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Old 01-09-2009, 12:48 PM   #16
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Re: when will i stop missing my husband

I would have to agree with you about not making any major decisions now. My husband named his brother as the executor of his will and at first I didn't understand why he did that, but now I do. He was watching out for me. He knew I would not be able or know what had to be done. He was right, I walk around half the time in a daze. He has really helped me through this. I have only lived here about 7 years and have no family here. All my family is in Memphis, and they would like for me to move back there, but everytime I start thinking of moving back I get sick. I do not want to move back there. I love it here. But it is very hard in this house looking around and seeing my husband everywhere. But I don't think I would want to be any where else. So I would think long and hard before making those kind of decisions.
Susan

 
Old 01-09-2009, 03:43 PM   #17
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Re: when will i stop missing my husband

showe005

when you are ready, change the decor. it will do wonders to make 'our house' . . . "YOURS"

Even though we were in my childhood home, the decor was definitely to appease my husband who was a big doo wopp record collector. So we had records on the walls, a large poster in the kitchen and we re-designed the kitchen to be almost like a 50s diner with the chrome table, nargahide chairs, crosby radio that looks like a jukebox. Since he was a lover of Coke Cola, we had the walls (uggg) Coke yellow. He got from me Coca Cola plates, dishes, cups and glasses. He also got a red/white checker tablecloth and check-handled silverware.

While I left the table and chairs and the radio, I took down the music memoriabilia. I also re-did my bedroom and my son just painted my hallway and stairs a (don't laugh) green color only it looks like Gumby!

so make it you and you'll find that it doesn't bother you to stay around the area. Find volunteer things to sign up for, there's always someone around that has it worse.

Last edited by caringsister54; 01-09-2009 at 03:45 PM.

 
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Old 01-11-2009, 05:12 PM   #18
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Re: when will i stop missing my husband

psm, take caring sisters advice. I know exactly how you feel. if I was living in my house of 30 years now. I think it would be so hard to stay in. where we raised our 3 kids and all the work Walt put into it. building the garage and landscaraping the yard and etc. just last night I bought some new drinking glasses. didnt need them but a change. dont want to forget Walt. but everything reminds me of him. and like you right now it hurts. everyone say think of the good things and we do. but yes it hurts so bad. but today. I thought , dealth will not take away my love or memories Iv got. she was so young to suffer the way she did. Im sooooooooooooooooo sorry you went through that. my 4o year annivarsary will be Valintines Day. baby girl wants me to come to NY. also I will turn the big 60. 4 days later. a young 60. haha. hubby and I always acted younger than we where. and he teased me about turning 60. but also said its just numbers. I had no choice because of foreclosure. but like caring sister said . remodle some things. but dont do it all at once. give it time. Walt hung a clock up so he could tell time. a tacky one. i cant take it down yet. you take care of yourself. disney world, faye

 
Old 01-11-2009, 05:56 PM   #19
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Re: when will i stop missing my husband

Disney
I feel so bad about the foreclosure. Try working with the bank. I hear the last thing they need is more homes on the market to get rid of. See if there's some re-negotiation that can be done.

See if getting a second job would help. If they knew you'd do direct deposit of that check to them, they just may settle with you.

I'm so sorry that you have this burden on top of losing Walt. My prayers are always with you.

I had recent surgery so I wasn't up to jumping all over the site. My mother has dementia and normally I'm under that category to help others and get help from others regarding special circumstances.

But i grieve every day and have for the last 4 years of My Mikey's life. Here was his Memory Card saying that I wrote when he passed:

Michael was truly a blessed man, but we were all blessed more by knowing him, being around him, laughing with him and loving him.

From the moment of his creation and forever more, Michael was always surrounded by people whether it was a home, work or at play. Even with his passing, he is not alone for he went to join our Lord and the ones who passed before him.

To all of us he left behind, the music of his life and the memories of Michael will always play on.

------------------
I will always tell everyone that they will never stop missing their special person but God helps us put one foot in front of the other and get through his days in the manner he expects, he wants, and he commands.

I think about you and hope my prayers help you get through it.

 
Old 01-11-2009, 06:24 PM   #20
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Re: when will i stop missing my husband

hey thanks for replying. hope all is going well with your surgery. no my house is gone. as of April 2008. dont even want it back now. second job. dont have first job. walt always took care of me. I travell and spent his money. hahah. but thats the way he liked it . i will get through this. I lost Wally my son and if I can get through that. I can get through this. just hurts so much. I can be laughing and then I think of things walt would do and it just seems me on another crying spell. we had a special relationship. I could tell him anything. my girlfriends coulnt believe I told him certain things. hahah he was my best friend. hope I will meet someone soon. no they will not be Walt. but Im a people person and dont want to be alone. and I know Walt would want me to get on with my life. again hope your surgery is doing ok. take care. disney world. faye

 
Old 01-12-2009, 05:30 PM   #21
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Re: when will i stop missing my husband

hey psm, I feel everything you are feeling . I cant even go to the grocery store without walking out. Walt always did the shopping . he loved it. today I saw m&m candy. and he set me off crying. he ate so much of them when he was sick. and he wasnt a sweet eater. just a craving he had at one time. then he put on few pounds and he stop. he was always so neat and took care of hisself up to the end. so good looking. everyone thought that. hahah not just me. he loved me so much. he would always call me pumkin. i miss him so much. and yes Im very sad right now. just like you. wish we all could me and have a pity party but i know we cant. i just feel so alone . people are great but hey they have their lives. and I just sit here and think about Walt. i shake my head at times. and say Walt. where are you. you always took care of me. have another appt. Wed. with ;my lawyer. found out I will collect his ss in March. and that even makes me cry. knowing he is still taking care of me. im too young to be a widow . just like you and everyone else. I know things could be worst. but this hurt just seems to be getting worse each day. i wish i could dream about him but that hasnt happen yet. had a night mare though one night and woke up scared. I also wake up crying at times. you take care of yourself and I will try to take my advice too. disney world. ps im named this because we went to disney world 12 years and sometimes twice a year. my baby girl loved it and as long as we could afford it. Walt said we would. then my son died in 1999. and thats the last time we went .

 
Old 01-13-2009, 05:08 AM   #22
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Re: when will i stop missing my husband

I write to my Mikey. When he died, there was an on-line guest book and people started writing thoughts and memories of him. I wrote there too although I was hurting so badly and it came through in my writings. My sister-in-law said she would sit and cry for hours reading my pain.

Now I have a journal on my laptop and periodically, I put down what I need to. If I'm angry over something and he's not here to make it better, I yell at him. If I miss him, if the kids achieved wonders, etc. Its all there.

Reading back to the beginning and coming forward, I see just how far I've come. Plus, my Mikey isn't truly gone and my letters help me. I also go up to his grave and bring balloons since they clear flowers off very fast up there. I tie the balloon off to a stake and then after spending time sitting there and talking with him and listening to his doo wopp music from my car radio, I cut the one I wrote a message on and send it up to heaven.

It's my way of always having him recognized for being here one earth and loving me.

Take Care

 
Old 01-13-2009, 09:14 AM   #23
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Re: when will i stop missing my husband

Dear Disney. Caring Sister, and anyone/everyone on this board, or who feels grief and loss at their Partner's death, Thank You for sharing. Finding this message board on New Years Eve may have saved my neck. I am, however, finding out about more resources in the face-to-face world. I've been talking to a professional counselor, a social worker, with an MSW (master of social work) Degree. She has been really helpful on a lot of levels, thinking of ways to keep me busy and interested in life, helping me with estate and financial paperwork, and just really, verbally talking about grief and how to deal with it. Also, I'm about to join a face-to-face Bereavement Support Group through my local Hospice organization. I'll keep y'all posted on progress with that. And, when I'm able, there are a lot of volunteer positions available, as I'm told, that if you are helping another person going through a rough time, it makes YOU feel better, more useful and maybe even happier. I've been asked by my local library if I'd like to tutor at risk gang youth in reading. The library folks think these early teen boys would relate better to me than their standard, mid-60's grandma ladies that normally volunteer to tutor. I'm not ready to take that step yet, but am looking forward to being some use to someone. Losing the Love Of Your Life, or your Child, is about the worst thing that can happen to a person. But, we, none of us, within this grief-stricken social subset, should just "fold up" and stop living. I'm trying really hard to continue to live by the ethics, moral excellence and values that I learned from My Wife. That will keep a part of Her alive in this world. It will be hard to go on, but what choice do we, any of us, have? Hang in folks, this is one rough bumpy lonesome road, but we cannot forget that once, a wonderful person thought that we were worth spending their life with. We, all of us, have to trust in that wonderful person's judgement, and continue to be, as much as we can, the people that our departed Spouses loved. Love and Luck to all...keep posting, keep communicating. PSM

Last edited by PSM; 01-13-2009 at 09:17 AM.

 
Old 01-13-2009, 09:26 AM   #24
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Re: when will i stop missing my husband

Oh, and one more thought...we have to take care of ourselves phyisically as well. I was diagnosed with, treated, and "cured" of throat cancer right before My Girl was diagnosed with ov. cancer. When She got sick, I stopped following up with my oncologist, as there was no time for me to be sick, when She died, I vowed that I would not, ever, put myself in the hands of the american medical system. I'm not sure what prompted it, but last night, in an appointment with my GP for depression treatment, I asked him to write a scrip for a cat scan of my throat. I will have this done in late february, after a brief trip with my brother. I thought I didn't care about my own health anymore, but I know my Wife would want me to at least follow up on my condition. I've gone from not caring, about my own health to at least caring enough to ask for a follow-up scan that is a year overdue. I think that is progress.
Thanks, because you health-board posters helped me to feel that I'm worth it. PSM

Last edited by PSM; 01-13-2009 at 09:31 AM.

 
Old 01-13-2009, 10:44 AM   #25
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Re: when will i stop missing my husband

Dear PSM
Oh honey, you are so very worth it, don't ever doubt and don't ever forget it.

Glad you are taking a trip. glad about the therapy and yes, step up to the plate and help someone. I did. I first looked into the Red Hat Society for woman over 50 but their activities were only during the day and I still work full-time.

Then I went and volunteered at the library teaching ESL. It was simple and easy and I did it for one or two days per week about an hour to an hour and 1/2

It's always good to help another. Keep up the good work. We are all proud of you.

 
Old 01-13-2009, 06:43 PM   #26
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Re: when will i stop missing my husband

yes psm and caring sister . I feel like I know you two. my best friend since we where 14 years old and we rekindle our friendship when we lost our house in April and they help us move. and we have kept in close everysince. she has been with me through Walts sickness and here for me during his passing. yesterday her husband committed sucide. totally a shock. been with her all day. sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo sad. there where best buddies just like Walt and I. she found out today. she thought she took out live insurance. but her mistake she took out accidential insurance. so she has nothing. she is 62 and I told her she could get his ss which is better hers or his. still new too me. just so much saddness . I made my self go to her. she would always tell me how strong I was. because she wanted to go before her hubby. and now this. im crying now because of her or is because of me. just brings back the hurt. but also like you and caringsister says we can help others. and I will be there for her. take care disney world. (faye)

 
Old 01-14-2009, 03:07 AM   #27
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Re: when will i stop missing my husband

Oh my God! That is so very sad.

Believe me when I tell you I had a close childhood friend who did the same thing.

Its sad for those that were left behind and filled with questions and self-doubt. Please assure her that she wasn't to blame. When someone crosses the line of self-preservation, there's no turning back or saving them. You may delay it but it'll never totally 'not happen'

All you can do is hold her. Don't give her too much advice at this point because you are still learning yourself. There's a lot she's going to find out.
First -- upon his death -- even if he had life insurance, most have a suicide clause that would void it and she wouldn't get a payout anyway.

2nd -- if there's credit cards and they have balances, she'll be required to pay them off as soon as possible. The cards that have her as an authorized user and not acquired with her name and credit as well as his, will probably walk away from their balances.

She's in pain, she'll need time to grieve and should take whatever time is needed. I'm sorry that he cheated her by not talking about his pain (real or imagineable) He also probably had some issues that were so over-whelming. I hope that she doesn't find anymore surprises that he may have done prior to taking his life.

I will keep her in my prayers.

CaringSister54

 
Old 01-14-2009, 05:14 AM   #28
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Re: when will i stop missing my husband

good morning, I suppose I didnt mention what happen to Wally. my son. he also committed sucide. i do know some what pain she is going through. sucide is not a answer we all know that. but its there. never in a million years we thought Wally would do it at 26. great kid . no drugs in his system. last think he said to me on the phone. was mom I love you. he was a commedian just like her hubby was . always laughting and everyone loved both of them dealy. good memories. in fact I once had a crush on her hubby. of course before we where married. his name was Walter also. like my Walt. sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo sad. going to a lawyer today to sign papers and what ever to get these creditors straighted out. Walt never left us in the shake. he was his cancer that did it. and with her Im so afraid there will be other things down the line. he kept many secrets from her. and she said that last night. first night she was angry with him. yesterday she is talking on how will she go on with this. and she means finacially. wish I could help so much but right now Iv got to get my own finaces straightes. walt did leave me with life insurance. also yesterday I had to take my brother to hospital he fell and a know came up on his arm. but once we got there is a blessing because of his heart. they are going to put a pacemaker in today. he lives in wisconsin and he has been here since Thanksgiving. no family but me. so again a blessing. he is planning on moving here within a year. so yall out there have a great day. as if its our last day here on earth. bless everyone. disney world faye

 
Old 01-15-2009, 09:00 AM   #29
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Re: when will i stop missing my husband

Quote:
Originally Posted by caringsister54 View Post
Oh my God! That is so very sad.

Believe me when I tell you I had a close childhood friend who did the same thing.

Its sad for those that were left behind and filled with questions and self-doubt. Please assure her that she wasn't to blame. When someone crosses the line of self-preservation, there's no turning back or saving them. You may delay it but it'll never totally 'not happen'

All you can do is hold her. Don't give her too much advice at this point because you are still learning yourself. There's a lot she's going to find out.
First -- upon his death -- even if he had life insurance, most have a suicide clause that would void it and she wouldn't get a payout anyway.

2nd -- if there's credit cards and they have balances, she'll be required to pay them off as soon as possible. The cards that have her as an authorized user and not acquired with her name and credit as well as his, will probably walk away from their balances.

She's in pain, she'll need time to grieve and should take whatever time is needed. I'm sorry that he cheated her by not talking about his pain (real or imagineable) He also probably had some issues that were so over-whelming. I hope that she doesn't find anymore surprises that he may have done prior to taking his life.

I will keep her in my prayers.

CaringSister54

 
Old 01-15-2009, 09:08 AM   #30
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Re: when will i stop missing my husband

Disney,
I'm not sure what the law says where you live, but if possible, get a social worker to review anything the lawyers tell you or your childhood friend. MSWs are trained in what and how to pay bills in crisis time. They can also "front" for you if talking about painful issues just gets to be too much. I got very worn out having to repeat my story over and over to banks, creditors, etc...and the MSW that is working with me is helping with all contacts. Hospice can refer one, your state may have another type of referral service. If you find a good MSW it can help a lot, as they also offer counseling along with help doing painful tasks like sifting through months worth of bills. A good, honest lawyer is tough to find, and having someone to review what they tell you is a good idea. You can't be too careful. Good Luck and God Bless.
PSM

 
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