ADHD parent of child - HELP - ADD / ADHD Message Board

pinkycindy · 05-30-2006, 08:06 PM

I just found out my child has ADHD nonattentive and am very frustrated with lots of things. How do I keep my anger down and my frustration level down? What do I do when I find homework not done until the last minute and then she takes three hours to finish a three page document?

rheanna · 05-30-2006, 11:11 PM

pinkycindy,

As someone with nonattentive ADD myself, I can imagine your frustration at having to live with and be the parent of someone like your daughter. But may I ask you some questions to help you sort out what you're going through?

What are you expecting/hoping to accomplish with your anger?

--To make her feel bad for her behavior so she'll want to change? She already feels bad. She's been told her entire life that she doesn't measure up to other people's expectations.

--To make her afraid of your displeasure so that she behaves better in the future so that you will be nice to her? She CAN'T change based on either your anger or positive feelings. Her brain isn't wired like other people's. Your anger will only add fear to the shame and inadequacy she already feels.

--To make yourself feel better so that you feel that you are doing your duty as a parent? I recognize that you feel frustration at your daughter's behavior. It doesn't make sense to you that an otherwise intelligent person can "take three hours to finish a three page document" or who puts off homework until the last minute. This isn't what you would do, and you get angry in an attempt to do SOMETHING to make a change in your daughter.

But your brain is wired differently from hers. She needs training in how to work within her own brain structure, and perhaps even some meds to help her focus. It would be helpful for both of you to see a person who specializes in ADD to learn some techniques for attending to tasks that keep slipping from your daughter's mind. She isn't doing this to make you angry. She needs some help with "outside" structure (which you as well as her teachers can provide) while she learns how to organize her life with a brain that can't organize things. This will take years.

Perhaps some other parents of ADD kids will chime in here and give you some practical tips. As I never became a parent, I cannot give you these practical tips. But I can tell you that anger isn't going to help either you or your daughter.

Best of luck. I'm sure that my parents and my teachers, and even a few of my bosses, were frustrated at what looked like my being lazy or forgetful or deliberately NOT doing something, and they all assumed that I could do better if I tried. It ain't easy having ADD. It also ain't easy being the parent (or teacher or boss) of someone with ADD.

--Rheanna

pinkycindy · 05-31-2006, 12:28 PM

Rheanna,

Thanks for your wisdom. This is hard because I know it is not her fault. I knew and know she has neurological problems which thank g-d are diagnosed now. I just don't know what to do with her routine now, how to organize her now at home... I am just at a loss. Sometimes I feel weepy and I know I need to see someone. My husband has new insurance as of tomorrow so I will be calling someone. I hope that once she gets on her mediation, changes will start sooner rather than later. Her sociability needs help and I feel sad that I can't help her. I think her age (10) may be too old to help her call people, I am not sure.

I hope parents of ADHD will look at my message because I really need help.

coffeegirl2 · 06-01-2006, 08:37 AM

pinkycindy

Have you ever read the 'parenting logic books 1-2-3' or 1-2-3 Magic books, can't remember the name very well? My tdoc recommended the book to us when are son was dx'd with ADHD/FAE/RAD. It helped a lot with how we reacted towards his problems as parents.

He was adopted from Russia in 2001, and is six. He mostly has problems with impulse control more than anything and is not able to comprehend his limits and boundaries with people or able to figure out that it is inappropriate to touch others and how far he can push another person.

We use praise, goal setting, and rewards for ways to help him with his ADHD. It has been the only way for him that works. Sticker charts also work too, but not as well. He has to have a visual to see what he is working towards and then know he can obtain it- and then do it. i.e.- a movie at the end of the week, go out for supper with dad (only), go golfing, swimming, play at a park, etc. All rewards.

He enjoys reading. Reading is a huge reward. If he reads x amount of books, ice cream is the main goal to work for at his favorite ice cream joint.

Those are things we work for with him. Small leaps and bounds. It has been very difficult, and not an easy task. He has came a long way. Small baby steps. With reading, I only do one page at a time, and then increase, to two, three, and four.... per book type.

You are doing a good job. Give yourself credit. It is difficult being a mom regardless of a childs needs. I have Bipolar Disorder, so it is difficult for me to sometimes be a mommy to my sons. Life is a challenge. It is just what we make of it and how we handle the cards we are dealt with.

Hugs

Coffeegirl

pinkycindy · 06-05-2006, 03:20 PM

Coffeegirl,

Thank you. Heck, I have a temper issue. Thankyou for the reference on the book. I will look into it. My daughter does not really like to read. I think it is because she knows she does not do well. I just found out she is at 4th grade reading level when she is graduating 5th grade this year. I knew this but she did not want to stay back last year and the child has to be 100% okay to do this because of the peer issues that will come out of this different change.

My daughter has ADHD nonattentive disorder so my patients is straining with her. Sometimes I feel like I need to take long walks because I need to get this frustration out. It would probably do some good. I have to make time for this. More time in a hectic schedule already. I know I am complaining but sometimes it just feels good to get it out.

pinkycindy