tell my doctor too, because he might hospitalize me for spending so much money, and say im out of control... And in a way, I feel like I am, but i cant be hospitalized.. I have so many things I have to take care of right now.. But I guess I am out of control ... I really am.. What am I going to do???
if youve not taken the labels etc off, take some of the stuff back, return it and say its the wrong size, it was a birthday pressie and you got 2 of them, you bought it for someone elses birthday and your sister bought them the same thing etc, that'll solve the money thing! try and explain to the therapist that you can't afford to not be a full time student, i'm sure he'll agree that staying on is better than having to come off the meds etc coz you can't afford them. try writing down all your problems and trying to come up with solutions you can try, some will be impossible, but you may be surprised how much you can come up with. try saying hi to people in the group, they may respond, its worth a shot! i know you can sort yourself out, your too strong a person to let all this $h!te get on top of you. thinking of you.
((((((((((((((((tears)))))))))))))) My heart goes out to you. I too have missed talking with you. I really disagree with the statement about poorly making friends, though I do know you face to face, you really do seem to have great social skills in the way you relate on here. I don't have any absoultely brillant advice...but I do want you to know I am thinking of you. I totally agree with Fudge, perhaps you can return some od the items you bought? I hope everything gets better. Take care, as always. <3 WW
Thanks everyone for your support.. But I think today I've hit the ultimate bottome...
I went to group as usual, not thinking anything more of it, and I approached my therapist after the last group asking him when my appointment is for this week, because he makes all of my appointments for me, (i have to have an appointment once a week with him bc its in my behavioural contract) and he said he doesnt have time to see me this week, but next week he'll try to fit me in. I wanted to scream. I told him he was not serious and that he could not break my behavioural contract, I wouldn't let him, and the fact that i have anniversaries coming up that are difficult and ive been in need of a real talk with him for some time now. And he just dropped his hands and said, he has no time. I felt my eyes well up with tears right then, but I was not about to let him see them fall, so I threatened not to go to group on wednesday, and walked away, and he said ohh yea, theres an example of passive agressive for ya, and i yelled back, im not coming!
So, I left with tears begging to fall, however, never letting them fall, I just got in the car and got all flustered, and drove off. Then, I went out and got lunch, and went about my day, and then I got a call from an aquaintance which I found odd, but I answered anyway, and he told me one of my closest friends was killed this morning in a car accident. So, what do I do? I'm going crazy, so I call my therapist who has no time for me but is the only person I could think of to call, and he answers and is shocked at my news, asking me so many questions about it, me trying to answer through my tears, then he gets about 4 others calls during my one call and puts me on hold while im in major crisis, and i cant take it, he asks me what i think i should do, when thats what im asking him, so i wait til he puts me on hold for the 5th time and i hang up. then i turn off my cell, and unplug the phone, and get online so I can talk to you all about this.. because im hurting so much, and now i only have you all as my friends.. and I feel alone right now.. so alone.. please help me..
Thanks for all the support lately. I'm sorry I've been such a loser in needing it. I'm sorry I've been so lame in dragging all of you with me in bringing up my problems. I can't stand myself when I bring up my core issues like this. I like to be the one helping instead of the one getting help. I feel so stupid. I'm so sorry everyone. I shouldn't have brought all of my misery to the boards. I always have bad things happen to me like this and when it hurts so bad to the extent to where I feel like I need to talk, that's all I do, until I feel safe not talking about it, but then I feel so guilty talking about it. So, im sorry for talking about it. There are so many others of you who im sure need the support I'm taking and keeping all to myself. I'm so sorry everyone, I'm such a horrible person for doing this. I won't talk about anything anymore for a while.. don't worry.. I'm here now only to GIVE support, not to get.. I've taken way too much with these few situations that have come up all at once, and I didn't realize it, but I am sincerely apologetic, and wish I could take it all back. I don't mean to ever take from others. I hope you all understand this is from my heart. You all mean so much to me. Take care everyone.. I'll survive somehow... ~tears
you are NOT a loser... just someone who is going thru a really rough time. it better seeking help and looking "lame" than keeping it all bottled up inside... you are not a horrible person... please dont think that... you dont have to apologize for anything.. we are here for you when you need us...
i hope things start to turn out for the better... i will be thinking of you... *hugs*
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I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it. ~Jack Handey
Well, my doctor, (therapist) called in sick on friday, when in truth he wasn't, he was just using it as an excuse to have a day off to finish moving into a newer and more expensive house he just bought. He's becoming such a flake. I'm still not in my classes and I don't have much more time. I only have until the day before my birthday and that's in 13 days. Well, now it's 12 days... I'm so stressed out. He's just strolling along with everything as though he can just take his time with it, and he can't. He doesn't understand, my medical coverage is at stake here. But then again, he doesn't have to care, because he has all he needs. He has a house, a job, his benefits, his health, a stable mind set... He's pretty together- or enough to have the type of job to tell others how to get it together for themselves. So, why should he rush to help me, when he's fine himself? Ugh... I just want to scream. I need HELP and Im just not getting it. Ive been trying to get on disability, so ive been going to the social security office several times, and filling out numerous papers, and then, everytime i get something in the mail, my mother ALWAYS opens it, like im a child! I'm going to kill her!! She makes me soo mad. She needs to just back off, and get out of my business. I swear I'm so close to the edge right now.. And on top of all of this, I'm supposed to be moving with my mother to a new place which is smaller, in two weeks and im not ready for that, which is going to bring her boyfriend closer and im not looking foreword to that, and all i want to do is die.. i really think i need to be put into the hospital again, but i know if i go, my mom is going to blow it all out of proportion and get all ****** off, and then start going through all of my things and take my medication saying i cant be trusted and all of this crazy stuff.. and I just dont know what to do anymore.. I'm always forced to until I see my therapist on monday so i guess i will just have to see and hope i dont go ultimately crazy in the meantime..
I have tried to complain about him, but the only person I can comlain about him to is the head of psychiatry, which is my psychiatrist. Whom, i don't get along with too well, however have no choice but to be with him, because I am a "difficult case" now, as I have stated before, and whenever I state something, or complain or comment about someone or something to him, it always gets right back to the person it is about, and it is always treated as though it's not them, it's me. Because im the one who is "sick" and mentally unstable. So, i know if i go in, and tell him exactly how i feel and that i dont trust my therapist anymore, or anyone in my intensive therapy group, because they're all out to get me, (the doctors) then i know i will just be thrown into the hospital and probably locked up for longer this time.. ugh... I'm so stuck, i just don't know what to do. I really hope monday goes well. I'm really crossing my fingers with this one.
sorry ive kinda gotten behind on whats going on tears maybe you can go to a different place altogether? and start over ? but i know how hard starting over can be too so i wouldnt be to happy to do that either ! but its always an option ya know .... hope you dont end up in the hospital against your will but if you 'need' to go then plz go maybe you just need a rest or something to figure things out .... but then maybe everything will just work out for the best and you wont have to go anywhere..
thinking of you
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When you find peace within yourself, you become the kind of person who can live at peace with others.
Well I went to group today and it went surprisingly well. My therapist was there, and he was actually really "there" for once, his whole mind, not just his body. We started group out by talking about how our weekend went, and as it came to my turn, i talked about how mine started out fine, but ended horrible. And he asked me how I felt today and I said horrible because I haven't fully recovered from my weekend. And the whole time, i have mostly been in a daze, I've been dissassociating a lot lately and today it was really bad, not to mention my voices were really loud, because ive been forgetting to take my meds. So, I spaced a lot during group and i guess he noticed and he walked up to me after group and asked if i wanted to go back to his office and i sed i dont care, so, we went, and we talked about everything that has been going on, and how ive really been feeling and all. So, i felt a lot better about how i had been feeling about him, so he said he was going to deal with my school situation and that totally made me feel much better. And he talked to me about some of the other patients and how ive been interacting with them and so on, and he made me realize a lot about myself, and i left his office feeling a lot better than when i went in. So, i feel much better about things now.. But, as we all know, someone with: Major recurrent depression, borderline personality disorder, OCD, Schitzo affective disorder, Self-injurious tendancies, and so on... good days, never out number the bad.. But, I should be extremely thankful for this one.. Which I am... I hope everyone else is doing good.. Let me know how you all are.. Post on it!!!
yay! i am glad it went better! i am so happy for you! although the bad days outweigh the good, the good mean so much more because they are so special...
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I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it. ~Jack Handey
Thanks ivy... but now im afraid my depression is sinking back in.. I just found out that my "adopted" mom, is leaving me, and moving, and I'm not going to get to see her anymore. And she means everything to me. Today we went out to lunch, and we had a long talk, and we talked about it, and as she said it, I could feel my heart drop way down. I just want to die. She's all I have, she was trying to get me to see it as not losing her, but getting a new opportunity to meet new people, and get close to them, but I don't want anyone but her. She's my mom, and has been for 8 years. We have bonded so much, and now I'm just supposed to let her go without any struggle, I'm going to die.. She's everything to me. I don't know what I'm going to do without her...
havent forgotten about you or anything
~Jack Handey
maybe you can go to a different place altogether? and start over ? but i know how hard starting over can be too so i wouldnt be to happy to do that either ! but its always an option ya know .... hope you dont end up in the hospital against your will but if you 'need' to go then plz go maybe you just need a rest or something to figure things out .... but then maybe everything will just work out for the best and you wont have to go anywhere.. 
