Relationship crisis!!! - ADD / ADHD Message Board

Norway · 02-17-2005, 08:50 AM

I seriously need some advice/ support or whatever.

I am a 30 y.o. female. I have a son and we are living with my boyfriend, and have been for the last 6-7 months. I was diagnosed with ADD when I was 9 y.o. I never got any help on how to deal with this. I've just started seeing a psychologist. i had my first "session" last monday and it was AWFUL! But that's another story.

Back to the main issue. My BF is a person who NEEDS to have a clean house (My friends says he is overdoing it). I am ADD. Every day, several times a day he says things that is very hurtful to me, like if I have forgotten to clean the stove after a meal, forgotten to pick up the laundry, etc. etc. etc. I get very depressed, and I cry alot, even though I'm on anti depressives. He doesn't comfort me anymore because he says "I can't comfort you cause you're crying all the time!" Then I get even more depressed, and cry even more. Now I have been crying for three days...

I've tried to explain to him that it's not my fault, it's my ADD who plays tricks on me. It makes me forget every little thing, and I can't "See" the mess. That I don't have a will of my own, but my ADD is in controll of me most of the time.

I want to try and explain to him how I feel and how it is like to be me, but it doesn't seem to get through to him. I don't think he believes me. He thinks I'm just lazy, and that I don't bother. HE DOESN'T BELIEVE ME!

Can someone please write something on how it is like to have ADD, so I can print it out for him to read? I want him to know that it's not only me who has this problem. And I want to show him that I'm not lazy, or that I don't bother!

If you are ADD or in a relationship with someone thats ADD, I beg you, please write something about how your day is. Whats' your struggles/ challenges.

Please, please, please, I beg you!

Edited to say I'm thinking of leaving him, but I love him so much and I have never felt so in love with someone my whole life, but I can't live with someone who can't love, respect and accept me for who I am. I need to get him to understand!

Thank you so much!

Big hugs!!!

sawbuck44 · 02-18-2005, 07:56 PM

Do you take meds for the ADD? That would really help you focus and get your work done. You don't have to prove your ADD to your boyfriend. If he has listened to anything over the years, he should understand what it is - it's all over the news and internet. Communication is the most difficult thing to handle. My son is 13 and he and my husband have a love/hate relationship. There is never a night where they don't 'butt heads.' Each time it gets minimally better but it is a long road. ADD, while also giving you a disorganized mind, also gives you stubborness, anxiety, and a few other things. If your bf just reads this thread, he will appreciate what you do try to get done. Realizing you are ADD and knowing the symptoms can help you if you take a step back and write down what you need to do for the day. Check off things as you go. I may myself be ADD, in fact, I'd bank on it. The other day I said to my son, 'I think you should have gone back to the counselor by now. I wonder if we missed your appointment.' Turns out we did - because I didn't write it down anywhere (the whiteboard on the refrigerator or on my calendar at work) and I didn't have the appointment card in a place where I could find it easily.

vintagegas · 02-19-2005, 10:01 AM

Norway, you need to go back and read what you wrote here:

My BF is a person who NEEDS to have a clean house (My friends says he is overdoing it). I am ADD. Every day, several times a day he says things that is very hurtful to me, like if I have forgotten to clean the stove after a meal, forgotten to pick up the laundry, etc. etc. etc. I get very depressed, and I cry alot, even though I'm on anti depressives. He doesn't comfort me anymore because he says "I can't comfort you cause you're crying all the time!" Then I get even more depressed, and cry even more. Now I have been crying for three days...

Is this the kind of guy who you really want to spend your life with? A guy who says hurtful things to you? A guy who is so demanding? A guy who doesn't believe you? A guy who isn't taking your illness into consideration, and in fact thinks you are lying about having ADD?

This guy sounds abusive to me. I should know, I was abusive too! If my wife were to write in about the way I treated her, I'd tell her to leave her husband. He's not supportive, he treats you terribly.

You might consider this. Those of us with ADHD, have had a life of dissapointment. So much so, that we (or at least I and many I've read about) have become very Needy! We sometimes hang on to relationships that are actually bad for us, just because we don't want to be alone.

Why are you willing to "settle" for a guy who treats you like this? Find someone who loves you knowing how you are! But, get the right meds, and find a good counsler, and support group/system. You life will change for the better.

Jennita · 02-19-2005, 02:26 PM

.."but I can't live with someone who can't love, respect and accept me for who I am. I need to get him to understand!".....

This says it all; you know what you need to be happy and it's not someone like him, at least according to what you said.

You will never get him to understand. You are depressed and on medication, yet he doesn't understand that so why would ADD be any different for him?

So now you must weigh what is worth it to you, is loving him worth the sacrifice of that respect and acceptance you want? I'm not saying it isn't, it may be well worth it. Some people sacrifice alot to be with those they love. Nothing wrong with that. But if you can't accept the sacrifice, then there is something wrong with that because you won't be happy in the end.

So don't ask people to try and convince him, like I said, if he was sensitive to your depression and need for antidepressants, maybe he'd also be sensitive to your ADD, but clearly he's not, so nobody here will be able to convince him.

It's your choice, to sacrifice what you need for him, or to simply not accept the way he acts towards you and go find somebody who will give you a greater love and understanding for the person you are. Good luck to you!

seriousperson · 02-20-2005, 02:49 AM

my 2¢ -- I agree with what everyone else has said.
Plus -- I didn't get diagnosed until age 51!
Now it's too late to try to get hired somewhere else. My boss really can't handle my personality (although the people whom I'm serving in my job pretty much all think I'm each one's personal angel LOL ).

So, my point (I'm sure you understand about it taking so long to get to it) is that you will be happier, more productive, less frustrated, etc. if you can find both a relationship and employment with people who appreciate creative thinking.

It sounds like this guy is not for you.

And your desperation for him sounds a teeny weeny bit OCD. I also have OCD and I guess the 2 sometimes do go together.

By the way, I used to think I too was "lazy" because I couldn't get housework done, but then a neighbor said to me, "You are definitely *not* lazy."

And having someone hovering over you (like your bf) only disrupts your own way of doing things.

You have a lot to offer the world; why waste it on someone who's more interested in having a free maid?