Emotional Immaturity - ADD / ADHD Message Board

TerryB · 02-25-2004, 09:37 AM

We have an Emotional immaturity issue. My 7 year old daughter is very intelligent so she has been chosen to go to the library to do research. She is not enjoying it at all because she has to wait for help from the busy Librarian. She ends up crying or choking back tears. The other kids are dealing with waiting just fine. The Librarian is concerned and asked me to talk to my daughter about it. She says that my daughter definitely belongs in the program and her research is the best of the group. She also cries when she can't understand something or makes a mistake (very low frustration threshold). The Librarian says that this is suppose to be fun and a way of meeting the needs of more "advanced" kids. But how can an intelligent child get anything out of such a program when she has the emotions of a 4 year old? I'm wondering if she might be better off out of the program. Any suggestions or accommodations ideas? She has not been identified at school as having ADHD because it has not affected her grades and has only affected her minimally socially. Terry

prometheus · 02-25-2004, 10:06 AM

Maybe she is a fatalist. Personally, I don't believe in ADD, but it doesn't sound like she has what is described as ADD anyway. It just sounds like her personality, or temperment at work. Fatalists don't often like needing help or feeling helpless. They are perfectionists (probably why she's a good student) and they get frustrated, and scared like the world's going to end if they need help. They get real upset if they don't know something because they have a false idea of expectations placed upon them and they are real afraid of making mistakes. If they think they need help they think they REALLY NEED HELP, like IMMEDIATELY and the situation is fatal otherwise. (easily overwhelmed. If they don't know one thing, or they are confused over something, they feel like the whole operation is doomed and failing. They will usually get so upset and feel like they "Can't" do it, over some tiny thing). Needing help is always dire...so they get anxious and frustrated and cry. It's not immaturity it is just temperment. There are plenty adult fatalists they just don't throw public tantrums.

Maybe she just needs to understand that making mistakes is ok. Maybe she just needs to understand the expectations aren't dire so she can relax and have fun with it.

index.html · 02-25-2004, 11:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TerryB

But how can an intelligent child get anything out of such a program when she has the emotions of a 4 year old? I'm wondering if she might be better off out of the program.

I think you are right, Terry. Just because she qualifies for a program based on her intelligence, it doesn't mean that program is necessarily the best for her. If she's unhappy and wants to drop out of it, surely the school can come up with a different way to challenge her.

Schools do their best but sometimes our kids need us to interpret the "big picture" for the school. A good example is my next-door neighbor. When her son was in first grade, the school wanted him to skip second grade and go straight to third. My neighbor said, "No way. He's already immature for his age and his social skills need work. Why would I put him in a situation that will only make his life more out-of-balance?" Now, 7 years later, I don't think she regrets her decision at all.

Hope2Heal · 02-26-2004, 02:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TerryB

We have an Emotional immaturity issue. My 7 year old daughter is very intelligent so she has been chosen to go to the library to do research. She is not enjoying it at all because she has to wait for help from the busy Librarian. She ends up crying or choking back tears. The other kids are dealing with waiting just fine. The Librarian is concerned and asked me to talk to my daughter about it. She says that my daughter definitely belongs in the program and her research is the best of the group. She also cries when she can't understand something or makes a mistake (very low frustration threshold). The Librarian says that this is suppose to be fun and a way of meeting the needs of more "advanced" kids. But how can an intelligent child get anything out of such a program when she has the emotions of a 4 year old? I'm wondering if she might be better off out of the program. Any suggestions or accommodations ideas? She has not been identified at school as having ADHD because it has not affected her grades and has only affected her minimally socially. Terry

I do agree with the last poster that it could be part of her "perfectionist" personality. My suggestion is this: on a weekend or day off, spend time in the library with her and show her how to use it. Practice ahead of time how to look things up, or whatever skills she will need to use on her own. Find out from the librarian what help your daughter has to wait for. Give your daughter the skills so when she is faced with the situation again, she can help herself and maybe even help another classmate. It can help boost her confidence and keep anxiety down. Also, you can brainstorm ideas together about what can you do while you are waiting for help. think of things she can do such as read, organize her paper by writing ideas down, etc.
don't pull her from the program unless necessary. She needs to learn to deal with the frustration as it will always come up in some way in life. when children are very young they tend to get a lot of individual attention. Now that she is getting older, she may be adjusting to not having all her needs met immedietely. it is a skill in maturity and instead of teaching her to escape her fears, help her to face them in practical ways.
good luck!

index.html · 02-26-2004, 03:31 PM

Very good suggestions, Hope2Heal! I wish I'd thought of them.

Terry, I really like Hope2Heals's suggestions of trying to seeing where exactly your child is having problems with the library and then trying to help her with solutions.

*If* that doesn't work, then I'd put some serious thought into dropping out. I think my recommendation was premature.