Please Help: Husband w/ ADD - ADD / ADHD Message Board

haileysheets · 05-31-2006, 10:51 PM

My husband has been diagnosed ADD. He will not take any medications for it because they have all given him terrible side-effects which I won't go into here.

Here is my problem:

Whenever I try to sit down with him to talk in-depth about an issue in our relationship, how my day was, or ANY topic that will take more than 1 minute to discuss, he completely loses focus and does not listen to any thing I say. He starts to fidget, will switch channels on the TV, play with the cats, etc. He tells me he is hearing me, but I feel like I don't ever have his full attention because he cannot focus long enough on me to have a real conversation.

Has any one else dealt with this and what can I do about it???

Jennita · 06-01-2006, 04:38 PM

He sounds like my husband, only my husband will simply tell me he is not interested. I'm thinking its more that some people would rather be doing something they are interested in and ignore what is being forced on them.

But since my hubby is rather direct person, at least I know what the problem is in my case. Maybe your hubby just doesn't have the heart to say honey, I want to watch TV because you are boring me with subject matter that I am not interested in.

I guess if a person isn't interested in something you are, there is no use in pushing it....I've developed the why bother/don't care attitude as a result after many years of this.

Because you see, you have equal right to ignore him if he engages you in something you have no interest in either, it works both ways! So now I find myself ignoring my hubby when he goes on and on about things that he likes to talk about...boy he don't like it when I turn him off, but I explain that I'm not interested and that he does the same thing to me when he's not interested...so what can he do other than just put up with it

I'm not convinced this particular problem is not an ADD thing, but rather a culture clash of the sexes. I mean, if my hubby has ADD he sure hides it well, successful career and one of the most responsible people I know so that can't be it!

Perhaps you should adopt the why bother/don't care attitude I have? Just a thought...

index.html · 06-02-2006, 07:55 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jennita

Perhaps you should adopt the why bother/don't care attitude I have? ...

How sad for you, Jennita. Doesn't sound like a very satisfying relationship.

Turning the tables and ignoring your husband is one way to deal with it, haileysheets, but IMHO, it's not the best way. I think that you should see a marital counselor. Your husband tuning you out is probably for bigger reasons than simple ADD.

Truthfully now, when you get on these topics that take longer than a minute, do you tend to go on an on?

We used to have the same problem in my house but in reverse. It was my husband who would rattle on incessantly about his job. He'd get mad at me when I'd try to get him to cut it short. "I don't have to be concise in my own home! I have the right to talk", he yelled once.

It took years of quiet resentment on my part before I finally got to the point that I could say to him, "Yes, but I have the right to some peace and quiet in MY own home. We have to negotiate how we both get what we want".

These days, he's better about trying to give me smaller "sound bites". If I'm interested, I let him know and then we discuss it. Likewise, I try to open up more. I also model for him when I start going on about something: "tell me if you want me to stop" or "tell me if this isn't a good time". A conversation takes TWO willing participants.

Listening isn't a requirement in marriage. It's something you do to show the other person that you care.

addprogrammer · 06-02-2006, 11:19 AM

haileysheets,

I am the husband with ADHD but can take meds. However, I can't take them when my wife needs me the most - in the evening.

On the inside, I'm always (except when on meds) in turmoil. I can't sit still. Always got to be doing something - anything. There is this incessant directionless driving force that makes having a meaningful conversation difficult.

I am working on some relaxation techniques that seem to help - a combination of visualization and muscle relaxation. Its efficacy lasts beyond the session but too soon to tout it without reservation.

It is a fact that some people cannot tolerate ADHD meds. You can't change that. You may be able find some relief in another strategy.

Bob

Jennita · 06-02-2006, 12:48 PM

Actually index, it isn't sad, it's actually quite liberating.! I no longer worry about every little thing. For the first time in years, my hubby and I actually have more fun together too, we joke alot....no more sweating the small stuff.

What a relief. Those earlier years of turmoil evaporated.

I don't know, maybe this can only come from being married for 30 years perhaps, when you are just too tired out to care? I mean, eventually you turn off the broken record instead of letting it skip and skip, right?

Maybe I'm just getting old and bitter?

Yes, perhaps my advice wasn't appropriate for the younger marriages that just haven't gotten there yet, sorry about that I guess it's true that every marriage/situation is different, sorry I assumed to give advice that may not be suitable in this case.

Maybe marriage counseling could help this case better, I do agree with you index on that one.

In my own situation, counseling would just screw up what took 30 years to accomplish.