Join Date: Feb 2006
i feel so thick
im not diagnsioed with ADD or nuthing-but im going to the docs on monday. its just a coincidence that im going days after i got my a-level rsults-i was going on monday anyway, i decided a while back, but now i feel i have the courage cos i have no choice-the floor is faling beneath my feet-ive always kept happy cos ive had skool to preoccupy me, ive had sumthing to work on and try to keep focused on, i felt like i had a cause.
ive never bin naturally smart, my grades are very shaky. im a day dreamer, always was in skool, reports all said i lacked attention, had no focus and must pay attention. i didnt realise i was that big a daydreamer, i was always in another world but i cudnt help it. i feel behind alot, i cant remeber things, sums,sequences, it takes me ages to store information for tests and i will forget again inside 10mins. it reminds me of sticky tape just peeling off a wall-it just wont stick no matter what. and trying to sit down and do the stuff is just as bad, i sit for 10mins and then go off,or walk about, if i sit i daydream without realising. i zone out in class, i do dance and i always zone out when the instructor is talking, i dont pick up the rountines, the movemtns, things have to be repeated and i do them slowly a few times first-and still i can make misitakes, she asks specially for me in a kind of degrading way if i understand-does this mean she thinks there is sumthing actually wrong with me-im 18.
im a messy disorganied person-maybe its just my nature. but i really do try to keep on top of things, i just feel so impatient and a bit scattered al the time. i forget important things like medicine for other people that their life depends on!!! i misplace things that have just bin in my hand two seconds ago.
i feel so thick, i tried so hard to get into UNI. i missed the requirments by one grade and my placement is still being decided. i dont know how ill cope if i dont get in. see ive always struggled in skool, i mean i now get average sumtimes top grades(i used to be bottom of the class as a child and in extra learning classes and detention alot), i have to work twice as hard for half the result, no matter what i do it just wont work, sumtimes the work is like i never even opned the book-but i did!
and to make it better, my friends are all in their course. one of which goes to dance with me, she is smart and the teacher loves her. its because she is always getting rountines right,she is assertive, and comfortable socially(im not). the teacher is always making comments at me, laughing at how im not listeneing, rolling her eyes, joking about me doing my ABC;'s in skool-i can take a joke but its starting to get to me, i know she gets annoyed and impatient which brings back memeories of my teachers an parents screaming at me cos i cudnt understand or get it.my freind got top grades and into a top course. the teacher congratualated her on how well she was doing, everything we went to do in the class was apparently a reward for her acheivments, she kept drawing everything back to it-i was highly embarressed. me and my freind were the only two in the class doing the exams now and she never even mentioned me or asked how i did(i dont know if i want her too tho). i fel like im too thick to even be asked, like its not worthwhile cos obviously from my lack of memeory and dozyness and clumseyness i cudnt possibly be intellegant.she is aware i was doing exams
cos ive told her several times and she just nodded uninterestingly and asked about my freind-this teacher is sumone who has a high degree in sum other subject-she is intelligant. i dont think she believes in ADD or depression and stuff.
another frustrration is i can have mood swings alot, ive hid depression for 4 years now, hid self harm, eating disorders and sexual abuse that happned a long time ago. people think im rude, but i just dont look people in the eye wen i talk unless i know them really well-i dont purposly do it, i dont reralise. my tone is all off, people think im being rude, they dont get my sarcasm, i argue with the teacher in dance, like i correct her wen she tries to pick out my mistakes that arnt there-she laffs or rolls her eyes, like im just making excuses for my stupidity or like i refuse to be wrong. its getting me down. also, sumtimes i go there and have a had a particualrly depressing night before or day, and i may seem really slow and grumpy, im not annoyed at the person im just upset with things and trying not to show it. but from the outside i look like a thick person who likes to think she knows it all, cant socialise and is either grunmpy or bouncing about talking rubbish and far too fast. my moods change fast throughout the day all the time, then other times i go for days ina mood, then it changes. im easily asngered at home(i go nuts and send the hosue into chaos,im aklso very sensitve to critisism or nething)
please help, sorry this is long but i feel so crap. i was going to look into ADD cos i want to know once and for all, y is it that no matter how hard i try it doesnt work for me, ive always thought sumthng was a little off but i tell myself i can overcome it myself. i feel thick, clumsy and dozy. and im surrounded by intelligant people. and this dance teacher is making me feel rubbish-but im to shy to confront her. if i went to the doctors for my depression on monday-shud i bring this up, i know depression is linked with a short attention span-but this has bin me since i was little. what shud i do, sorry it was long. is it possible that this is just me-i am just thick,lazy,forgetful and annoying?xox