pucca_chick

okay, this might be long. heres my story. at school i was crap, quiet and timid. couldnt do the work,. couldnt follow or grasp anything. always in detention evety lunch hour cos i was behind and still didnt get it. all my reports said'daydreamer', that i needed to focus and concentrate and take my head out of the clouds. i ended up having a horrible time at school, teachers lost it entriley with me and threw my books across the room and ripped them up, my parents were constantly in and out, i was put it extra classess but still it didnt matter the amount of extra time i spent on it-i never picked it up, the harder i tried the more i couldnt take it in. i ended up being bullied, being labelled thick.

in the next school it was rough pepple but i enjoyed it, there was less pressure, and for once i wasnt in tears or anxious because i couldnt do it. i decided to work my hardest to do well. i made up special ways of learning with colours, i took everything slowly and tried to assosiate things that i was learning. it was one of the hardest struggles ive had to do but i did ok in my exams-some even say well, my parents refused to belive it was my results until the letter came in the post!

another thing i should mention, i was sexually abused age 6-11, but never understood it. i got panic attacks as a child also so ive always been anxious. then 14 came and i became seriosuly depressed for no reason whatsoever, everything was fine until it all turned hopeless. i hid it for two years, have done all different types of harming, i shoplifted for a breif period also. i always gave my parents a fight but as i got older it got harder. at 16 i seen a gp who did nothing. i scraped past my last exams before UNI, it was horrific, days of all nighters, cutting every few hours just to get me through, i scraped passess through exam repeats and staying hours after school with teachers.

then i got to UNI, that was a brick wall. i seen my GP and told her everything, she diagnosied with anxiety a depression. again i had the problem of focusing, i wasnt attending lectures due to moods, when i went in i didnt sit, i walked out early and got chased up by my advisor for it, when i went to classes i was out of it, i stopped being able to just speak it, i couldnt follow a word anyone said and i felt incapable, nothing went in at all.

so my doc has sent me for 3 psych assessments and i once again could not communicate correctly, they took away my daignosises. im incounselling now for 9 months, two at a time and its not working. ive been put on disability for depression adn anxiety, but theres a problem, for me to renew it i need notification again from my doc, she cant write a note for something they say i dont have anymore.

right now i am incapable of UNI that begins to two weeks, my last exams i passed by a few marks, granted extensions, and the courseork came back with comments like'lack of clarity of thought', i just waffle and ideas bounce back and forth, i make no sense and i lose what im saying half way in.

i work two jobs, both ive been in for over 6 months, ive done training but couldnt focus. im about to lose my job as i cannot work a till, cant remember vital training, i speak to customers and go blank, i stand in a daze as a que builds and truly am elsewhere in my head, i forget vital things or where stock is being held, its cuasing me to be so slow, ive lost all confidence, i dont speak to staff or customers, my manager watches me on the job now, says im always alone, why can i not remember it all and im ineffective so im my veiw my days are numberd. the other job my nickname is retarded cos i still cant work a till 9 months in.

everything takes ages to do,. theres to much to organise and its all just one massive haze, i get in trouble for leaving stuff at my *** that i really forgot about, i forget to mention vital things like the walls are leaking damp, i forget were i put important things, my room is a tip and you cant see my desk for paper, my bags overflowing with crap, im always on time but i get so anxious over it,i do a sport and im the thick one because i cannot follow sequences or anything.

my point is, the first CPN i saw said i need an eduicational psychologist for like ADD possiblilites. my doc shrugged it off and said she was being dismissive of my past-but this was here before the abuse. now im left with no depression or anxiety diagnosis depsite my life is falling apart, im so low, im unwashed and i see no point to anything anymore, i harm every day or every few days, if i do go out these days i get off my face on drink and do the odd bit of dope, i used to bounce between not eatiing and over exerrcise and vomiting the odd time to not giving a toos-whoch is where im at now. im in counseling and its becoming clear to her also that i have a real problem organising what i need to do and putting it into practice, every step is a struggle and im getting nowehere. i cant get my feelings out clearly on paper and its worse in person, i feel something i cant control is holding me back.

do you think its worth mentioning to my doc?? its just she is sick of the sight of me, im already arguing for my other diagnosis back because they arent listening and took me of meds cos they never worked 8 months ago but refuse anymore. how would you highlight the symptoms without actually straight out asking for a refferal. i also see my disability officer in a few weeks-but i cant mention this without the fact my depression and anxiety is not accounted for at all anymore-i cant be left with nothing i need the help.

btw-i cant change my doc for complicated reasons

sorry this was long-please help. xox

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