I just wanted to make a quick post since I can’t seem to work. Lately it’s like I’ve never even been taking medication. I have a million deadlines but I cannot work, I’m back to my old games again. I sit down and start to work, then two minutes later I feel the need to check my email, message boards, the news – all of it. Then I try to do some research for a story and I’ll get all caught up in something else and I’m off in dreamland. So then I feel that I deserve a break and I’ve got to go walk around, get a drink, whatever. Then I come back and I can’t work until I’ve tidied my workspace and everything is in its place. Then the whole cycle starts again and I get NOTHING done and I feel so confused and incompetant!!!
I do not want to up my dosage of medication because if 30mg of ritalin a day is not working, I don’t want to just keep taking more and more and winding up in that kind of a mess, who knows where that could end. Am I just having a bad few days or should I quit my job? Am I just in the wrong career and that’s my problem?
I am so frustrated.
By the by, I don’t know if there’s anyone on this board that’s in London. If so, my condolences for what happened this morning. Same thing if you have family or loved ones there – it is a horrific thing, it really is.
30mg of Ritalin/day is a very low dose for an adult. Too low a dose can be so frustrating that it leads to the very thing you and I fear. Abuse!
So far, going on 5 months now, I am not becoming tolerant to the anti-add properties of Ritalin. I too was worried about never ending escalation. But once we hit the right dose, 60 mg for me, it is sticking.
One other very important point. Make sure your Ritalin is brand name not generic. Ritalin and generic methylphenidate are not the same. Please don't ask me to explain it because I can't. But from personal experience and reports I read on the web, Ciba Ritalin is superior in efficacy and lower incidences of side effects.
Be sure to work with your medication by writing a task list and then sticking to it. Some have said the evening before is best for them. I like to do mine first thing in the AM just when the Ritalin is kicking in. First on my list is the thing I fear or loathe doing the most and then on to more enjoyable tasks. Use visits to this board and other fun stuff as rewards for completing a task or as a break every hour or two.
There are days I feel like I am going backwards. It is usually because I get behind in my work. Then the same ol symptoms come back. Multiple tasks try to occuppy my conscious mind simultaneously. I can't seem to prioritize one above the other. I get into a mental gridlock condition / paralyasis that leaves me feeling overwhelmed and quite hopeless. The only thing I've discovered that works is to take the rest of the day off and do something that is fun like go bike riding with my wife. If not bike riding, get as far away from a computer as possible. The next morning, my mental traffic will start flowing again.
The ADHD beast is a formidable foe. We need each other for support. I hope I've been of some help.
Thank you very much for your message, you have some really good suggestions there, especially about making a list and doing the hard parts first. You are so right, if only I could stick with that system every day. Sometimes I do that and it does help (if I can actually get the list out). When I can cross things off, I feel good and I can keep going. Right now I feel so overwhelmed and scattered and like I am wasting time and I can’t pull it together and the ritalin is just not working – I mean not doing a single thing. I am so ****ed off! It’s like this domino effect. I feel all panicky and scattered so my work doesn’t get done so I get in a fight with my husband because he is so stable and predictable and that just irritates me to no end! And now I feel worse and I’ve got meetings that are throwing my whole day off kilter. Oh man. I’m sure you know how it goes. I’ll stop complaining.
It is interesting that you say the generic methalphendiate (or whatever it’s called) has a different effect from the brand name – I wonder why that would happen?
I think I might do an experiment there because I usually just get the generic brand, but last month the pharmacist was having a rough day so I waited for about 40 minutes (which was fine with me, I was in no hurry) but she said that because I was waiting so patiently (imagine that!) she was going to give me half of my prescription in the brand name and half of the generic (that I usually get). She said "if your insurance company asks, you got all generic" – and that’s what I paid for, just the cheaper co-pay. Anyway, it was an odd scene – I think she was just out of the generic, who knows. So I have just been taking the generic ones, but I’ll take the brand name for a couple days next week to see if that makes any difference.
The main reason that I don’t want to up my dose is because I’d like to start a family soon, so my goal is to stop taking it altogether (just leading up to and during pregnancy) which already scares me so much! I guess I’m scared of having withdrawls or something – I don’t know – just crashing and burning. I’ve been pregnant before (I had a miscarriage) and the first twelve weeks are hard enough with sickness, exhaustion and worry.
Ugh – rambling again. I’m going to go make a list. Thank you very much for your support Bob. I hope your Friday goes better than mine.
Some of this behavior sounds like good ol' procrastination, which is usually based in the fear that you are secretly incompetent but put on a decent show & that's how you get by. You may want to look up some resources on this, a lot of your first post sounds like typical procrastination thinking (I know as I'm guilty of it too & have done a lot of research on it).
From your post I can see that you're intelligent & expressive. You are very capable! Best of luck.
Thanks amaranthine, I think that is certainly part of it. I’ve always prided myself on not being a procrastanator, but I think that the sole reason for that is that I have always known that I cannot trust my brain to work right at the last minute so I try to start early to account for the throes of ADD frustration. But yes, I think part of my "stalling" is due to a fear of not being able to do it right at all, it is a paralyzing fear of those moments of "uh oh. I can’t do this and I can’t fake it – help" – that is so frustrating. My doctor also suggests that I have a "creative temperament", and that no amount of ADHD therapy will really ease that volatility. How very encouraging huh.
Also wanted to say to addprogrammer – I think you’re right about the generic/brand name thing! I took my afternoon dose of the brand name ritalin – and it worked! I looked up and realized I had gotten out 800 words and was relatively focused. Weird. I thought that the generic was always supposed to be completely equivalent to the brand name? Or maybe it was just the power of suggestion? That’s kind of disturbing in a lot of ways – one being that I don’t think my insurance would cover the brand name, or if they did what the price would be. Then again, compared to the price of losing my job…
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