jayden_sky

I need help. Maybe someone out there has some advice for me. I’ll try to sum it all up as quick as I can. I’ve never actually been settled in my life. I have never kept a job for more than two years (or a relationship for that matter). I want to move all the time and change things. I move my furniture around all the time. I’m constantly doing things. I never seem to be happy where I’m at. I never did well in school and I hung out with the wrong crowd. I am 33 now and I have been an alcoholic since I was 15. It has now been four months since I’ve been sober. I feel really good about that. I don’t even crave a drink or anything. About three months ago I went to a psychiatrist (a request by my parents) and told him I thought I might be depressed. I was pretty sure I was. We talked all about my life and after about an hour he diagnosed me with ADD. I took a test and then went back a few days later for the results. He said since the test showed strong signs of ADD that I should think about Ritalin. I was actually quite happy because it was like I had a reason I had been the way I was all my life. Now I could fix it. My parents even agreed that they thought I might have had something like this. I started the Ritalin and right away I felt amazing. Like I could actually concentrate and focus. I trusted my own judgment and I had motivation and energy to get things done. I had amazing quality time with my daughter too. I even got rid of the TV so we wouldn’t be able to watch it. My place was cleaner than ever and I felt completely grounded. Like I could live here in this house always and really appreciate how lucky I am. Then something happened. I drank a coffee one morning shortly after taking a pill and I noticed a feeling of Euphoria sort of. Then I did it again. Then I added caffeine diet pills, coffee, ritalin and even pepsi or coke because of the sugar and caffeine. I was getting myself high. It’s been about two months now that I’ve been doing this and things have been awful. I am addicted to Ritalin and caffeine. I am depressed, sad, frustrated and feeling lost. I get irritated and short tempered. I want to isolate myself and sleep all day. It takes everything in me to control my feelings in front of my daughter. I am screaming and crying inside and I have to be so calm and soothing with her. I can’t wait till it’s her bed time so I can be alone. I thought I was finally “fixed”. Now I feel like there is no hope of feeling that great feeling I felt when I was on the Ritalin alone (first three weeks). I’ve tried going back to taking the prescribed amount of pills with no caffeine but then I get upset about something and I end up taking more. Right now I just wish the ground would open up and suck me in. Then there is this situation with my work. I have been working with a guy (painting houses) for a year now. We have also been in and out of a relationship for the entire year. He has three boys ages 4, 6 and 8. So with my daughter who is 4, it makes it a bit overwhelming. Two of his kids have autism as well. Being with this guy makes me stressed out a lot because his wife whom he is separated from is crazy (my opinion of course) and she seems to have the power (which I guess I give to her) to make my emotions flare up. I hate it! So here’s the situation. He loves me completely and wants nothing more than for us to be in a relationship. I don’t want to be more than friends and I don’t think I even want to be friends. I hate the feeling of anxiety that this relationship brings to my life. Problem is... I’ll have to quit my job if I want to end our relationship for good. So I would have to find a new job and I would never find one that pays as well as him (guess he doesn’t want me to leave). Not to mention that is as flexible and laid back as this job. I hate the spot I’m in. I feel as though the amount of money he is paying me shouldn’t mean anything because it’s almost like he’s just paying me to be his friend. I am just afraid to quite and find another job. Plus he doesn’t let me just quit. He thinks I’m just going through one of my crazy moods and that I’ll be over it soon. Which is what I do. He doesn’t know what to believe anymore. We’ve been on a crazy roller coaster ride and I just want off. I’m too scared to make the jump though. I wish he would just end it so I don’t have to, and let me get on with my life. He won’t though. No matter what I do, he won’t end it. I didn’t even go to work today because I’m so depressed about everything. I took my daughter to daycare as if I was working this morning though. Just so I could sleep all day.
I don’t know exactly what I am trying to get across in this post but I am looking for some kind of help. My only friend is the guy I work with. So I don’t really have anyone to talk to. If someone can figure out what I’m trying to say here then please help me. I feel like I’m at the end of my rope.
Thank so much for taking the time to read all this.
Sincerely
Jayden