Ive been going to my groups like I'm supposed to, however, they have become a new problem to me. The people in the group, are allowed to walk all over me, because I'm nothing to the doctors, because I'm younger than everyone else. When I'm the same age as another girl in the group. We're both 19, and I'm turning 20 next month. I'm always in a panic, and dealing with extreme anxiety when I go into group now, and I dread it every day I have to go. My doctor has cancelled EVERY one on one appointment we have made in the past month, so I have had no therapy other than group, which I refuse to say anything in because everything I say gets twisted around no matter how simple it may be. So, I sit silently, getting more and more depressed, driving me closer and closer to the edge, and forcing me back into my little hole I lived in for so many years, where I would do nothing but cut, and that was it. I have been able to keep myself from cutting in order to not get kicked out of this group so I can have my therapy, and "get better" but they are hurting me more and more. And, I know I'm going to cut.. It's that simple.. I'm going to. I don't care about that group anymore, my doctor stopped caring whether I lived or died and that pretty much made me stop caring.. So, I could really just cut in pretty deep tonight.. I have nothing anymore.. My only source of support here, dropped me, because im young, and umm.. I feel like it's basically all up to me.. I was doing fine before, when I was allowed to cut, or.. when I was cutting, so now.. I think i have no choice but to resort back to it.. I just feel like I'm losing all ground I stand on... I throw my hands down... I give up..
I'm so sorry things are going so badly, I can really se where you are coming from, but isn't it worth giving it another week? Or one final therapy session? Cutting isn't going to make you feel better for long, but therapy can, and in the end it will. At you're next therapy session can you explain the situation and the dillema you are in? You have done so well to not cut for this long, its amazing, and you deserve more than this.
finding people who understand is finding people you may lose
today I found out my therapist broke the confidentiality rule and told my friend something i talked to him about without my knowing because she then came and accused me of something i had nothing to do with, but she brought up the fact that he told her. So i called him and he had nothing nice to say to me, which he said in nothing but an attitude. He completely disrespected me, and acted rudely and unkindly. I have no one in therapy i can turn to now, and not even my own therapist is safe to talk to. i hate my life.. i hate it.. i just want to die.. now i have to go to group on monday and deal with all of this and deal with my friend and her drama because of him. he had no written consent to speak to her, and he did. he should lose his job for that. i hate him, i hate the group, and everyone in it, i wish they would all die... i need to cut.. thats my only escape..
you should report your doc that was so not fair of him and he should lose his job....can you not go to group? or find help another way? i hope you make it till monday in one piece ...thinking of you and dont give up ok
When you find peace within yourself, you become the kind of person who can live at peace with others.
hey tears... im so sorry about the way things are going... you should def. turn your doctor in... thats not right at all... maybe you should try another therapist b/c they can help you out in the long run...
i hope you find someone you can trust... there are good people in the world... i think you are one of them!
Hey everyone.. Thanks for al the support.. I'm still really struggling with all of this. I guess I'm just completely in shock that all of this has happened, and I can't shake it off. But, I go to group tomorrow, which I'm having incredible anxiety about, and I'll be seeing him then, along with the other group member involved in this situation, so I have a feeling things may be said then. I'm utterly depressed, I don't want to say one word, I just want to die. I'm right back to where I was before I originally was placed in this group almost a year ago... And that doesn't say much about the group. Or the doctors. I feel as though I am very close to completely breaking down again, and I know that the end result to that would either be, death, or the hospital. And only one of which is pleasing to me right now. So, I would have to make sure my plan was full proof. Which, right now, I can't think clear enough to even really form great sentences here, so I know thats on hold for the meantime... I'm just stuck. and I hate it. because i cant go tomorrow and tell him that he made my life a living hell, and he made me want to kill myself even more. I cant tell him i want to die... i cant say anything. because i dont want anything to be misconstrued, which it always seems to be... so, I am .... stuck... all alone.. and stuck.. I hope you all are doing better than me... Thinking of you all.. ~tears
Shh, calm down... Its going to be all right. Don't let these people get under your skin, because thy don't have the right to dosomething like that. If they want to be complete idiots, let them. Its not your problem, because they aren't really the ones making you feel better. Therapy is supposed to give you support so you can help yourself, but if that isn't happening here then it is just a waste of your time. You aren't alone, honestly, because we are here, and if we didn't care we wouldn't reply to this. So, come on, cheer up, be happy.... Or at least don't be sad. This is Shino... signing out... But heyla, let us know how that group session goes, all right?
Hey everyone.. Well, I went to my group today, and I was late, so I missed the first group, but was there for the second and third group. I wasn't planning on sharing anything, and the whole time everyone else was sharing, I was listening, but I was also writing in my journal because all of a sudden I got these overwhelming thoughts and they started to consume my mind. So, that actually helped relieve the anxiety, and when it came to be my turn to talk, I said that I didn't appreciate the disrespect I received from people who had high positions and how they loosely threw my voiced feelings and thoughts out to others in the group when it was supposed to be confidential. So, now my doctor knows, and I have a one on one with him on Wednesday, so I'm hoping we accomplish a lot in that meeting. I feel very depressed still however. And, I'm not sure how to get out of this. Ive been trying to do different things to get me out of this low point, but i feel like ive fallen really hard and all i want to do is sleep. I have my classes i have to make sure i keep up with so my professors dont get on me, but im to the point where i dont even care about college anymore. I just want it all to end. I wish someone would see me for what I really am; hurting... alone... empty... dead... broken...
AAAAHHHH!!!! I don't know what's wrong with me.. Ive been having these terrible nightmares about my friend... well, someone who i thought was my friend until they betrayed me so bad I can't stand them anymore, and I can't seem to stop having these nightmares about her. Shes driving me crazy. And then when I wake up, All I do is think about her, because I can't stop replaying the stupid dream over and over again in my head. Shes in my group that I go to three times a week, but she hasnt been there so far this week, which I have been so happy about, but who knows if she'll show up tomorrow. I really dont care if she goes, I just hate her. its not like im bitter, but i hate her. IDK.. im so confused.. anyway, my one on one went okay, i didnt say much... i was too upset, instead i simply took care of business and had him fill out some paperwork i have been waiting on. He asked me why i have been so depressed lately, but I ignored him, and went on with the paperwork. I know that wasnt good, but i know if I were to have broken down and told him what was really going on, i would have fallen completely apart, more so than i already am. And I can't afford to do that right now.. So, i guess ill just have to see how tomorrow goes..
Well, I missed the groups on Friday because I was just too depressed to even get out of bed. I'm at a point where I feel utterly disgusting to look at, so I'm afraid to go out in public now... I was almost going to start cutting at my face, but I had no energy to do so, therefore, I didn't. I feel physically sick, and emotionally exhausted. However, I did call my doctor friday afternoon to tell him why I wasn't there, and I made another appointment to see him because I know if I continue the way I am, I'll do something drastic, and he said okay, and we hung up. Then I started to cry, and cry... And I couldn't stop. Until I finally fell asleep, which brings me to now... Still depressed. Cut 4 times.. hopeless.. but still alive..
i wish i knew what to say, i feel like ****** right now, so... but i am glad that you didnt cut your face... just remember that crying is healthy, and its a great way to get out all that emotion built up inside... are you thinking about getting another dr. or do you have to stay with this one. i hope that if you have to stay with him, that your future meetings with him are more sucessful, and try, if you can to tell him how badly things are going for you right now, ok... well i hope you feel better and i will be thinking about you.
hugs and stay safe
I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it. ~Jack Handey
Well, I went to my group on Monday and I didn't talk yet again. I just couldn't open my mouth. It was like I was paralyzed and my fear got the best of me. From there, I had a meeting to go to about being put on disability, because I can't work now, because of all of my issues, and that was very difficult talking to someone who was not only new at her job, but also had no idea what I was trying to explain to her about my illness in the questions she had to ask. I don't feel any better, and I'm frustrated about this, because I normally can pull it together for the sake of others, but for some reason, I just can't this time. I'm just completely lost in my own world of depression, hopelessness, and abandonment. I'm all alone, and no one here really seems to see that I need help now. I'm constantly dissassociating, and saying things outloud when I dont mean to becuase of that. Ive been terrified a lot more frequently, and I just don't see any point to my life. Before I was in school, I thought school was the answer, but now, I'm "in" school, but i don't have my classes still because they're all messed up and they end in May, and they began in January, and I'm way behind, and I have to be in school so I dont lose my benefits for medical, but, my classes are still messed up and Im not enrolled correctly, and all this. So, im stressed out about this. And I'm going to be moving about 40min. away from everything and everyone I know so well, which isnt that far, I know, but it's still a ways, and gas costs a fortune now, and my car still needs to be fixed which is costing a lot. I just know when I move I'm going to isolate myself in my room, because I'm going to have a room once again, and I'm afraid im going to go back to cutting more and more because I'll have that privacy again. I'm just so depressed. I'm going to be going to my group again tomorrow, and I think im going to bring all of this up to my therapist. Well, if I can talk. I can't believe how incredibly difficult it is for me to talk now. I told my therapist the other day how i feel as though I'm slipping right back to the way I was before I even entered the group therapy, and all he had to say was, "really? why do you think that?" And I said, " becuase I dont talk anymore, its hard for me to talk, im afriad to, and I keep everything inside." and that was the end of it... He really cares.. hmm... I guess I shouldn't expect anyone to care about me anymore though.. I'm just too much to handle.