The Ups & Downs of My ADD Teen & How others Cope? - ADD / ADHD Message Board

Bren30 · 12-01-2003, 09:21 PM

Its so hard to belive this is the same child...I dont want to use the term mood swing...this happens even if he is not on any type of medication.

He is the most lovable , affectionate ..will hug and kiss you..( even @ 14 )
I really love that about him...But in the same breath.. I want to ask him...
Why cant you see what these school problems are doing to me and our family.Just go to school do your work..get a D or even better a C..Just pass.....Please!!

We have had heart to heart talks .. no yelling.. no fussing..He will start to cry.. and just tells me .."I just dont know why, I dont want to do the work "
I know this is a demon I will have to train him to fight the rest of his life.

He is such a good person....and a big heart...a brilliant mind.
I just want him to go somewhere in life.

Do any of you out there ever fear pushing to hard??

I have a great fear...of pushing him over the edge.. and the dissapointment is to much for him to cope with.. Teen suicide is a thought I think about alot.(.I am a Florist I see death every day)

I worry...alot.. If you push to hard you never know what they are thinking about..has any one else had this type of thoughts..and been worried they may do something like that??

Thanks.. everyone for all your input...it helps alot.

Bren

rainonwindow · 12-01-2003, 10:34 PM

Perhaps it is easier for your son to say he doesn't want to do the work than to say that it is too much for him.

You xould literally see my daugher's eyes glaze and change when she tried to concentrate. She would become so mentally exhausted when she tried to focus that it looked like her brain was ready to come dribbling out of her ears. For my daughter, concentration was literally painful. I would also often sit with my daughter when she did her homework and sometimes we take turns answering her homework questions - she would do one, I would do one etc.

What I want to say is - please don't assume that your son is not already doing the best he can. If he didn't care - he wouldn't cry. I don't think pressure is the answer for a child that is genuinely trying and I don't think that based on what you wrote, that you can assume your son isn't. If a child is doing the best he or she can, then applying pressure is useless at best and potentially destructive at the worst.

Having good self-esteem is vital to succeeding and being happy in life.

free~spirit · 12-01-2003, 11:23 PM

He obviously feels horrible about not doing well in school. It's probably not as much the grades but more that he gets the feeling that YOU want more from him, and he can't give you more and feels bad for this. Please don't pressure him. If you can, enroll him in a program like sylvan learning center. They might be able to help him a bit. Let him know that you appreciate how hard he tries and that he is a wonderful person. Try to help him find a hobby that he is good at. Could be art, or a sport, maybe cooking, fishing, anything that he enjoys and is good at. (It should not be competitive) This will help your son build self esteem.

Does he get any extra help at school? Through either a 504 or an IEP??

If not then please look into this.

I would like to tell you that you have no reason to worry but your son is obviously hurting. It sounds as if he is very sensitive and this can cause problems for ADDers (as they are always hearing negative things from others "why dont you just try harder" "you have so much potential" "youre so smart but you just dont act it, whats wrong with you!?!?" Lots of boys with ADD are extra sensitive. It's even harder for boys to deal with because they are expected to be tough... this is one reason why lots of ADD boys become bullies, rather than crying like they feel like doing they just punch the other kid instead.

Is your son in therapy? If not, maybe he should start, it may help.

Bren30 · 12-02-2003, 08:06 PM

I understand what you both are saying..I really do.

He has a councilor at school.. and has seen one last year..One time only.
I'm looking into seeing him again....Our insurance I hope will pay for this.
And The Sylvan Learning Center.. Well Its so much $$..But she called me again today...I hope I can find a way to pay it..About 600.00 to $ 1000.00 to start off. And monthly $250.00.

Its so hard not understanding whats going on in his head.
This evening...we have a problem of books..He has lost his.. and now has taken my AT HOME SET...to school and has misplaced it also.Really just one.. the One we need tonight.. to do homework.

The English teacher does a book check every now and then..For xtra points..

How about that..points for keeping up with your book.

The last conference.. This Teacher tells me My Child brought a AT HOME book for book check.. and the Teacher clearly knew this because I have AT HOME USE on the front cover of it with a white sheet of paper and a blue sharpie ..

Now , he didnt even take it off ..I was up there the next day for a locker cleaning.I do this every week or so.I find book reports, worksheets you name it..

They will even give him points on it late.. If its finished..
His teachers are so good to him..I also hate for them to be dissapointed like me.

They have witnessed me wig out a few times a week.. I have left many meetings in tears...Its overwhelming sometimes..I just dont understand ..
But I have to keep trying... to understand and to be there for him.

I no longer say "I cant belive he did this..." cause I know he did..
Its just another chapter to this nightmare novel.

Bren

rainonwindow · 12-02-2003, 09:19 PM

If it helps any - what you have written is completely familiar. I wish I had more answers for you but I think perhaps what you really need to know is that what you are experiencing is not so far afield that no one else can relate.

The best advice I can give you is to maintain a solid, supportive relationship with your son. He needs someone who has faith that he will find his way in life - even if noone can see clearly what that will be.

Right now he is only 14. There is a possibility that many of his difficulties will still persist when he is 18 and has the legal right to make his own decisions. A good, supportive relationship with him will allow you to have influence in his decision-making if something should cause you alarm.

I would also recommend that to the best of your ability - that you not allow him to see you greatly upset over his difficulties. Being visibly upset around him will make it more difficult for him seek help from you. It probably also increases that guilt that he probably already feels from not being able to live up to his own expectations.

My daughter is in college and age has not decreased her symptoms in the slightest. She will have them her entire life. That is the way it is in my family. Just this morning we went to a doctor to get advice regarding medication.

It is important that your frustration is balanced by a strong sense of compassion. I know that can be hard to develop if one just doesn't understand how a set of symptoms like this can actually exist.

I have a scenario. A mother has spent several days supporting her 14 year old's attempt to finish a report or project. Finally the project is done. Mom understands that being done doesn't count for much because there is a high likelyhood that the report will never find its way to the school. Even if the report survives its way to the school, there is a good chance that it will disappear somewhere in its journey from the backpack to the classroom. Even if the report arrives in the classroom, the mission is not accomplished. Let's move forward a bit in time. The 14 year old is home. Mom finds out that the grade for the report is a zero. Questioning her child, mom finds that yes the report even made it to the child's desk but...... MOM "Why didn't you hand it in?" ANSWER "I didn't hear the teacher ask for it." MOM "But you knew it was due that day so doesn't it make sense that you would need to hand it in?" ANSWER "Yes" MOM "So why didn't you hand it in?" ANSWER "I forgot". MOM "So when you finally realized later that you should have turned it in - why didn't you do it then?" ANSWER "Because I forgot again" .........And the amazing thing is - the 14 year old is telling the truth. This is a 14 year old who does NOT have an oppositional disorder and who is just as distressed by this situation as mom.

I know it is not easy. When ADD or ADHD is severe it affects the quality of every aspect of the child's life - in school and at home - with family and friends. That is why it is so important that such a child has someone who will have faith in them - faith that as an adult, they will successfully find a place in life that suits them.

Good heavens - I certainly went on and on with this topic. When I started writing, I only meant to put down a few sentences.

I wish you and your son the best.