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Old 01-20-2009, 08:55 AM   #31
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Re: when will i stop missing my husband

psm, Iv got a good lawyer. He was hubbys lawyer and he has recommended me to one of his partners that does this kind of work. today it will be put in the paper about the estate and to my knowledge. it will be in 90 days for creditors to contact them. my mom always said you cant get blood out of a turnip green. hahaha. Im taking one day at the time. feel like I cant mourn for Walt. so many bills coming in. and how are you doing. im here in NC and its snowing big time. pretty too look at. but dont want to be stuck in it. take care faye, disney world

 
Old 01-21-2009, 10:30 AM   #32
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Re: when will i stop missing my husband

Dear Disney,
I'm glad you have a lawyer you can trust. They are rare. I'm doing OK, I've just emailed the couple of people that sent xmas cards, who did not know My Girl had died. It was hard, but I got through. you will have time, more than you'd like probably, to mourn your husband. Today actually is one of my "bad" days, when I can't seem to do much more than
mourn, and look at photos of better days. Yesterday was a "good" day...when I seemed to be making progress with grief and mourning. none of this is easy. The worst part is that My Beautiful Wife was barely 40 years old, I'm 52...to me She was just a kid, and should have had a whole, full life ahead. when She was sick, I prayed all the time that God would take me, afflict me, instead of Her...unfortunately, God does not bargain.
I do have memories of a great 17 year relationship, and 15 years of marriage. I think of it as Our "Camelot", but like Camelot, it's over now...and is alive through love and memory. I tell myself I'll never get over this, but I WILL get through it! God Bless, PSM

 
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Old 01-21-2009, 05:24 PM   #33
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Re: when will i stop missing my husband

hey , psm, today has also been a bad day for me. had to go get my brother some meds. and I had to hide in the corner. the tears just wouldnt stop. thinking how many times did i go get Walts meds. he just turn 65 and Im 59. but we where young at heart. he still look good at the end. always kept his pride . so sad. he had no quality of life. and less always remember dealth cant take away our love and memories of our love ones.

 
Old 01-22-2009, 07:23 AM   #34
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Re: when will i stop missing my husband

Amen Sister, Amen!

 
Old 01-24-2009, 08:45 PM   #35
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Re: when will i stop missing my husband

hey psm, cant sleep tonight . went to bed early. hoping sleep would at least give me time to forget the pain. but I know that want happen. cried all day and keep seeing Walt laying in the bed and being a good patient and looking at me with his beautiful blue eyes. i know everything I should do. but i just cant take my own advice here. he was my life. he would always do for me. and I would say , Walt why do you put up with me. and he would laugh. and smile. i think spouses should leave this earth together. dont expect us to move on without them. but we have too. we either have to die and or move on. without our love. take care. disney world, faye

 
Old 01-25-2009, 04:33 AM   #36
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Re: when will i stop missing my husband

Faye, i feel your pain. I get up some mornings and don't know what I am suppose to do. Or I get up and don't want to do what I know I need to do. Friday morning I got up finally got ready for work but almost called in. I kept telling myself that if I took off I would sit home and cry all day. I finnally got myself out the door and to work. But next time I may not. It will be six weeks Monday that I lost my husband, he too had big blue eyes. I close my eyes sometimes and try to feel him embracing me I miss him so much. It still hurts as if it were yesterday. He was in the hospital almost 5 weeks when he passed away, but I would sit beside his bed and tell him everything going on. When there was a UK ballgame on I made sure the television was on it. He watched FOX news all day. I made sure it was on. I am glad he's not going through all he went through those last 5 weeks but I sure do miss him. Will it ever get better? I don't know how. But I have sigbed up for counseling at the Hospice Center. I hope that maybe I can work through some of this pain and come to realize he is better off where he is now. That someway I can learn to live with out him. At this point I don't know if its possible. I love him and miss him very much. Susan

 
Old 01-25-2009, 09:29 AM   #37
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Re: when will i stop missing my husband

Disney,
In a perfect world, spouses should leave together. But please, if your having any thoughts of trying to hurry yourself along, to try to catch up with your Beloved, please see a professional. My Girl made me promise, PROMISE that I would not do anything "stupid" after She passed away. I know why. Your Walt, my Mary Kate, well, they are with the Father in Heaven. If we want to ever be with them, in Paradise, eternally, we HAVE TO BE PATIENT! Any actions we may take to bring ourselves in line with them, will not have the results we want. I know that you, like me and many others, long to just lay our burden down, and get along to the "Next Level", but self destructive thoughts and actions will have just the opposite effect. As hard as It is to be here in this life alone, we can't lose sight of the fact that Life is a gift...if we should not appreciate that gift, well, it's kinda like slapping The Lord upside the head. Look, I've got a lot of anger...and when my time of judgment rolls around, boy, do I have a lot of questions for the Creator, and if it's allowed, I'll do my fair amount of complaining...BUT that will be THEN! I'm not really religious, or at least I wasn't until recently, but The Good Book says the Father tests those that He loves the most...He must Love all of us surviving spouses a whole lot, as this is the worst, most grueling test imaginable. There's no easy answer...but please, you sound like such a nice person, don't even entertain a sliver of a thought of hurrying things along. My Girl made me promise...Your Walt would be ever so upset... Yeah, it is horrible, the longing, the need for those we love, all of it...but it is what we have, and we need to play the cards we are dealt. Please love yourself enough to stay in the game. Love yourself the way Walt loves you...

 
Old 01-25-2009, 04:45 PM   #38
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Re: when will i stop missing my husband

Dear Disney & Showe0005,
I re-read both your recent posts, and the coincidence is pretty unusual. My Girl, too, had the most beautiful, big, uptilted blue eyes...when She got upset, or out of sorts, they would turn slate grey, like a stormy winter sky. I think I'm needing some professional help myself. This old house is just feeling way too big, way too lonesome, way too empty for me. I don't know why I stay here, other than that She loved it so much, and we (mostly She) worked so hard to make it a Home. I'm having doubts now as to whether or not it is still a Home, my Home, or just a house where really, nobody lives anymore. I'm existing, holding on, seeing if I can sort things out, but I can hardly call my present day to day existence "Living" or a least not Living with a capital "L''. Our Cat, who is great company, and has become more and more vital to my needs, is here, My wife's fish in his bowl is here, a lot of good memories are here, but the sickness, horror, depression, and just plain missing Life the way it was is here in abundance.

I've almost stopped counting, but I think last Thursday was 18, or maybe 19 weeks since My Girl passed away. It's hard to tell, at the low times like this, if I've truly made any progress through this nightmare of being a widower. Last week I made contact with a few folks who were not aware that She died, who had sent Christmas cards with good intent. I had to think through whether to tell them or not. Philosophically, if someone, or someones, who were good friends, still had the thought that Mary Kate was alive and well, perhaps I should have let them think that, and She would still be "alive" to them, thus that much more alive to the world. I did, finally, make the decision to call, email, and write letters to give the news of Her passing, and almost wish I hadn't.

This day is one of my bad ones...too much time on my hands, too little inspiration to start or finish anything constructive, or even marginally of value. The place is a mess, dishes in the sink, clean but unfolded laundry piled on the bed in the guest room, Cat hair everywhere, the vaccuum broke, the refrigerator broke, i'm not stable enough to start even looking for a job (I lost mine by taking too much time off to be caregiver), thus I too am not just broken, but broke as well. The only solace seems to come with sleep. No prescription drugs, just a few benadryl and and a few aspirin, and for a few hours, the pain goes away, or a least recedes. The 10-15 minutes between waking, and actually being awake are the best, as in that short period, I usually don't realize where I am, and what has happened...there is a few minutes before I remember that My Wife has died. It's a sweet dreamy time, and the best time of my day.
I feel so guilty, I don't even have the nerve to get my Love's ashes from the funeral home. All I can do is wait for time to blunt the edges of this heartache, and actually, pray that tonight, or some night soon, I'll have a stroke, or heart attack in my sleep, and when I open my eyes She'll be there.
I think we all try to do the best we can, but tonight, my best is none too good. I wish all of us saddened survivors better days, release from our heartaches, and healing for our broken hearts. As I quoted in one of my first posts, "A broken heart is an open heart" but honestly, this is just getting way to sad, lonely and tiresome. I've tried having company over (back when I had the impetus to actually clean the house) and it really was not a help. Old friends have pointed out that it's been nearly five months, I still look pretty good for my age, and perhaps i should consider taking a girl out to dinner, or a movie. Neither of these ideas seem helpful, as I don't just want company...I want HER company. I do not want to share a meal with just anyone...I want to share a meal with WIFE. I do not want to see a movie with or spend time with a girl, I want to spend time with MY GIRL.
It's the same story, over and over, and it does not seem, at times like now, to improve. I look at my old pistol, rifle and shotgun, and feel glad that I had the foresight to give all the ammo to my neighbors. I still have every intention of honoring my promise to not bring harm upon myself, but gee, I just miss Her so much.
I offer a toast to us all..."better days to come, the bad times are done", and with that in mind, thank you all for allowing me to vent, rant and rage, and off to a few hours sleep I go.
PSM

Last edited by PSM; 01-25-2009 at 04:53 PM.

 
Old 01-26-2009, 02:16 AM   #39
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Re: when will i stop missing my husband

PSM-
I think it may be time for you to seek help. I know I am at that point. I contacted the Hospice Center and will start that next week. I think that being around other people that is going through the death of a spouse will help me to sort out my feelings. I have returned to work and people there are great, but I find myself not being able to stay focused on my job. Friday I screwed up a shipment. My boss didn't say anyhting to me,I think she grows that I just can't focus. I am just going through the motions, trying to make things "back to normal" and they never will be. I have been to the doctor because I am having headaches (tension headaches) and she gave me something for them, but as far as sleeping, if I sleep 3 hours I am doing good.My husband worked at the same place I worked so I still kind of expect to see him walk through the door. It's the same way at home. I have not been able to move any of his personal items. His shoes are still sitting in the living room. His razor in the bathroom, toothbrush still in the toothbrush holder. His wallet is still in my purse, he give it me the day he went in the hospital. Will it help going to counseling I have no idea but I have to try something. It has been 6 weeks today that he left me here to go on without him. It wasn't his choice to leave, but his body just couldn't fight anymore. He give it his all.
I will always miss him and cherish the memories of our 7 years together.

 
Old 01-26-2009, 04:57 AM   #40
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Re: when will i stop missing my husband

When my husband died, company helped by getting me into and ahead on a long list for counseling through our partnership with a counsel center.

It didn't help. The dimwit lightbulb of a counselor would always start the session with the same question, "so, how are you?". I'd reply "crappy" and she'd come back with "oh, why do you think that is?".

What did help and I have to repeat it for all to see WHAT DID HELP
was a church-based grief group where people who lost a child, spouse, or parent came together. The things we all did when we spoke were reflective of what another was doing or had done. It was just refreshing to know that I wasn't losing my mind.

Over time, and with a lot of tears, God found me worthy to send me someone else. Yes, there are many times, especially when I truly have the heart-ache of losing Mikey. BUT I am not going to saint-him in death because he wasn't a saint in all aspects in life. I don't know how he'd truly be with all the drama going on with my mother but sometimes he wasn't there for me or wanted to stick his head in the sand and not get caught up in the family dynamics of problems that arose. He was in some respects, very self-centered.

So I have to say that I do miss him lots but there are times I'm glad he's not in pain, enjoying the doo wop music that was so much a part of his life and enjoying the company of those that passed before him or after.

It was a grief group not individual counseling that helped me best.

CaringSister54

 
Old 01-26-2009, 06:52 AM   #41
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Re: when will i stop missing my husband

That is what I have enrolled in is group therepy. Alos Our 14 year old will be grouped with teens her age that have lost a parent. I am not interested in meeting someone to take the place of my husband. There will never be another Tom. And besides I don't think I could ever get involved with someone else and risk going through this again.

 
Old 01-26-2009, 07:08 AM   #42
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Re: when will i stop missing my husband

Showe005

My mother-in-law has the same feelings and that is fine. She was 14 when she met my father-in-law and was with him through life until she was 57, he died on her birthday. He was 9 years older. BUT while that was and is fine with her, I found that I couldn't and didn't want to go through life alone for numerous reasons.

Everyone is different and believe me, if God could've healed the hole in my heart left by Mikey's leaving, I would've been fine with being alone. I had a fulfilling life before I met Mikey. Unfortunately, I wasn't aware of what love really was until that wonderful man walked into my life and loved me with all my strength and weaknesses. He opened my heart (that I thought was in good shape at the time) and made me aware of exactly what God's plan was for me.

When he died, I couldn't believe that no matter how much I loved him or did for him, he would still chose to leave me and the kids like that. BUT I also understand that he didn't want to suffer anymore and couldn't blame him. I at least got to tell him on the day he died, how much I love him as I had done for the 8,000+ days of our being together.

It is a gift to Mikey that I prayed to him to show me that I can be loved again. I did it for my kids. They knew and saw me suffering and started to build their own lives around my needs. I couldn't and wouldn't do that to them. They had to see that life was for those who are still living. Loving another is not being unfaithful to my husband because I truly feel that he and my BF's wife, meant for both of us to meet.

Not sure what the future holds. Even if this doesn't work out, as long as my kids are well on their way of their own lives, I'd be fine with being alone as I keep myself busy and active. BUT God's plan and Mikey's guidance, sent this quiet, sensitive man, to me and there's got to be a reason I'm sure I'll know about sometime.

You are new to the loss. I didn't want or need anyone in my life until I was coming up to almost 2 years after he passed. Only my God knows why those feelings of need came up. But there isn't someone replacing my husband, there's just someone who was in need of someone like me and God put us together.

Take Care
CaringSister54

 
Old 01-26-2009, 07:19 AM   #43
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Re: when will i stop missing my husband

hey showee, i fully understand about meeting someone else and have to deal with things. but I also know I dont want to be alone . IM a young 59 will be 60 in Feb. I had a great man for 40 years come Valintines Day. we had a unite relationship. I know in my heart, Walt would want me to get on with life and not grive and mourn for him. but of course its not easy. Feb 8 will be 3 months since I lost my love that has always taken care of me. losing my house of 30 years with forclosure and alot of my antiques, gun collections, and on and on. bills everywhere. but my Walt didnt cause any of this. it was cancer that took him away from me. every day I keep telling myself dealth will not take my love and memories of the best thing that happen to me. he will always be my first love. with time I hope I can meet someone . never will be Walt though. take care and know we all have to fight this and move on with life. hey , I can give advice . just hard to take. love disney world, faye

 
Old 01-26-2009, 08:35 AM   #44
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Re: when will i stop missing my husband

I am 46 years old, First marriage lasted 21 years, and ended in divorce. Second marriage 7 years ended in death. I don't think I can handle my life being turned upside down anymore. Right now I live 400 miles from any of my family and it gets lonesome. But as I have stated before I really don't want to move back there. My husband left me well taken care of just like he did when he was living so that is one problem I am not having to deal with. I know that people deal with things in their own way. And one day I may feel different. But a whole lot of healing has to take place first. As far as I can tell It hasn't even started. I hurt just as much I as did 6 weeks ago when I told m husband that I knew he was tired and it was ok for him to do what he needed to do. He was and is still my HERO!!

 
Old 01-26-2009, 03:18 PM   #45
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Re: when will i stop missing my husband

Ladies,
As the lone Widower in this little discussion, It is interesting to note that whether male or female...we all grieve alike. One of you spoke of your husband as being your hero...I know what that is like. My Girl was my hero too, my Idol.
I do need to and will get into some type of support group, either hospice or church based. My biggest issue is the self-loathing I feel. I'm "shoulding" all over myself. I should have put my foot down with Her oncologist, I should have acted sooner to get Her out of the hospital and into our home, with hospice. I should have been the one
to die, not Her. The really hard part is that I was diagnosed with throat cancer first, She had been feeling stomach discomfort while I was getting my treatment, and ignored it to care for me through the radiation and chemo. As it turned out, by the time She finally went to get an X ray, in September, 2007, Her ovarian cancer was out of control, a little 5ft 3inch 110 lb lady had a ten pound tumor in her belly, and there was nothing the doctors could do. She put her own issues on hold, to help me with mine. Now She is dead, and I'm not, I'm not even sick, the doctors claim I'm cured. HOW DO I LIVE WITH THIS? With the knowledge that if I/we had cared just a bit more about Her, and a bit less about me, She'd have been diagnosed earlier, maybe we'd have had more time together, and maybe, just maybe, She wouldn't have died. I hate myself now. I know it's irrational, but...I look in the mirror in the morning, and curse the day I was born...
Do you think a group can help with this type of intricate self-loathing. I feel like somehow, I killed Her, It's my fault She's dead. I spend days apologizing to Her, talking to Her, and just wishing somehow I could turn back the clock, and make it different

 
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